meet me in outerspace

It pisses me off how a stupid little thing like answering phones can get me so stressed out! I can feel the blood rushing past my ears and my body is filled with acid adrenaline. My hands are shaking (more than normal) and I'm jumping at the slightest noise (also more than normal). Seriously, I just had 5 people all call in at the exact time and I didn't get to write any names down or transfer anyone...I prolly hung up on someone. I could never be a receptionist. It sucks.

Ringing phones will haunt my nightmares for months now.

How do I do that? How can I go from being just fine and taking enjoyment out of reading short stories while at work to wanting to cry my eyes out? I was just reading an email from C and all the sudden ... depressed. (It's not you C don't worry.) The same sorta thing happened last night. E and I were talking and he said something. I pretended to get really sad and then I almost started crying for real. What is going on? There is no reason this should be happening.

Oh well. Last night I went over to a coworkers and she made me dinner. Plus some clothes. And we watched tv. What a treat. I never watch tv. I had fun. Then I met E and we drove around a bit and talked for a couple of hours. I had planned to be home at 10, but didn't leave until a quarter after 11. Had to drive home in the nasty snow. Sometimes I really hate Wisconsin.

Working today. Well, reading, but I will be working in just a little bit. Stupid tourists. I hate being so hypocritical. I dislike the tourist industry. There are so many fake and stupid businesses here just to entertain them. This area is supposed to be a beautiful place...but no. It's cheesy and cheap looking all while costing a fortune. Yet I work for an advertising agency. How does that work?

Ok I just found a shit-ton of movies I want to buy. I think the last number was $159.63. Hmm, sad.

Have I ever mentioned how much I just love incubus? What about System of a Down? Angie Aparo? Daniel Bedingfield? Cause I do.

So I know it's been awhile since I wrote anything that's going on in my life here. Sorry, I really am. But nothing is really happening. E gave me a really pretty necklace. A locket. It's kinda strange. I've never gotten jewerly from any boyfriends before. Now E and I have been technically together for a day and a half and I already have a 14k gold ring, locket and chain. Kinda strange. Not that I'm complaining, but it really does make me seem like a young brazen hussy going for an old man with a heart condition and a bank account. That's funny. I'm the next Anna.

Tonight my family might all get together and go out for dinner. It depends. E might go too. Scary.

Ya know, I'm gonna have to say one of my favorite books is the dictionary. You might not notice after reading this cause I prolly spell like crap on here. But I couldn't care less. But still...

I'm a strange duck.

I'm soooo angry!! You can't get anything online unless you have a credit card and I don't have one!!! I've heard so many stories about people getting screwed over, but I think I could handle it. I just need to get one. And don't have time! Rah!!! Not to mention, I don't know what I'm doing! So here I am sitting with Central Station, The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles in my cart and not checking out! It's frusterating. Even more so is that I can't find Raise the Red Lanterns new DVD anywhere for under $30. That sucks.

What is up with everyone using the word analogy all the sudden? It's everywhere I look! Damn!kjdfldj

Sorry, still frusterated.

Holy Quizes, get ready for a ton of quizes... all from Quizilla. But not too many pics. So then it's not so bad right? Eh?

My animal personality is a horse. Caring, free spirited and full of compassion. I am well loved and for all the right reasons. I enjoy the company of others and try to keep them happy, making me a first class friend. I want a warm place to call home, but always feel the urge to escape.

That's me to the T.

My aura color is Yellow - Yellows are the most fun-loving, free-spirited, energetic, and childlike personalities in the aura spectrum. Yellows are wonderful, sensitive, optimistic beings, whose life purpose is to bring joy to people, to have fun, and to help heal the planet.

My fruit is a pineapple - You are a Pineapple...the traditional symbol of friendship, you embrace everyone as a friend...you are loyal, kind and always there for a friend in need...

My element is water - You are Water...you are emotional and sensitive. You are good at feeling and being in your emotions, but sometimes have difficulty expressing your feelings in words.

Dur. Doesn't everyone...no? Oh, ok then.

My 90' Nickelodeon TV Show is Hey Dude! Start your horse and come along, you're one happenin' dude. Don't get lost out on the range.

I loved this show. Melody is the reason I wanted to be a lifeguard. Wow, I completely forgot about the Legend of the Hidden Temple. I didn't like that show at first cause it was all the same...but then I started watching if it was on. Eureka's Castle, Salute Your Shorts, Are You Afraid of the Dark. They were all soo cool. I think they should put all these things on DVD's. I'd buy them. Well, maybe not Eureka's Castle or Legend of the Hidden Temple. But if Hey Dude! Salute Your Shorts or Are You Afraid of the Dark were, I'd get them. Along with the Alex Mack, AHHH! Real Monsters and David the Gnome. I'm sure there are more, but the list just would go on.

My inner spud is hash browns - You're a Hash Brown! So you might be square and flat... I'm sure there's a geek potato out there for you somewhere!

I am the perfect girlfriend according to this - Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're the kind of chick that can hang out with your boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't care about presents or about going to fancy placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy being around your boyfriend.

Which dsyfunctional Care bear am I? Why I'm Stoner Bear! - You like weed!! Yeah!! And um, weed! Oh and Phish, and prolly the Grateful Dead too. You forget... You smoke a lot of weed man. Ok, more than a lot. And that isn't really a bad thing. You're friendly and laid back and people like you. You can also be pretty intellectual if given the right opportunity. But still man...lay off the weed. The picture is really cute.

My Soul came from...the OCEAN! You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal blue water, near the sea is where you belong.

Ok. Ok. I just need to acknowledge that everything is ok. Ok? ok.

So. Where were we? Nowhere? Alrighty then. Let's make something up. I used to think complications made things interesting, but no...they just make things suck. Now that E and I are actually together. By label (which I HATE by the way) things are complex. Not that they weren't before, I just didn't have to deal with them as much. Now I do. Damn. It was so much easier for me before. We fought again last night. It's getting to be this tradition or something. We can't talk unless we say something about him sleeping with H and me kissing JQ. Which I think has nothing to do with it. I kissed JQ before E came back from the hospital and I ever knew that he was interested. I did nothing with anyone else once I knew we might have something. He fucked his exgirlfriend after we were talking about a relationship together. And he was lecturing me on the morals of kissing JQ while he was married. Ok, I was drunk and he kissed me.

Ok I don't need to go over this again. But I'm just really upset because people warned me to watch out and be careful and I defended him and us. Then I get hurt. Not fair. So what do I do? Jump right back in.

Oh I had a dream where I was at this waterpark I used to work at and I was swimming with a friend. I was in my normal swimsuit and I saw some old co-workers walk by who don't work there anymore either. So I jumped up and ran after them. I came up behind them and put my arms around both of them. Then I gave the really hot guy a hug. I remember feeling kinda strange cause I didn't know if we were good enough friends to hug, but I did it anyway. And then another guy who used to work there and was friends with the guy I was hugging walked by and slapped my ass really hard. The other girl I knew just kinda kept walking. Ok then. I was just happy to be dreaming about the really hot guy. I haven't seen him in forever and I really want to go party with him sometime.

When I get married, I want to elope. It's been decided. For me anyway. I hope whoever he is, he doesn't mind.

I hardly work while I'm at work, yet what do I do? Work while I'm at home! [you kwazy too!] My boss had me burn a cd for him and he was going to pay me for it. I dunno if he still is, but now I'm at work doing the covers for it and getting paid by the company. If he pays me extra, that's money honey.

I want to leave! I want to go on a trip. I love driving. Well, I love navigating. I like traveling. I like being places I've never been. I'm starting to learn my way around town C. I can't wait to go and test that knowledge. Plus the trip there is always great. (interstate tag, special gas stations we always stop at, the best coffee set up C has ever seen...) Unless I get pulled over and have to pay an expensive ticket. That always sucks. Stupid female cop, if it was a guy, I might have had a chance, but nooooo. I had to get the only female cop in whatever county I was in. Anyway, in conclusion, I want to go on a road trip.

