Monday, June 30, 2003

I don't know if I could be in more pain if I tried...

Friday - I met P and Shawn at the restaurant Shawn works at. P and I decided to go see a movie, hopefully 28 days later. But when we got to the theatre, it wasn't there. So we saw Charlie's Angels #2. It was ok, not believable in any way, shape or form, but still cool. Afterwards, we went on the strip and walked. Yay for that. We saw a bunch of people we knew and spent a lot of time talking. Around 10, we went to my parents' house and hung out with them and also my uncle and aunt from Iowa. That was fun, I fell asleep eventually. After I woke up, I woke P up and we left.

Saturday - Hmmm, I got up at 6 to let Shawn in. We both went back to sleep. I woke up again at 9:30 or something. We all got dressed and left. I think. Long story short, despite the fact that it was raining, we still went to Madison to see Rhythm and Booms. We spent all day in the sun and met a couple of new people. Shawn and I have those 2-way radios and so do many other people. Instead of drinking water like I should have, I drank a bottle of coke spiked with vanilla schnapps. A lot of vanilla schnapps. After the show, I was having a hell of a time. I wasn't feeling buzzed in anyway, I just felt bad. I had a headache most of the day, I got hit in the face twice and a hell of a sunburn on my chest. On the drive home, I laid in the backseat and alternated between happy and fine and pissed off and bitchy. That's pretty much the way it's been lately. Instead of getting out of the car when I got home, I crawled out onto the street and took a second before standing up. I tripped while going up the stairs and was just exhausted and had tears leaking out of my eyes the whole time. Shawn and I crawled into bed and passed out around 2:30.

Sunday - Woke up at .... 8? Sure. I got my swimming suit all packed and whatever. My sister called and we talked for a bit. I woke P and Shawn up at 8:50 and said we needed to be at my sister's at 9. They scrambled to get ready and we left at 9:15. Whoops. Eventually we got to Noah's Ark. It's a hella-huge water park. The only other time I had been there was with my sister and Jerry. Jerry was one of my supervisors at Hardee's when I worked there. We used to hang out, but then he started touring with the circus. Literally, he was the drummer in the band. Anyway, we met Jerry and his boyfriend there. Fun time with the whole waterslide thing going on. After awhile, we got separated from everyone so it was just P, Shawn and I. They wanted to lay out...I didn't. Cause I could tell I was hella-burnt. And it hurt. But because I'm a nice person and P needed a ride home, I stayed. Cause otherwise I would have left. Then after a conversation (read: argument) about when we're going to leave, P and I go swimming in the wavepool to cool down. And it was freezing. But when P and I got back to our chairs, there is Shawn all ready to go. Right then. Why? Because he wants to go to our house and do his hair before he goes to work. Hmmm. I was a little pissed off. Cause I had just gotten yelled at because I wanted to leave and then all the sudden I'm getting yelled at because he wants to leave. Well, not really yelled at but still...so P and I got funnelcakes and then left. I gave Jerry my number cause it really had been a year since I last saw him. Sad. When we got home, I put noxeema on my burn. I've been doing that since I was a kid...it works. Then we smoked. Self-medication. Shawn went to work, I took a shower and then P and I watched Dumb and Dumber. I needed to lay down and she took over my couch, so I went into my room. I pretended to read for a little bit...but gave up and went to sleep. I woke up again and P is standing over my bed all excited because she was a little pink. I fell back asleep and wake up and there is Shawn and P standing over my bed talking about me. That's a strange thing to have happen. So yeah...we compared sunburns...I have it the worse. Cause Shawn is burnt, but he's also tan. I'm just red. We smoked again and I went to bed finally.

Here I am at work with people, thinking they're clever, coming up to me and asking if I "got a little sun?" Well, duh. It's not funny after the first ... 3 times. Wait, it's not even funny before then. Ow.

Friday, June 27, 2003

I'm very frusterated with this job.I can't get personal calls at work anymore. What crap. I may be one of the favorites of the manager, but I still don't want to be "caught" with/doing anything that could piss him off. He has a temper.

I stuffed envelops all day yesterday and today. Then last night, one of the reasons it was so bad, I realized that this is not what I want to be doing with my life. I've been doing page design of some sort or another since 7th grade. This is just a bit more advanced. And I don't think I like it. Or it might be ok...if it all weren't so political. I want to try a different area, like actually making an ad. I can't even try because I don't know how to use a lot of these programs... I mean Photoshop 3? Come on, it's not even worth learning. Plus, there is the fact that this company said they would pay for me to take classes on anything, as long as it would benefit the company. Well...the other day Turdy came in and I asked about a photoshop class and she said that it was thousands of dollars and thought that we (the production department) would prolly just read the manuals and have the graphic designer show us stuff. Wha? Damn it! I took this job thinking it would pay for my education and I could gain experience so that I could get a different job. I guess they didn't want me to do that.