And I want people to stop giving me crap because I don't have a very good memory. It's not my fault. I just can't remember stuff. My mom is the same way and she got it from her dad. So it runs in the family mo-fo. Just cause I helped out a bit and made it worse...I just get tired of people telling me I'm weak and cave when under peer pressure. It's not peer pressure. It's my fuckin decision. And it's not to excape. It's to increase the level of enjoyment. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I'm a bad person. But I'm a bad person trying to change. I did stop drinking. At least for the moment. So fuck off. One step at a time damn it!

*deep breath.... ok

I'm sorry my little blog baby. I've been avoiding you. Why? Well, there are things that have happened and I just can't explain it all. I don't know what has happened and what my reaction is or why. Let's see.

Thursday - Kenny Chesney. Yummy. But no cowboy butt. I don't understand. My sister and I had a grand ol' time.

Friday - I stayed home from work and woke up at 10:30 to go to Madison shopping instead. Got a new hat (I LOVE HATS), two new shirts and a cell phone cover. Oh yeah, I also got the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack and the movie Good Burger. I know, I'm strange. I went to Kitchen with my mother and we got hot coca and talked a bit. She was telling me about financial problems her and my dad are having and I just want to help. But they don't like that at all. So that made me a little sad. Then C-more walked in and sat with us for a bit. My mother left. C-more proceeds to tell me all sorts of things about E. She's very upset with him because he owes her girlfriend $300 for a hotel room they all got on New Year's Eve. So she decided that I needed to know some of these things. Like, the house he has is in H's name, he doesn't really have a car parked in his town and, oh yeah, he's been sleeping with H. His ex-girl now "just friends". Uh huh. So I had a pretty bad night. Luckily I had friends by me and they were great at cheering me up without knowing exactly what was wrong. He called tho and asked if I was going to meet him that night and I said prolly not. He immediately picked up that something wasn't right. I couldn't talk about it right then tho so he just said he would let me call him. C-more, S, JQ and I all went to JQ's house for hot chocolate. E called again and asked what was wrong cause it was driving him crazy not knowing. So I asked if he had ever lied to me. He said no so I asked if he had been sleeping with H and he asked since when? So it's true. But he doesn't see exactly what he did wrong. Since I didn't verbalize our relationship he figures that it shouldn't affect me at all. But dur, it does. He admits it wasn't a good idea for H's sake which it seriously isn't cause she has enough issues already. We talked for an hour or so and both of us were crying when we hung up. My friends cuddled with me and tried to make me feel better.

S and I decided to go on a road trip to Town C. Just to get outta here. So at 7:30 in the morning after not sleeping at all, we went home and got ready. We both had to do a bit of laundry so we said 9:30 call. E called at a quarter to nine and said meet me at Kitchen in town and we'll talk. So we did. Some things got talked about...not everything. But we have this thing where we fight and then talk and then fight again. H came in and sat with us for a bit. Then S showed up. We left town at 2. Got there alive at 6:15 or so. Called people. Hung out. Not terrible much drama. I didn't get to talk with people like I was hoping, but we did get to see each other. So that was cool. On the drive home I got pulled over and got a $163 ticket and 4 points off my license for going 80 on the interstate. woo hoo. FUCK! Just what I need after only sleeping 4 hours in three days. Fun fun.

So we make it home alive (truly an accomplishment) and E somehow knows and calls me. We talk for awhile. Fighting and talking, then fighting and talking. We make plans to meet and talk. We fight and talk more. C shows up and plays referee for a bit (sorry). We all talk and have fun. At least I think so. Then E and I go on a drive and listen to music. Go back to the hotel he's staying at. Hang out for 10 mins and then H gets there. I wasn't feeling very welcome so I said I had to go. E asked for a ride to Kitchen. They were still closed so I took him back to the hotel. We sat in the parking lot and talked until 12. I went home and went to sleep. He called this morning to wake me up cause he knows that I would have slept in. That jerk. So I was awake on time today.

It's really fuckin cold out. How cold you ask? Cold enough to make me say the ph word. That's pretty cold. Damn Wisconsin Weather.

I've been trying to be artsy lately. Not that it really works. It's just now I'm not afraid to make stick figures and draw on the computer. But it's so easy I don't think it counts as art. More like bored-and-messing-around-on-the-computer-making-stick-figures-pictures-to-some-strange-quotes-and-sayings.

ohohohohohohoh I almost lost the above. Not like it would be that big of a deal, but it would be enough to piss me off.

Breaktime!

Copy and Paste much Cody?

Well well well. Nothing to say really. I got to play such the handyman last night. I put on coveralls and carried in drywall. Then I got to cut it and put it up. I got to tape the gaps and it was much much fun. Then C came over and we watched South Park. Can I just tell you how much I adore Matt Stone and Trey Parker? Well, I adore then a lot.

I'm having troubles writing here. Dunno why. Censored for no reason?

Road Trip this weekend. I was supposed to go to Town C but...I dunno. I really want to hang out with E. Plus, I don't want to have to drive and have to pay for everything. So when S called me up to see if I wanted to mini road trip, I said prolly. So from Saturday morning at 1am until Sunday around 4 we're going to be driving. We've decided to throw a dart at a map and see where it takes us. It has the potential to be really boring, but oh well. We can try to make it fun.

I have declared today to be a quiz day. Quiz day Thursday. Cause I don't have to work tomorrow, I don't have to work tomorrow! Kenny Chesney tonight and nothing (!) tomorrow. ROCK!

Green You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature. Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

According to this quiz I'm chocolate kisses and apple pie.

And I have the personality of a cardboard box.

Hmmm. so much hasn't happened. Just stuff. Hanging out with C. Watching Baseketball. I love Matt Stone. I love Trey Parker. I want to marry both of them. They are so in the house it isn't even funny. Only it is.

I try to warn people what a bad girlfriend I am, but they just brush it off. They'll learn.

Come on C. Ed Zachary. What?

There are times when I love food. This is not one of those times. Right now is a feeling that I have every now and again that lasts maybe a week. I hate eating. The whole process just disgusts me. If you really think about it. Eating is so gross. I hate having to chew and mash things up. And my stomach feels horribly inflated and I feel like a small snake that just swallowed a large rat whole and everyone can see the huge bulge. It's nasty. I feel fat and gross. I'd stop eating all together, but that just wouldn't be healthy now would it? I hate knowing that, because it doesn't stop me from wanting to.

Stick with me in that this has nothing to do with anything.

E gave me a ring. A wedding ring. No we aren't getting married. It's just a ring he found and he thought I would like it. I do (no pun intended, although that was pretty funny). But I keep thinking about who it used to belong too. He found it in the restroom of a restaurant he used to own. I worried at first that the man or woman would be upset. That he/she felt horrible once they realized that the symbol of their love was lost. Simply by removing it to wash their hands. Gone forever. I wonder if they took out an ad in the newspaper, asking, begging someone to tell them some information. Eventually, they would move on and maybe buy a replacement. Hopefully their love would understand and forgive them for being so careless with their 14K love.

But then what if it was left on purpose? What if a distraught husband or wife left the ring after following their spouse to the restaurant only to find that he/she was meeting someone else. Instead of making a huge scene the person escaped into the bathroom and having to face the truth left the ring for someone else to find and hopefully get more joy out of it then they did.

I hope I'm wrong either way. I don't like to think someone in love could just forget. Humans make mistakes tho. I don't like to think that everything ends in misery. But there has to be some reason.

WHY? Why why why why why? Why when I finally have the opportunity to be happy, people don't like it? Everyone has something to say about the situation. And almost all of it is bad. People telling me not to trust other people, and those people telling me not to listen to them. Who am I supposed to believe? Can I honestly trust my feelings or are they lying too? Am I letting myself be used and no seeing it or is it real? I have no idea what is going on and it sucks. Why are people so upset about this? Why is there so much drama? It seems so simple, but people care like you wouldn't believe. It's none of their business. Really people...get a life. Stop trying to help me live mine.