So I was thinking this yesterday and that's where the whole bartending on a cruise ship came in. I wouldn't have to worry about a place to live or food. I could see the world (I realize I wouldn't actually get to see a lot, but I wouldn't be in Wisconsin). I would meet new people. I think it would be a lot of fun. Who's comin' with me?

UPDATE: Wow. I looked up some cruise line employment guides and I'm totally drooling. This is what I want to do right now. All I can think of is how it will be so much harder for me to do this next year. Just because I don't want to wait. But first I have to get bartending experience and also finish up the lease on my apartment. I can't imagine living at home again, but why pay rent if I'm not going to be there? I guess I'd have to see how much I would be making...but it's still a long time away. I need to pick up some job applications...quick.

Last night I had to leave the smoking room. It was a bad time. I thought of a lot of things I still don't like about myself. But then I realized if I were to be the "perfect" me...I would get totally abused and taken advantage of. Because it's not a perfect world.

I also had the idea of bartending on a cruise ship next year.

My aunt and uncle are coming to visit this weekend from Iowa. Woo hoo! I haven't seen them in forever and they're tons of fun. So fire at my parents house tonight. Then tomorrow, it's off to Rhythm and Booms. Sunday...it truly is the day of rest.

So remember how I called Beppo on Wednesday night? Well, he never called me back. Normally I wouldn't care tooo much. But I do. Just the whole, only calling him when I'm not sober and him not calling me back. I dunno what's going on. Am I just too sensitive? Prolly.

Thursday, June 26, 2003

You should watch the mail me friend . . .

Holy different...what? Oh well.

I had to visit Toast last night. His mom was there...and she got there first. But I asked if she would mind if I went. Hahaha. She let me. I'm such a bitch. Well...yeah. I didn't have a whole lot to say, but we talked a lot of bs. Like normal. I got home and Shawn, P and I ordered Chineese and watched some silly movie. Extreme Ops or something...Predictable but entertaining. At the end, the deliver guy came and we invited him in and got him a soda. Yeah, we know how to party. He stayed for about 10 minutes. Oh he's a cutie!

He left, we ate and watched Two Weeks Notice. Good movie. I was totally sucked in. Which means I got so excited at one point that I flipped the chair I was on over backwards. Yeah it was predictable, but it was sooo entertaining. I love Sanda Bullock and I think that George was Hugh Grants best character yet. He played him perfectly!

P and I had a couple of drinks and I called Beppo. I tried to say I was sober (I really was) to him, but then I had to admit I might not be all the way sober cause I had a drink. I can't fuckin lie to him! Well, I can't really lie to anyone, but especially him. But I really was sober. We talked for a bit and he asked if he could call me back. I agreed and after we hung up, I went pacing back and forth across the house trying to figure out what is going on with "us". P listened patiently and spoke when I needed her to. I don't think we figured out anything except that I'm a freak. Yay!

P and I have decided that we're going to New York in October. Why not? October because she needs to save up some money and I need to...well, no reason really. But we want to fly I think...I'm not fuckin driving. Anyway, I brought it up last night cause...well, I want to go. And her eyes got all misty and she said she wanted to go too...she loved it when she went a couple of years ago. So that's the plan. If you live in New York or know someone who would let us stay for a night or two in October...you would be my hero.

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

YAY for Kasey! Wait, I emailed you and you never sent anything back you witch. Ok, I forgive you, but you had better write me soon!

That reminds me ... I got called beautiful from some lady I don't know last night. She came up to me and said "Hey, you're that beautiful girl, from the wake. We were talking about you. Gosh, you're beautiful" I was a little bit confused, but I just smiled.

Last night...P and I had our first casual drink in our apartment. Meaning, I came home, grabbed two beers outta the fridge and we sat on the balcony drinking and talking. No more than that, but it was nice. Celebrate. I tried to take a nap, but it was so freckin hot...I had just fallen asleep, but P brought in my noodles. I ignored those for a little while and was falling asleep again, when Shawn called. I never even got a nap.

P and I met Shawn at a McDonalds on the way to Madison. We had our radios and we're talking to one another while driving. Good times. It was tag-team driving. I called Joey to see what was going on and he invited us over. Shawn was all worried about smoking and didn't think Joey would, so he wasn't going to go...I had faith tho and talked him into it. It paid off later.