*Deep breath...exhale*

Ok, I'm done. I'm just sick of people's opinions and manipulations. E's exgirl is beating herself up (literally) and doing anything to get him back. My parents aren't exactly happy and some of my friends tell me I'm insane--

I'm stopping. I don't want to hash this all to death and bore you in the process.

So anyway. Hmm. What is new? Oh, I got to see my very gay friend JR. I used to work with JR at Hardee's and we had a ton of fun. The stories he would tell...I've learned more about gay sex than I will ever wanted to know. I have a lot of fun with him cause I can talk so very dirty that I don't normally do. And I don't blush! It's great.

Ok, it's lunch. I'll post afterwards.

Weekend, weekend, weekend...oh how I adore weekends.

Friday - (Man, do I have a poor memory) Let's see. I met a friend at KFC at 5:20 to eat. Then we met C at the high school at 6:15. Watched wrestling. A first for me. That was fun-ish. Went home, hung out. Met my sister at Culver's at 10:30 or so. Another of my friends were meeting us there to give her something. My sis, W and I talked for a bit, I got invited over Monday (today). Then I went and met C at Kitchen. It wasn't that great. I didn't want to talk to anyone really, I just wanted to listen. But everyone was complaining and being really annoying so I was a little bitchy. JQ came in and I was already ticked and he just made it worse. He can be such an ass. E came in and said he was going to Denny's. I said I'd be there in a bit. JQ snorted. So finally I got pissed off enough and just said fuck it and left. When we did, JQ announced that we were going to Denny's to everyone. I told him to fuck off and walked out. C and I went on a drive to bitch and complain to each other. We went to Denny's in a much better mood. E wasn't there so C and I had french fries (with mustard and ketchup for me, mayo and mustard for her), hot chocolate and water. We talked...no drunk guys this time. C-more showed up looking for E so she sat and talked with us a bit. While threatening me so I would go to Kitchen more, she accidently broke the chain on my locket. C left and C-more tried to fix it. I was ready to leave, so we went out into the parking lot and right before I drove away, she knocked on my window and said that E had just arrived. So we ran into talk. H (his ex who wants him back) didn't look happy about seeing us, or at least me, but oh well. I told E that I was leaving and just came in to say hi, sorry you're so late. He walked me out and we made plans for the next night (Saturday). I went home and slept.

Saturday - S called at 3:30 in the morning, I talked to her a bit. I felt like I was wide awake at the time, but I didn't remember that she had called until she reminded me when I saw her. E called at 8:30 and at 10 or so, trying to get me to go see him. My oldest sister showed up at 10:15. We all talked and ate breakfast. I called C and S, told them to get to my house at 11:15. My sis asked if I might want to go see Kenny Chesney on Thursday and I would love her to death if I get to go. She said maybe and would let me know. C and S got to my house, we drove to Sun Prairie and had a blast playing interstate tag and waving at random people. That was nice. We went to the mall in Madison and shopped a bit...ate...shopped some more. C and I got really tired and was ready to sleep, so we left. I took a shower and hung out. C picked me up at 7 or so and we went to her place of work's X-mas party. That was a lot of fun. It was boring at first, but then the DJ started playing music and we danced. It was a pretty big dance floor and not a lot of people were dancing, so I felt a little dumb. Really tho, it was a ton of fun once I stopped caring. I sorta got invited to a couple of school dances. That was cool. All because I can dance. We left around 11:15 or so. C's brother won a 19" tv/dvd/vcr thing and had to put it in the trunk. While he was doing that, he found a bottle that we (mostly I) had left there a couple of months ago. C acted super shocked (an excellent actress) and blamed it on friends from out of town. I felt really bad. The bro agreed not to tell the mom. She dropped me off and I went to the motel that E was staying at. H answered the door and E was sleeping. He woke up and we all talked and watched tv. I got a headache (early hangover from a Coke and Malibu) so while E went to Kitchen to bum smokes I stayed in the room and half watched tv/half slept. Taildaters is an interesting show on mtv. E came back and we snuggled a bit. S called and said she would be at Kitchen in a bit so we should meet her there. An hour later we finally walked over. Hung out. JQ was there too. His wife left him Saturday morning, so he was in a super bad mood. The tension at the table sometimes... I wasn't so happy anymore. But it got better. E flirted like no one would believe with S and this other guy, B gave me a back/neck/hand massage. Eventually we left. I don't know what time. It had no meaning by that point. B got my phone number (as friends). E and I walked back to the motel. He was going to take a shower and I was going to go to bed, but we ended up kissing instead. I don't know if I've ever had so much fun just kissing before. Finally after an hour +, I said we should quit before things got too serious and since we're "just friends" we didn't need that. I was so tired! But I couldn't quiet sleep. I curled up and drifted.

Sunday - I woke up at 10 or so. Tried to look decent at 10:30 and didn't leave until 11. Went home...hung out...took a bath...slept until 4 when E called. Got ready, called a friend I was meeting at 5:30 and made sure. Drove to the waterpark we were meeting at. I look hot in my swimsuit, let me tell you. Or at least I thought so. We swam, checked out lifeguards and did whatever. I could swear I saw someone I knew, but didn't get a chance to find out until an hour or so later. I was right and he remembered me! So I said wassup and whatnot. I went home super tired. Ate a half a bowl of soup, took a shower, ate another half a bowl. I debated on going to try and find E. I really wanted to see him, but I was sore, tired and cold so my bed just sucked me in. At 9:30. Wow. I woke up once during the night...dunno why. Went back to sleep. Woke up this morning. It is now 9:21 and I'm bored.

Last night I went home. Read and played X-box. Took a shower and a nap. Woke up at 9:30, talked on the phone until 11:30. Laid in bed thinking. Slept.

Now I have a giant chocolate chip cookie. Really, it's huge! And delicious. Thank you boss man.

Well, my expertise was needed at work today. I had to create a cd cover for a burned cd to send to my boss' friend in Ireland. I had to burn a cd. Not work related at all. But it was fun I got to use the new computer. Our receptionist got a new computer...I'm really jealous and I'm not the only one. It's a super nice gateway. Better than almost everything else we have here. But it doesn't have a zip drive so ha ha!

Almost time for lunch. What should I do? I have money and no appetite.

My boss was telling me about how flights to London right now are only about $150. I want to go soooo very badly! Boss told me that his friends who I've met a couple of times would pick me up and let me stay at their place in Ireland. Then he told me some stories and told me I should go sometime. Well, dur! It's one of my to-do things before I die or am too old to enjoy it.

If I could be any more bored...I think I'd die. I don't want to die. Someone think of something to entertain me. I just don't understand. There has got to be a way to look and feel busy when you really aren't. What a waste of time! I feel like it's a waste of my life, but there isn't anyway I could quit. I feel like I would end up on the street and just drifting. Think about the stories you hear of people who just walk away and live their life however it comes to them. It doesn't seem like a bad idea now. What would it be like if I just walked away...hitchhiked south where it's warmer and bummed around. I'm sure it would be terrible bad...sure I might go hungry a bit and I would have no where to sleep but the street...but I could see things that I want to see. I could take the time to appreciate a beautiful day instead of spending it locked up in an office with a window to the hall.

One of the most beautiful things is in my mind now....laying in a field on a warm summer day, gentle breexe with the smell of grass and flowers. No bugs, no people, no roads...just me and a field of grass.

Back to work now.

Hello and good morning.

C and I went on a drive last night. We listened to Andrew Dice Clay, laughed and tried to get lost. Didn't work. I think I need to find somewhere new to get lost. I shouldn't have brought my phone, but I did. E called and we talked a bit...the my sis called and I had to talk to her a bit...back to E. He was complaining cause I haven't made time for him lately only half serious. It's his fault too and I can't help it I have to get tons of sleep in order to wake up. 6 alarms! 6! And I still don't get up. That's not a good thing.

Anyway, I feel kinda bad. The time I've been spending with C isn't quality time lately. It's lets do something while people call and Kelly talks to them and feels really bad for doing so. We're going to go on a road trip tho, she doesn't know it yet but I'm sure she'll have no problem, and we're just going to drive. No phones, no distractions...a tape recorder and the notebook. It'll be like the old times. I can't wait...do I have to? Well, for a bit longer. Next weekend another friend, C and I might be going to town C. I should call OH and ask him what he's going to be doing. I just feel like I don't have any time. And the time I do have, I just want to read or talk with my parents. Read more often then not lately. I have been feeling really anti-social lately tho.

Memory trip back to high school. Angie the attendance secretary. And being in trouble for having 26 whole or partial absences first semester sophomore year and having to have a doctor's note for the rest of the year. That was the only time the vice principal ever talked to me. I've never really spoken to any of the principals. I don't even remember who it was. And the guidence councler's were morons. Even the one who was my softball coach for a year. She was just silly.

Softball. Good times. First base. I don't really know how I managed to find my niche there. I was an outfielder during fifth and sixth grade. Then when they needed me I played first. That was exciting. I can catch pretty much anything so it worked nicely. Then I stopped playing. My best friends didn't sign up and I was too chicken to go alone. I moved back to Wisconsin and my sophomore year I was bound and determined to play. So I did. I played on the JV reserve playing first. Then I pitched. Best feeling in the world sometimes...also the worst. Junior year I was on JV playing first most of the time and outfield a bit. I didn't get as much playing time as I should have cause Coach (the dipshit guidence counsler) was trying to get a girl to develop more skills since she would be on JV again next year. It was horrible for me cause I knew I was better (after teammates, teammates' parents and others told me so), but she got more playing time because the Coach wanted her to be good next year. Then she didn't play the next year. HAHAHA. Fuck you Coach. Senior year and on Varsity. Outfield and First base. The end.

I never really made friend on any of the teams I played on. I think it has a lot to do with my sense of humor. It's really dry and sarcastic and people prolly just thought I was a bitch. On every time, there is always a girl that really hates me. I dunno why. Except my sophomore year, but that's prolly cause I pitched and you do not want to piss off the pitcher. That can fuck everything up.

Ok, enough boring memory trips. It's starting to depress me.

I had such a great dream! I was in a room. Like a hotel room type thing. I think there was a rocking chair and a bed. I was sitting with a group of people and we were all talking and such. I think they were mostly guys except P. I remember F-meow and I were dancing in the middle of the group, grinding. We all fell. F-meow thanked me for dancing and gave me a little kiss. I went and sat next to this really hot guy and somehow he got me to sit on his lap. He was hot! Dark hair and beautiful eyes. We were talking and he gave me a big kiss on the mouth. P made some remark about how I am a natural flirt, but she had no room to talk cause she was on some guy's lap too (maybe KJ). Then in walked my supervisor from the waterpark I used to work at. He's very good looking as well. He gave me a big hug and we got knock over and he fell on me, but he kept hugging me. We got up and I went to talk to him in the office. But the office was like the office at Hardee's. He changed his shirt and I noticed his hair was different so I asked him about it. It was short with dark and light mini-dreads. I remarked that it kinda looked like Anthony Kiedis' (which it didn't at all) and before my eyes it grew all long the way Anthony's hair used to be. It was really cool. So I went back out and talked to the group again. I think that's where I woke up. Not certain, but it was a nice dream. Surrounded by lovely, funny men...sigh...it sucks waking up.

Nothing interesting again. Stopped off at a book store before I went home and picked up a new book. Dur, what else would I get at a book store? (Well beanie babie, cigars, lighters, magazines...) It's called Speak and was in the classics section but I don't think it belonged there. It's told from a 9th graders perspective and she's really depressed. It's neato so far.

It's cold. Cold like freezing. I dislike winter.

I just put lotion on and my hand are really soft. But it's chilly in here so they're really cold. The nails are starting to have a purple tinge and stay white for a long time if you press on them. My skin is getting that mottled look. I think I need some gloves.

Gloves are classy. I don't mean winter mittens. I mean silk, satin, lace, polyester? Just kidding. I think wrist gloves and short sleeves look silly tho. And I don't like gloves that come up to your bicep either. Either gloves that go to your forearm or just above your elbow are the coolest. (Oh that's just the girchiest pair of gloves I've ever seen!) But boots are a different thing. I hate tall boots. At least on me. Any kind. But I really dislike the thigh-high boots on anyone. They just look silly.

I don't like my hands. They're funny looking. Funny shaped. I have monkey hands. They're really scarred. Well, not really. On my left hand there are a ton of little marks from playing Bloody Mary with Sabrina in fifth grade. Plus on my middle finger there is a half inch long scar I've had for a long time. It looks like it hurt when I got it, but I guess I don't remember. In the palm of my left hand should be a hell of a scar, but there isn't. One night while on the phone, I was trying to open string cheese and the steak knife I was using went straight into my hand. I don't remember pain, just shock and feeling like I was going to faint. On my right hand is a healing mark. There isn't a scab anymore, but there was one recently. I don't really remember where that is from either, but I'm pretty sure I scratched myself when in a drunken state.

Ta-day, ta-day, ta day, ta day...

Boring. Last night, E called and invited me to some chick's house. We were going to play board games and have a ton of fun...I said maybe cause I would have to ask C since she was coming over. She actually got there before I got off the phone, but I lie for people. Shame on me. Anyway, we decided not to go and instead watched a movie...what movie...damn memory...oh Fight Club. She had never seen it and I just like seeing Ed and Brad. So we watched that and channel surfed after. I took a quick shower and then we put in O Brother, Where Art Thou? We didn't watch all of it tho. E called and I had to tell him that I had to work and couldn't go over. C left. I went to bed. C-more called at 1 or so, woke me up and asked if I had seen E. I said no and she told me to call her sometime. Yeah, sure, whatever, I'm going back to bed. Woke up this morning, went to work and here I am.

Wowo.

My muscle is being spaztastic. By my ribs. I've never felt that muscle freak out before. Ya know how your eye will twitch every couple of mins for a couple of hours? Well, this is just like that only it's FREAKING OUT! Holy...ribs. That was weird.

Mmmm, I think I'm gonna go get some cheese and crackers. Yummy. True Wisconsin breakfast. Cheese, Ritz and Summer Sausage.

My office and how I decorate it...

It seems to have decent decor to the untrained eye. Delve deeper and you will see how truly boring it is. It is grey. They entire room gives off a murky, mental institution vibe. White walls, grey carpet, grey desk top, grey cabinets and drawers and even grey-blue curtains that cover a window looking out into the hallway and the office across it. The only things not grey that came with the office is my trash can (pink) and my name plate (brown with white lettering that spells my name out in plain text). There is a "clutter-bare" look; things are swept together in the corner to leave empty work space.

There are only three things of worth noting on my desk: my candles, my magic 8-ball and kleenx box. I am known around the office as "the one that makes it smell good". Some day we'll have a ceremony and my boss will bless me with a proper name. My magic 8-ball is here cause I was bored and thought it might make me look interesting. Like some unsuspecting gorgeous looking man will walk by and say "hey, this [picks up my brown and white name plate] Kelly Lastname looks interesting, she has a magic 8-ball." My kleenx box has got to be one of my strangest posessions. Just a kleenx box with a 60's psychodelic pattern on it involving daisys. Not a big deal...only it's empty. And has been empty since I used the last kleenx to wipe my nose around Halloween. Just there so I always have flowers.

On the grey cabinets and drawers I have black and white comics pasted on highlighter-colored "frames". They have been here since the first month I was here. I like to pretend the comics say something of my sense of humor and their frames tell about my creativity. But they're starting to curl and just look old.

Hanging on the window curtain is a paper chain with a huge peace sign drawn on yellow paper. A "bling-bling" gift from my boss when he heard I listened to rap music occasionally.