Shawn was quiet last night. Somehow he got left outside when everyone else was done smoking so I went back out to sit with him. We talked a bit and he said he was a little jealous of Levi. Because Levi and I have been friends for years. I tried to explain the relationship, and he may have understood. I don't know if it helped or not. We also made plans for Rhythem and Booms. I hope it all works out.

Aaron was at the club! We had a lot of fun with him. I invited him to come hang out sometime...of course I usually do. He says that P and I are doing really well if we're trying to turn him straight. Well, he is only bi... I don't know what else really special happened. Nothing I guess. I left at 12:45 cause I was bored and really tired.

Driving home sucked. I saw huge black spiders crawling across the road! The would sit there until I drove close and then would run away...wait...they weren't real at all, I was just seeing things. Oh and I camethisclose to falling asleep. If my car hadn't whistled I prolly would have. Scary stuff right there. I got into bed around 2:20. The phone rang sometime later and it was Shawn telling me goodnight and that he loved me. What a sweetie.

This morning I sat up when my alarm was going off and almost threw up. I feel completely .... blah! My tummy hurts. My body aches. And I can't breath without coughing. But that's something else entirely.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Hello to the pretty one that lives down the states . . . :D

I feel like I don't think I should be. I just don't care right now. I've been so insanely emotional the last week that I just can't handle it anymore. I go from soaring highs to the bottom of an endless depression. In twenty minutes! Besides tearing up a bit this morning when talking to my sister, I haven't really been able to feel a whole lot.

And it bothers me. But not really because I'd don't feel any emotion.

But what can I do? There is no fuckin way I'm getting meds for depression. I'd like to see a therapist just for kicks for a while, but that's expensive stuff right there.

I think it's just people. There are so many fake people out there. They seem like friends and they seem like they care, but they just aren't there for you when you need them.

And then the last couple of days I've been thinking about how people just walk in and out of your life. There are so many people I'm not ready to let go of. It really gets me down when I think I'll prolly never see 'this' person again or 'this' one. I love meeting new people, they have different experiences to share and new ideas to ponder. I can think of a lot of people I've met once and never saw again. Even people from a couple of summers ago! But then I feel bad when I can't remember someone from a week earlier. Which has happened.

On the plus side, my mom found $35 of mine behind my dresser at their house.

It has just been a hard time these last couple of weeks. I thought I might finally catch a break but no.

Last night after I got home from work, the living room was picked up, but the kitchen was still a mess. I bagged all the empty bottles leftover from Saturday and took the garbage out. Shawn was playing x-box, but stopped when we all went to Walmart. Shawn and I walked around the store hugging most of the time. It was fun. P and I got some shopping done...not quite sure if we got what was needed, but yeah...

Shawn was waiting for W to call about some smoke Shawn was looking for. W is my sister's boyfriend, so when he hadn't called by 10, I called my sister. Her phone was off, so I called W. He says that she had a colposcopy and a biopsy that morning. This is the second time she's had this done and ow. This is one of the most painful things for a woman to have done. W sat by her and held her hand and he said it could hear it when they cut. They do it because she had an abnormal result on her pap. I know, TMI but it's bothersome. This could be cancer. And if it is...they would have to take whatever out. Which means no kids...ever. But if they didn't take it out...she would die of cancer. We have to wait two weeks before we find out.

Monday, June 23, 2003

Is it normal for someone you hardly know to ask you what's wrong after talking to them for 2 minutes? Is there something wrong?

Also, I've been invited to go to LA for 5 days in July. Should I go? I want to go on Vacation, but I didn't really see LA as a destination. And the guy that invited me...I don't know him that well. We're just friends that hang out every month or so. But I really really really want to go on vacation. Not really vacation, but something...I want to go to NEW YORK DAMN IT! But my biggest fear is I'll go there and it'll be exactly like it is here.

This was a great weekend. I'm so glad my friends rock so much.

Friday - Shawn stayed the night Thursday night and hung out at my house while I was at work. I only worked from 8-12 because I had an eye appointment. He cleaned my house for me. I was so surprised and happy. We did some errands and then I had to go to my eye appointment. We had just bought two-way radios so we were talking while I was getting checked out. The doctor didn't mind too much...I don't think. After that we went canoing. It was a blast. We smoked before we went...then we paddled out into the middle of the lake and jumped in.