Behind deskspace across from the window is a corkboard covered in light and dark grey patterned material. On it I have a brochure I am in charge of pinned up, covered in orange stickers telling me the status of each add. Next to that are a few more comics, these in color and a lot more funny. Under those is the main show, pics of P, C and me looking happy despite being surrounded by such gloom.

My life has disapeared.....Again.

I used to go out every night and day. Have friends calling me and wanting to hang out with me all the time. It got so I had to turn people down cause I was busy. Now no one is calling. Well, that's a lie. Just not as many people are calling. So it seems like it is time, once again, to call people up and make sure the bridges are not burnt. This seems to happen every now and again. So I have to run in and fix it all up.

Friday - Hmmm, C came over. We watched Big Trouble and the game show network. She left at 1 and I read until 2, then went to sleep.

Saturday - Slept in until 2. Called SM and asked why she didn't call and wake me up at 8:30 like she was supposed to cause we were gonna go to Madison. She said they decided not to. So I went out on the couch and read until 4. E called and asked if I would meet him at Damon's at 6, in town A. Took a shower. Mom and I went to Damon's at 5:45 and got drinks. Watched football and waited until I received a call at 7. E saying he was going to be a half hour or so. I called SM to see if she wanted to join us, but she was in Madison (!?). Watched more football, checked out the dj guy and waited. At 8, I wanted to leave. SM called and appologized and asked if I wanted to go to a dance thingy. 8:30 we managed to get ahold of the waitress and got everything all taken care of by 8:50. E called from town B while I was sitting out in the parking lot talking with my mom. I followed her back and picked E up, just a little pissed off. But because of circumstances out of his control...I couldn't totally blame him. However, saying he was going to be a half hour late instead of saying lets meet some other time...that was just stupid. Oh well. We went to Kitchen in town B. Talked a bit. His exgirl/just friend (H) showed up and we all sat and talked a bit. I kept seeing people I knew, but couldn't remember where I knew them from. Luckily, they remembered me. And talked about me too I guess. Oh well. E and H had to go to Walmart to talk to someone there about a dog. I didn't feel like going, so I went over to my sisters'. Darn people tempt and I have no willpower. So when E called me and told me they were back in Kitchen, I was ok with everything. I went back and listened to people. The two guys I saw and remembered talked to me. Apparently I knew them both thru Toast, so that would be why I don't remember them that well. Anyway, that's how most of the night went. I listened and made a few comments and everyone else talked. JQ came in and there were people there who weren't happy with him, so he was quiet and read. I didn't get over to talk to him, cause I was not with it. E was being all flirty and I just wasn't feelin' it. I left around 4:45 and went to sleep right away.

Sunday - woke up at 2...again. Went out on the couch and read...again. At 6 I took a bubble bath and read. Got out, ate dinner and read. Then my dad made me play X-box. Time Splinter 2 or something. The story line is so cheesy, but it's a decent game. Hard. I was starting to feel a little strained from reading so much and then kinda sick from the game graphics, so after completing the 4th level, I quit. Read until 11, E called and said good night and then went to sleep.

Exciting times. No not really. This was one of the most unexciting weekends I've had in a really long time. Not saying that's bad or anything...but still. I miss my friends. All my friends. Even the ones I see. But I still just want to disapear for a little while. I wonder if I could. Prolly. Should I? Prolly. Will I? Prolly not...but I will think about it, does that count?

It is colder than a frickin moose in here.

Three days in a row now that I've had to do actual work. It's kinda nice. Enough work to say that I have something to do, but not enough that I can't still cruise the net. Neato, huh? Yeah it is.

I was such a bitch last night! Really. When I got home, my mom and I talked and laughed and had a blast. It was great. But my sister called and wanted me to come over and bring some movies. She was so mad that it took me so long to stop talking to my mom. That annoyed me bunches. Oh well. So I went over there crabby. I made her promise before I left home that we would order pizza. So I drove over there, her and her future mother-in-law were playing Mario. I read and waited. We got so far as to calling Pizza Hut when her fiance called. She told him all what was up and he said that we couldn't order pizza. Apparently, he thinks they had spent too much that day already and couldn't afford another $7. Oh my gosh, $7. Such a fuckin fortune. So then I was even more pissed off cause I was hungry as hell and wanted pizza damn it! So I said I was gonna go, they were sick anyway and I might as well just shower and go to sleep. Who cares if it's only 6. Instead, my sis made me stay and eat Spaghetti-O's. I finished Chamber of Secrets and watched the end of Sliding Doors and left. Went home, took a shower, read some more and went to sleep.

Oh well. I've run out of interesting things to say...wait a tick...they haven't been interesting for a long time. Oh well.

Hmmm, work. Pssshhhh. Who needs it? Not I, I am busy like a beaver. Are beavers really that busy? Ok, busy like a bee. They sure look busy a lot of the time. But then again I've heard of lazy bumble bees. So bees are busy, but bumble bees are lazy. Bumblebees are giving the bees a bad name. I'm allergic to bumblebees. Luckily I've only been stung once. Way back in third grade. Outta nowhere, really I was just standing there, I felt something, look down and there is this huge bug on my leg. I hate them now. Can ya blame me? Didn't think so. In Colorado we had these HUGE black wasps. Seriously, this one had a tail that was a foot long. They were so scary. I remember they would land on our fence and stay there for a long time and I was too scared to try and open the gate. We also had scorpions. I was at a friends once when I went back to visit and he saved me from one crawling around behind me. Scary stuff. That just made me think of one of my friends and our adventures (she had a scorpion in her bathtub once). We would ride her horses around her yard and once a horse took off running and the girl riding her fell off. She was a foot away from landing in the catcus. Not fun. My friend and I had some good times tho. We would jump on her trampoline all day and when we got off we had a hard time walking. Then in the summer we swam in her pool made outta a horse trough. All sorts of crazy stuff. Funn stuff. Dyeing our hair (although I did it more than she did), hanging out on the strip, being some of the only freshmen to hang out with the juniors. We had such fun, but she wasn't a great friend. The two of us always managed to find a third and that third would come between us. You know middle school friendship. Visicious. And I'll admit I was a little snot. As I think of it, she was usually the one to introduce the third friend. I wonder why. Maybe she was jealous of one of my other friends. This other friend and I would bike ride all over and read. That's what we did was read. Watch tv. Play on the computer. She wrote songs and poetry and I would just be in awe. I can't write now and I couldn't write back then. But I still appreciated it. She also was in choir and was the first to tell me if I sung off key. These two people tho. My two best friends from 5th grade until 9th grade.

Wow, it's kinda strange what comes outta my mind when I stop trying to think and just wonder.

I got Toast's address, but I don't know if I'll write him. What am I supposed to say? Sorry you're in jail, I don't hang out with that crowd anymore, see ya when you get out? I think not. I don't know how I can tell him as a friend that I'm here for him without sounding sappy. I hate sounding sappy. And bossy, I hate that too. Ugh. Anyway...I supposed a postcard or something would be nice. That's me, the nice girl.

Last night someone said I looked like a slut. Granted, she was a bit bias due to the fact that it was E's ex girl, but still. I was just talking about how I always hear about how innocent I look. I swear, after she left, I had frost bite. She did not like me. And because I knew that, I couldn't think of anything I wanted to say to her to change her mind. Honestly, I don't care if she doesn't like me. As long as E doesn't make me be around her any more than possible. He can go see/hang out with her, I don't care. But I don't want to deal with it. She seems to think that the only appeal I hold for E, is that I'm "skinnier and better looking" than her. She won't talk to me to see my personality at all. I do feel really sorry for her and wish I could do something to make her more happy. But the only thing I could do is vanish off the face of the earth and I'm kinda fond of this place. The strange thing is, under different circumstances, I think we could be friends.