He had to work at midnight but C and another of my friends came over. They stayed for a bit and then left. I felt bad that my friend drove two hours and I didn't really get to see him. They left because I looked tired. So what did I do? Went over to my sister's and smoked. Duh!

Saturday - I woke up at 11. Went and did laundry at my parents until 4 when I needed to be home. I just wanted to hang out at home. P was home! She was laying on the couch crying. Aww. We talked for a while. I told her it had been a hard week and she said that all we had been doing was smoking. Which is true. But I told her about Dan and she started to cry again. I cried too. Damn, this has got to get easier sometime. But when? C recently discovered that Dan died on Monday. Monday was her birthday. I'm afraid she's reading too much into it. It's not like Dan knew.

Oh well...C and Clay came over that night. Clay drank and smoked with me. Strange...normally he's just a drinker. I'm such a bad influence. Everyone passed out and I watched the scariest episode of Buffy. I might have screamed a little.

Sunday - I woke up at 10:30. Clay had already been up since 8:30. We watched more fricken Buffy. Then finally we got moving. Clay and I went to a hands-on museum and decided we should have smoked before we went. We went on an old wooden roller coaster. We drove all the way back to my house, picked up P and went to a waterpark. Yay for hot guys. We swam for a bit and then laid-out. The sun felt nice. Unfortunately, I've noticed that sun has no effect on my see-thru white skin. I can't get tan for the life of me. P and I swam a bit more, then we all changed. I looked damn good. I know this because I got checked out so many times I can't even count. There was this one guy who P and I had been looking at most of the time we were there. Then while getting in line for some weak-ass roller coaster, this guy totally stared at my chest while I was walking by. At the end of the line, I asked who was sitting next to me, cause I wasn't sitting alone. P says, "well that guy will". The guy beckons me to come up to him. So I jumped over the fence and agreed to ride next to him. We introduced ourselves and talked for a bit. His name was Tyler. He's wasn't a super hottie, but he wasn't ugly. In case you were wondering. So he was with some dj from WJJO. My goodness am I getting to know those guys. Oh well, Tyler and I went over to his group of guys and talked for a bit after we got off the ride. Mosh (the wjjo dj) asked if I liked Joe. I didn't understand so he asks again. Finally I get it that he said Joe and the front of my shirt says JOE on it. Surprise. So I turn around and lift my hair to show him that the back says MOMMA. The guys all laughed. He shook my hand and said that he liked her too. Then they asked if I had any tattoos. I said yeah and then showed them. They tried to get me to tell them what it means, but they didn't succeed. They invited me to go to the bar and I would have gone...but I'm only 18. FUCK!

P, Clay and I went on some more rides and then went back to the car. Shawn had called a couple of times so I called him back. He was done with work and wanted to hang out. So we drove out to his restaurant and talked with the owner a bit. Then we all met up at my place. We ordered pizza and Shawn, Clay and I smoked. Shawn didn't believe it was creeper and Clay hardly hits it...so they were calling me weak because I admitted that I was high. Then later Shawn had my phone and a bunch of money in his hand, when I tried to get my phone he wouldn't let me because he thought I was going to take his money. What an ass. Oh well, we talked and said how sad it was that we missed each other and we'd only not seen each other for a day. We were watching something...The Emperor's New Groove. I went to bed, but Shawn talked to me on the 2-way radio for a bit. Then I got up, we smoked a cigarette and he left for work. I made sure he was going to call me when he got to work...what can I say? I worry.

I was laying in bed and decided it would be a good idea to call Beppo. The plan was to ask if he was mad at me or something because the last time we talked, I called him from Shawn's party when I was drunk. That was almost a month ago. I've called him twice since then and he hasn't called back. So I'm way too sensitive and take it as he's mad. I dunno, that's just what I do. We start talking and I'm keeping pretty quiet. I tell him about what's been going on. I started talking, for some reason, about how ordinary I am. He laughed and asked how I could think I was ordinary. I explained how all I do is work and hang out with friends. I don't really have a special life in anyway. He laughs again and says you called me up at 11:30 at night and you think that's ordinary?

What it's not? I didn't think it was that strange. But what got my little heart all a-flutter was that he doesn't think I'm ordinary.

Anyway, I got off the phone around 12:15 or something. I woke up at 2:40 thirsty as all fuck. Clay is still on the couch. I get some water, turn around there he is standing right next to me. It scared the hell outta me. He gets all his stuff together and leaves. I couldn't fall back asleep. At least not until 4. That sucked.

So I've decided I smoke too much and should take a week off or something. Cause it's getting pretty bad. I don't need to be all stupid all the time. That might be a little hard with Shawn around, but P will support me. Too bad C's going to miss this sober week.

Friday, June 20, 2003

It was hard. Casey (Jacob's boyfriend) and I practically had to hold Jacob up while standing at the coffin to say goodbye. But it was hard. Dan didn't look right. I mean I knew he wasn't going to...but I kept expecting him to be smiling, laughing, happy Dan. But reality hit.

Levi was awesome about everything yesterday. He totally stood by me the whole time, holding me and taking care of me while I took care of Jacob.

There were a couple of people there that I knew. The hot tub club included. A lot of people I didn't know. And there was drama of course. Nothing in that town can be simple.

Thursday, June 19, 2003

The wake is today. Jacob is supposed to call me and tell me where to meet him so we can go together. I'm going to need him. This will be hard.


So Jacob called and we talked...without crying. Wow. Anyway, after getting directions from him, I went outside to smoke. Not many people here (at my office) know I smoke. I know a lot of them don't like it and I don't want to throw anything in their face. But this is a "trying time" (to quote someone sending sympathy my way) and I just felt the need to smoke. As one of the ladies is walking by outside, she stops, looks me up and down and keeps moving on. All I wanted to do was scream in her face. What the fuck is she looking at me for? She doesn't even know me. I don't care if she stopped smoking recently because her mom died of lung cancer. That was her decision. I'm making my decision to smoke.

Ugg, I don't know why I'm letting such a small thing get to me, but it really did.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

How to even talk about last night? I mean, sometimes...wow.

I drove last night to Madison, club night right? Well, once there I had to smoke Joey up cause he ALWAYS smokes me up. So share and share alike right? So we were pretty high. C forgot her id so we weren't going to go, which is why I got so high...cause I didn't have to drive. Then everyone decides to sneak her in anyway. C ended up driving Shawn's car and I rode with Clay in his car. On the way there, he was buzzed and I was high so we had a lot great conversations. At least twenty in the time it took us to get to the club. But he starts telling me this story of a guy who can't be with his boyfriend because his boyfriend is an undercover cop and the guy is like the middleman and only 17. They get found out and can't ever see each other. So on Sunday night/Monday morning, the guy hung himself. I almost started crying right there in the car when I found that out.

We get to the club and couldn't get C in. So we stood out in the parking lot and Jacob shows up. He comes over and talks to us and he starts talking about the guy that Clay was telling me about. I find out that this "guy" is Dan. My friend Dan. Dan who I played hack with on Chandler Street. Who was always going to come visit me because he had family up here too. Who I have a picture of in my photo albumn smiling like nothing in the world is wrong is now dead.

And it's so fuckin hard. I can't deal with this right now.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

My boss is back from Wales/Ireland and it's great. Finally, someone who thinks for themself. I just realized that that is the reason we get along. Most of the people in this office are old ladies. If not in body, then in mind. I'm ready to stay young the rest of my life. I doubt that will happen, but until I make a decision to change, this is me. My boss is the same way. He doesn't care what people think. We talk and make fun of ourselves and other people. Never to hurt anyone tho. But we do have some really bad jokes cause sometimes you just have to laugh. I dunno. It's different.

And fucking yay for Frances Black.

Remember when my boss was leaving and he invited me with him?? I so should have gone. Because what marvelous Hard Rock band is starting a tour of Europe really soon? What Hard Rock band did I listen to while mopping up the dining room at Hardee's? What Hard Rock band have I gone to see, not once, but twice? That's right Disturbed. My boss got to sit next to David on the plane. And he had no clue who they were.

Eww. I do not like sushi. I tried it. Twice. I just can't handle it.

After work, Shawn and C were waiting for me. I gave C three cards I made while I was bored at work...I think she liked them. Off we went to the sushi place. Shawn was driving like a madman. I didn't have my seatbelt on cause I was in the backseat and on the phone...so it's harder to put on so I just didn't. I started off sitting on the passenger side, we went around the corner and all the sudden I was in a little ball behind Shawn who was driving. Just as quick I was back to sitting on the other side again. I may have injured my nose in the incident...

We went and got sushi. Ew. I tried, I thought it looked good, but no. I didn't like it. It's not that it tasted bad...it's that I couldn't handle the texture. The taste was a little strange...I don't like crab so that was a problem. But it was just yuck. I had to stop eating it. Shawn had a bite of C's, then later he fuckin burps the loudest ever and it stank like ass! So no...sushi is not a friend.