I was afraid I was going to get kicked out of my house last night. Usually my parents don't care how long I'm out. I am an adult...or at least I'm 18. So I can make my own decisions. But my dad called my phone last night around 1:30 and threatened me with death telling me to get home. I don't understand. I think it's cause I was with E. My father isn't too keen on us hanging out. He thinks he's a dirty old man. Some people...

Hmmm, I'm thinking I'm going to play X-box long and hard tonight. Wait, I might have been supposed to go to a Wrestling Meet with C. If she calls. I call all the time, I'm sick of it, someone call me. And my sister and I were going to go out for dinner or something. I don't know yet. If she calls. If no one calls, I'm going to be bitterly disapointed and bury myself in games...they'll understand!

Two o'clock and I'm still awake. What an accomplishment. I completely forgot I was going to sleep over lunch. I got all absorbed in Harry Potter. Now how the hell did that happen? Sure I've seen the movies, but I didn't like them enough to want to read the books.

It all started when...
It was a chilly January day in the year of 2003. I had just finished the Godfather and was reflecting on modern society. Then it happened. My mother asked, "What are you reading next?" just as simple as possible. Startled out of thought, I asked "What? I don't know, what will I do? I know, I'll have to go to Book World." "No, no" she said, "Read this, I just finished and it's quite delightful." I took the book from her outstreched hand and turned it over, examining. "Harry Potter?" I questioned. "Yes," she replied "a lovely read." Really? I would have to find out for myself. So then I made my move. I opened the book to page one. From then on, I've been reading.

I finished the first one and am now over half way thru the second. I'm kinda annoyed cause I really hate waiting for books in a series to come out. (Even tho, I am still waiting for Stephan King to finish the flippin Gunslinger Series)

I swear, I can quit anytime.

Holy jeans this is a long post. I never meant it to be. My bad. Unless it was interesting. And then I don't feel sorry at all. But if it did suck, my appologies.

That's ok, I didn't want to post that anyway you stupid fuckin blog. Sorry, my post just got deleted. And I don't know what I wrote, I write all sorts of crap and I have a poor memory. So yeah...fuck this, I'll write later.

So tired. Can't think straight.

I'm goin on a date tonight, I'm goin on a date tonight. Woot! E called around 11 and first invited me to Flordia and then to dinner. Priorities. I said maybe to FL and yes to dinner. In the middle of talking, he just blurted out "Kelly... I love you" We've had a disscusion before about how it's as a person and not being "in love" but I still shut up right away and felt a run away and hide instinct. But he just smoothed it over and carried on with the conversation. I do like this guy, but I have the whole 'outta sight outta mind' thing goin on. And that out of anything should be a sign that I don't like him as much as I should. Then again, after he got into his accident and I didn't know, I really missed him. And I miss him now...I just don't know. I'm all confused about it. But I get to see him tonight and I can say it all. That's what is great about E, you can tell him anything and he'll understand.

While I was on the phone with him (for 25 mins while at work, I'm such a bad person) D called too. I felt like Miss Everyone-loves-me. She called back while I was on lunch so I didn't get to talk to her. Sad. But hopefully she'll call again. Oh well.

[I just wrote a bunch of stuff while I was spacing out and it was terrible. Just blathering on about nothing as a natural reaction to wanting to entertain people while playing space cadet and going on a memory trip.]

I am a flirt. Not your normal flirt. I am the innocent looking girl who slides up next to you and looks at you in a certain way and you can't decide if I'm flirting or if I'm just naive. It's a lot of fun sometimes. Because, as many people have pointed out to me, I look innocent. Something about me just screams it. [I guess I've never described myself have I? Well, I don't think I'm the one to do it. I'll get a guest speaker someday.] All thru middle school, high school and after, people couldn't quite believe it when I ran into them a party. There would be a lot of "I didn't know you did that!" and "Oh my gosh, what are you doing here?" I don't understand what it is, but I've accepted it and moved on. I'm not quite sure what my point what except looks can be deceiving. Damn, that's been done...and so has every other thing like it. So fuck it, no moral today kids.

(that's right, I said fuck)

My computer doesn't seem to be functioning unless I move the mouse. Does that make any sense? Didn't think so.

I finished the Godfather. Great book. I can't believe it was so interesting and exciting. I really need to see the movies now. Someday. One at a time cause otherwise, I'll die. Maybe not.

Hello everyone! Maybe I'm strange for being so, but I'm in a good mood. Dunno why. It just seems like a pleasant day, no? Last night I called SM while driving home (I know, such a bad habit) and she told me that she had to tell me something. Sounds a little redundant doesn't it? Anyway, I guess what happened (she lost my pipe) and tell her not to worry about it too much. I tell her to meet my at my house, read Harry Potter Numero Uno, leave when she gets there. It's been kind of our tradition to go eat at Culver's either before or after a movie, so we went there. I ate food, she ate custard. Went across the street to the theatre and saw Catch Me If You Can. It's pretty good I guess. Really long and slow in spots. How exciting can bank fraud be? E called during the movie, but I couldn't answer it. After that, she dropped me off, I burned a cd, took a shower and went to bed. Wait, I talked to my parents and out of the blue, my dad asked who E was. I said a friend. So my dad comes back with "A friend who is asking permission to go on a date with you." What!? I laughed. It just seems so old fashioned.

So I'm gettting a little lonely on this page. No C to back me up on these things. Here let me do a C entry:
"Hi everyone, I'm C. I'm slacking at the moment, on break from the local college where I'm studing to be a person in modern society. Last night I went to a High School wrestling match cause I love wrestling. Watching it, taking pics, talking about it. I wanted to manage last year, but I promised my brother that I wouldn't if he joined the team. Wrestling...man is it cool. In other news, I went to a Rodeo on Saturday. It was really awesome. I got to see so many cute guys and even sit next to a few. Besides that, I've been working almost every morning and doing stuff in the night. Good times, good times."
Ok I really suck at this, I don't know what C would write.

Anyway, back to what's really important here...me. hehe, that is the most self-centered thing I have ever said. Just please know that I don't mean it. I'm hungry. And in want and need of food. Yeah baby. This day is taking forever. It's only 9:15. I wish I could just leave and not come back until Monday. Wouldn't that be great? I think so.

I'm starting to make things run together. I guess that's cause I'm not saying a whole lot of stuff. I guess that could be a hint that I should stop blabbering on about nothing. Well, I suppose so.

Whoa...talk about forgetting. I just finished a Candy Co-op project while this was sitting on the task bar...good thing no one walked in. I always do that when the receptionist asks if I can answer the phone for her while she goes out and smokes. Silly habbit. And annoying as all hell when you're bothered four times a day to do someone else's job so they can go stand around. Good times. Really.

I am such a girly girl sometimes it sickens me. I want to learn how to build stuff in the shop, but I'm afraid of the sharp stuff. I've seen too many people get hurt by them. Even when I was in shop in seventh grade, I had another girl cut my car shape for me. Oh well tho. I will overcome.

Hmmm, boring times... I don't even know if I want to go into it. Last night I went home...did nothing really. Talked a bit with my parents, watched XxX, talked on the phone with C and S at the same time on two different phones. That was interesting. I told C to call me back if she wanted to, but she didn't... :( Anyway, S was trying to get to me to go to a dance club in Madison and I turned her down. I really wanted to go but I worked this morning. She kept asking about E, so I asked if she liked him and she said a little.** We talked a bit more and then hung up. She called again later and asked if I wanted to hang out in town. I asked if she would call me when she got into town and then went to sleep. She never called. Meanie.

**He already told me he thought she did...that was kinda interesting. I didn't tell her that we sorta have a thing. I don't know what we have. A friendship for sure, but we kiss too. Hmmm, no official title. And that's all cool with me. I just don't want to be the person to tell everyone cause there are a lot of people who are gonna be a little upset. Already I have his mom, his ex, her best friend and C-more's girlfriend not happy. Whoops. I almost care. But there are a lot of girls that like him and a few guys that are interested in me so there is going to be some drama.

E called me again this morning. We talked a bit. I have such an easier time waking up if someone talks to me. It's just too bad I mumble and can't think normally. He told me about trying to set his ex up with F-meow. F-meow wasn't havin it. He said that she's a bitch. Not very kind. But understandable.

Anyway...yeah. I got to work this morning! Something different right? More of the same stuff I was doing, so I finished right away but still. An hour or so of work. Nice.

I am so bored. Really, I can't even explain it. I want to scream and shout and.....yuck. I hate the smell of air fresheners.

We got some pics from the X-mas party back. That was interesting to look at. I'm just waiting for the rest of them to get developed. I look pretty good in some pics, and pretty darn bad in some others. But I don't care. There is this cool pic of C and P-boss. They faced each other, leaned over and touched heads, looked down and took a pic. Kinda hard to explain, but it looks neato. There is also this really bad pic of me holding a matchbox and grinning like a madwoman and it's going in the company newsletter. I look not so good. Blah. Oh well. So now...I'm bored again.

There is this woman here who doesn't seem to like me. Well, another woman. There are two I know that don't like me and she's one of them. There is a pic of another coworker and her boyfriend who also works her and they look all happy and cute. Then a couple of pics later, they're glaring at each other. I laughed cause they do that sort of thing all the time and called it a before and after. The woman asked "So does that mean the party pissed everyone off?" all rude-like and it doesn't even make sense really. Either she was just being really stupid or being really mean. I can't tell which with her...maybe a little of both.

I am so bored! I know, I start way too many posts off this way but damn. Really. I've been doing nothing all this time. Before lunch I was having fun decorating a letter to P. But now. Nope. I ran out of creativity (and colors). What to do, what to do? I didn't even get to go to lunch with my sister. They had to go take their jeep into Madison cause it's a piece of crap. Not really, but they aren't happy at the moment. Oh well. I've run out of things to say. Really and it sucks. Ok, I'm going to stop bitching now and talk about something interesting.

Let's see...Beck's cd Sea Changes is really good. I picked that up this weekend and I'm gonna have to say it was a smart investment. It will go far to increase the happiness in my life. I also got Diamond Rio's newest, I don't remember the name of the album, but the song I got it for was Beautiful Mess. What a great song.

As far as X-box games go...I got Crash Bandicoot. I know, it's a little childish, but it seems harder than the Playstation versions. I haven't gotten terribly far, but I haven't really devoted a lot of time to it either. Someday. I really want to play Oddworld a bit more, but...no time and I'm stuck. I think I'm going to borrow the cheat book from my sister. I know, bad monkey.

I so drained. I wish I could go home and sleep. But I don't want to. I'd rather hang out with friends. Speaking of which I should call C and make sure she doesn't hate me. Or later since she's not home. Ya know, whatever.

*Sigh* I wish I could go sleep. That's what I would really like to do right now. Sleep. Or cuddle cause that's relaxing too.

Sometimes people just amaze me. This weekend was such a lazy weekend too, but still...I love people. It's great!

Friday - What did I do on Friday? It seems like it was so long ago. Ummm, I know C and I went to Kitchen. What did we do before that? Oh, I was at home hanging out with my parents for most of the night. I fell asleep and woke up when I walked out the door. I don't remember anything before then. I guess C came in and got me to roll off the couch. I went into the bathroom to look at myself, ran back out, grabbed my phone and told C to "slow down Speedy McQuickKeys, grabbed my keys and ran out to her car. Then I woke up. I forgot my glasses and the notebook. There were a couple of other things too. I don't remember what tho. Oh well. So C and I get to Kitchen. I walk in and can't see. JQ comes running up and gives me a big ol' hug. We sit down and start talking. I was so mean! Well, maybe not, but I sure felt mean. And tired! I was babbling and making no sense. It was fun. Everyone was laughing at the poor confused me. It took me a couple of mins but then I remembered I was supposed to meet E at Denny's. I said something and JQ just shut up. He is not happy about the E and me thing. Oh well for him. I guess it's sorta my fault. I shouldn't have led him on, but I did. And now he's not happy. Sue me. Anyway, C and I went to Denny's. It was quiet and he wasn't there. So we got french fries and talked it. It was a good time. Somewhere different where we could just talk about anything. Four guys walked in and were talking about us/hitting on us. One of the guys came over and sat by us for a couple of mins. They invited us back to their condo, but we declined. After he went and sat back down, E called. We talked a bit, he was still 45 mins away and he didn't know if he had a ride. I felt lots better after talking to him. C and I left shortly after. And I was home pretty early. Slept. I think E may have called again. I'm pretty sure. We talked from 3 until 4 in the morning. It was nice.

Saturday - I slept in until 1. Took a shower. Ate some eggs. Hung out at my house, alone, all day. Doing nothing. Ok, I played a bit of X-box, read, watched tv and stared at the wall. Woo hoo. So E called at 8 and said we should meet at Kitchen at 12. I fell asleep on the couch. He called at 1:15 or so, still 45 mins away. I gave him directions to my house. Hung up, went back to sleep. Woke up at least 3 times. Finally went into my room and slept.

Sunday - The phone rang at 20 to 8. E was down the street and looking for my place. He got there at 8:15 or something and I hung out with him all day. He slept from 12 to 4 or something. I talked to C on the phone for an hour and a half while he did so. We made plans to hang out later. Around 6 or so E and I went to a restaurant. He's so friendly. He made friends right away with our waitress. Then he was speaking spanish with a couple of the mexican workers there. They're all so nice! E is going to teach the guy English and me Spanish. It's great! And two people from different states called me. Kase-ums and P. I really wish I could have talk to both of them longer, but I didn't want to be rude. P let me talk to a friend of her's from Ohio and I guess I'm going to write her letters too. C never called like I was expecting her to tho. E and I stayed there and talked until they closed at 10. Neither of us really ate, which was strange cause I hadn't eaten all day and he only had breakfast. After that I took him to the casino and he found his way to where ever he was going from there. I went home, talked to my mom, took a shower, talked to my mom a bit more (found out C stopped by) and then went to sleep.

Today (Monday) - I was going to sleep in and be super late for work, but E called. I'm so thankful cause I don't need to be late here anymore. We talked a bit, I mumbled incoherently, he laughed. On the drive to work I ended up following my sister and my future-bro-in-law. They called my cell and asked if I want to go to lunch. I agreed and am very happy about it. Today just seems like a good day. I may look crappy and feel kinda tired. But I'm so full of energy at the same time. It's kinda weird, but I'm just gonna go with it. Yeah baby. I do wake up at 10. Strange.

I am so bored! I have nothing to do! It's insanely boring. Lunch is in a couple of mins. The receptionist and I are going to a bar downtown. Grilled chicken for me. I'm kinda getting sick of it, but at the same time I'd rather eat that than fried burger. Yuck. I've been having serious issues eating red meat lately. Well, meat in general. If it doesn't look like the animal it came from I think I'm ok. But I can't eat a chicken leg or anything terribly bloody. Ewwww, just thinking about it is making my stomach turn over.

E called me already. He called at like 9:15. I was super happy. We talked a bit. He kept telling me about this really hot girl named Kelly. He thinks we would be great friends. I get to see him tonight. Super! I was so giddy after I got off the phone with him. It's so silly! Maybe it's cynical, but I'm just kinda waiting for the happiness to go away. Then maybe we could both proceed as adults. But the nervous kid stuff is half the fun. I just don't know sometimes.

I am so .... I dunno. I'm really sick of complaining that I'm tired, but manohman am I tired. Last night...C and I watched the Ninja Turtles Episode 1. It ended way too soon and now I want the second and possibly third one. I'll have to go back and look. After the cartoon, we hung out for a bit. Played with my video camera which I haven't seen in ages. Then we talked a bit and put in a movie my supervisor let me borrow. Sunset Blvd. Good movie. I could laugh and feel really bad at the same time. The Narrator is so sarcastic and funny.

I've noticed that recently while watching movies, I am so much more emotional than I ever used to be. I can cry for a character just by thinking about the situation he/she is in. Like Vanilla Sky. It's not really a crying movie, but I was sad for quite a while after watching that. Cause he was so confused and had no idea what was going on (not that anyone else did either). And last night in Sunset Blvd, Norma couldn't handle not being famous. I felt really bad for her. I'm just getting into the movies a bit more, but not all the movie. Just the emotion part of it. Ya know? Cause I don't.

So after C left, L called and was trying to get me to meet him somewhere. Don't really know where, but I know it was outta town. So I declined. I was going to go, but then I got lazy. I got online and chatted a bit with a friend I don't really hang out with*. Which is kinda sad. But the phone rang at 10:30 or so. I was confused. I was thinkin it was my parents cause they weren't home yet, but no. It was E. Horray! We talked. He said he missed me and wanted to see me. We talked about seeing each other tomorrow (today), but we don't know cause he has to buy a car. So I think he's going to call me today sometime.

* I went to school with this guy. We kinda liked each other at first. Nothing happened with it tho. So then he didn't like me and I liked him and when he finally did like me, I didn't like him. Very confusing to explain, but simple really. Anyway, I sorta hooked him up with P for a day or two (ulterior motive, P had to realize that she liked KJ...and it worked). Now everyone is happy except for this guy.*

I got my pics from New Year's back. There are a lot of really close up shots. And a lot of pics of me. I dunno why. You would think that, it being my camera, there wouldn't be a lot of pics of me. But there was. I was confused. I remember getting my pic taken a lot, but not that much, about half the film is me. But I got pics of everyone else too, so I don't care that much.

Memory trip. wow. I never want to drink that much again. And I'm not talking about New Year's. I just thinking about pics of me in my photo album. Scary.

Ok, it's cold. I'm really starting to dislike winter. Starting? No, just continuing. Winter sucks. I haven't even gone snowboarding in a long, long time. I need to call someone about a snowboard too. I just hope it's long enough, cause I'm frickin tall.

Since it seems like I'm thinking more than I'm typing, I think I'll stop this here post. I'm sure something exciting will come up sooner or later. Or not. Ya know, whatever!

Man is my memory slipping. I said something over the phone to C a little bit ago and I can’t remember what it was. It made no sense at all and was really funny. I think I need to stop with the memory killer. Hehehe I need weed killer.

What?

Ok, I'm bored. Sitting at work with nothing to do. I really enjoyed the post at ph8.blogspot.com today. It fits. 2:00. That's it. Just 2. I wish it were at least 3.

OHHH!!!! I forgot. I went to Walgreens over lunch. Dunno why. I had a book, but I thought I might look and see if they had anything good (so very rarely does that happen). But I was walking by a bin with a ton of videos in it and by chance the video I happen to see is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Heroes in a Half Shell. I was super happy! I looked to see if they had any others, but I had the only one in my hand! And because it's super old and pre-viewed it was super cheap. Not that it would have mattered to me. I love TMNT. So very very much. I remember owning this video actually. But thru moving and other such nonsense, it disapeared. So very sad. And now I have it! I'm excited! I can't wait to go home and watch it!

Ok enough exclamation points already.

I got warm fuzzy feelings today. I just feel like being nice. It's a great day, no? I think so.

Wow, how to explain the last couple of days. It's been great! I can say that.

Monday - P was waiting for me when I got home. We put in Lion King and KJ came over. OH called and I had to talk to him for the second half of the movie. After that was all done, my family all went over to my sister's house and ate food. I fell asleep and when I woke up I felt like crap. But moving around did me some good. We opened presents and I got some cool stuff. Super cool stuff. Oh well. My future bro-in-law and I went 4-wheeling in their jeep. It was fun. I left around 11 cause it was getting boring. Went to Kitchen. For most of the night I hung out with P and M. E kept saying he wanted to talk to me, but kept talking to other people. So I just kinda chilled. Finally E came and talked to us, but it was so early in the morning. I about died. P is not impressed by E. The age thing really weirds her out and I don't blame her. But she kinda makes me feel bad about it. So we left and fell asleep.

Tuesday - Slept from 7 or 8 or something until 3:30 or something. I don't really remember. We took forever getting up. KJ called and was going to be over at 6. So P and I were going to be all showered and ready to go. I finally got into the shower at 5:20. P took a bath after I was done and all we had to do by the time KJ got there was make up. And he was late. So it was all good. We went to Walmart, got some liquor, went to the liquor store and tried to get some more but...apparently cause KJ and I didn't have ID, P couldn't even purchase anything. So we went to a gas station and got some stuff. Went back to my house and ordered pizza. After we got that and ate, we drove over to my sister's. Hung out for a bit, watched the first part of the Carebears. We played Asshole for a bit, but P and I were getting sick. Don't drink two bottles of Mt. Dew Code red with Dr. Vanilla and then switch to JD's Lemonade. Nasty. We didn't realize it was midnight until it was five after. KJ, P and my future bro-in-law watched Super Troopers while my future bro-in-law, his friend and I went into the smoking room. I about died! I laughed soooo hard over nothing. Around 3:30 or so, KJ drove my car and we went back to my house. I went to sleep right away.

Wednesday - I woke up around 7 when C-more called. Her, her girlfriend and E all got a Suite at a hotel and she was trying to get me to go there. I wasn't moving so I told her to call back in a couple of hours. She did and I still wasn't moving. Finally I was up at 12:55. Before 1. That's exciting. I was kinda mean and woke KJ and P up. E called and wanted to go to breakfast. So I said I would meet him. He called right before I was going to leave and we ended up setting a different time and place. P had to leave, so I gave her a hug and promised to write. I waited a bit and then left. I was supposed to meet him at 3:30, but didn't get there until a quarter to. And then I couldn't find the room. So I had to get directions twice and then no one answered the door. I tried a house phone, but the line was busy. I went back to my car and made a ton of phone calls wishing everyone happy new year's and all. I saw C-more show up and so I followed her up and into the room. Got off the phone. Said hello to everyone. E and I went into the other room and talked. It was so nice. We just kinda snuggled and talked. He was kissing my forehead and cheeks and hair and it was nice. Finally we end up kissing. And that was nice. People kept calling me tho. I guess I could have ignored them, but I didn't. I think I pissed a friend off too. See, we haven't really talked in awhile and E was distracting me. So when I cut the conversation short, she was ticked. I tried to call her later in the night to explain but she wasn't home. I think she told me that. Anyway, E falls asleep. I watch tv. After an hour or so, his mom comes and wakes him up. She was going to drive him back to his town so he could fix everything that has been messed up since his accident. She leaves C-more's girlfriend in charge of getting him up in an hour and leaves. So C-more, her girlfriend and I are all trying to wake him up. Finally succeeding. But after talking a bit, he didn't remember that his mom was there or anything we all talked about for ten mins after. C-more and her girl left. E and I talked more. I was kinda in the middle of telling him about a previous relationship that sucked and his mom knocked. So I was formally introduced. She's a bitch. Really. But E and I said goodbye while she was in the bathroom. He gave me a little kiss and she might have walked out just in time to see, but I don't care. I left. Drove home floating. Got McDonald's, got online, chatted, took a shower, went to sleep. Woke up this morning on time, but then rolled over and went back to sleep. Whoops. But got to work almost on time anyway.

Am I being silly about this? The whole E thing. He is older, but big whoop. Granted it's 12 years. That's right 12 years. I don't know. People don't really understand it, but we connect. I hate sounding so stupid (at least that's what it feels like to me). I've been very careful about what I tell him, but what he tells me is what I notice. If that makes sense. If it doesn't...oh well, I know what I mean. So ... what? He told me it's all up to me about what happens.

So I found out some other interesting things this weekend. Not that I can say here, cause I need to tell some other people first. If they read about it...that would be bad. Oh well. I'm going to go work. Or at least pretend I am. Yeah. I'll prolly write P instead. Fun fun.