The plan was to get high and bake C a cake. Well, Shawn and I smoked and then everyone got really lazy. Strange, huh? There was a big discussion on Veggie oil and another one about lighters. When Shawn and I went out to smoke we talked about friends and a lot about C. Just going on about how great she is hanging out with us on her birthday and how there really isn't anyone like her. She's just completely different than a lot of people and how extremely cool she is. Then we went on and on about how great it is that that four of us are friends. P, C, Shawn and I. I had a theory about that. Even tho I introduced everyone in the group to each other, it was destiny that we be friends. Because Shawn and P went to the same high school for a couple of years, but never met each other even tho they had a shit ton of mutual friends. It took C and I a couple of years before we met even tho we had mutual friends. Shawn used to drive by my house to visit a friend and wonder about it. But we all met up again. P and I met at work. Shawn and I met at the mall and then the club. C and I already knew each other and all the sudden we're a group. We had a really deep conversation about it and both of us were tearing up. What babies.

C left and Shawn passed out. Sometimes I'm really nice and it really sucks. Remember how Shawn just talked for an hour or two telling me about him, well, last night I was talking about me and he passed out. I understand tho cause he worked from Sunday night at 6 pm until Monday morning at 8 and then hung out with C all day so he hadn't slept in a long time.

Tonight we plan on celebrating more 'cause it's club night. Not a lot of people knew it was C's birthday but we're going to party anyway.

Monday, June 16, 2003


Shawn and C met me for lunch. We went to Taco Bell and it was nasty, but it's Taco Bell so we were expecting that and enjoyed the nasty-ness of it. Shawn gave C a HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARD! And it was really beautiful. We had a great time at lunch just checkin guys out and talking about all sorts of stuff like normal. I was just so happy that they came all the way to my place of work to see me just for lunch. Granted they're hanging out down the street now... but still damn it! I was super happy and looking forward to it all morning. Now I'm looking forward to hanging out with them tonight. The only thing bad about today is that C's gift didn't come in time. So hopefully it will get here soon and I can give it too her before she leaves for Vegas on Saturday. :( Oh well, good for her!

Shawn gave me a card that looked kinda like C's, but it was all about how happy he is that we're friends. Like, everything in the card is exactly what we say to each other and while reading it I teared up a little bit. I've got the warm fuzzy feeling going on...wait, no, that's just the Taco Bell.


Friday - I got home from work and cleaned my apartment. I was sooo tired I laid on my bed and almost fell asleep. C showed up and I let her in. She said she didn't mind if I wanted to take a quick nap so I laid on my bed and totally passed out. From 7 until 11. I woke up and studied a little bit for the mixology test on Saturday. C was hungry so she ran to the groccery store real quick and got some food. I couldn't eat...I wasn't feeling well. Then Shawn buzzed and I when I asked who it was (I knew it was him cause he held the buzzer down) he just yelled to "let us in". I pushed the button that lets him in and then thought, who is us? I soon found out. He brought this guy, Paul over. Now that's not a big deal, except I have never met this person in my life and neither had Shawn before this night. Ehh, oh well. So we sat out in the living room talking for a little bit and then went in and smoked. It was so crazy! Paul just starts talking about Superman's alter ego Clark Kent and about his real name on his planet. Shawn goes on and on about the name Nevaeh. We had a very in depth conversation about what a stunt team actually does (we've come to the conclusion they do stunts) and it was just strange. I started laughing outta nowhere saying it was too much and Paul said "What? That there is a complete stranger in your apartment making no sense at all." I said "No that's not ...wait that's it exactly!" So Paul left cause he had to drive way way up north to go home. Shawn and I smoked again and C definately got a contact. I don't even know what happened. But I went to bed, Shawn watched a movie and C fell asleep in the chair. I can think of more comfy places.

Saturday - Woke up around 10. C and I went to Milwaukee and took our test. We both passed. So we went to Old Country Buffet to celebrate. Mmmm food. Mmmmm cute waiter. After which we drove to Levi and Crusty Monkey's new place. It's nice, but their rent is outrageous. I could never afford to live in the city. We decided to go to the zoo. I was super excited but then we get there and find out it's closed. Anyway, Levi makes a comment about this other girl becoming his "fag-hag". I just turn and look at him (cause even tho I hate being refered to as that, that's what I am, well, should be, to him). He just looks at me and says "What? You've got Shawn now." That's so not cool.

Later on, I tried to talk Levi into coming to my town and staying the night or just hanging out with me for awhile because we haven't hung out in "our" town in years. Literally. But he didn't want to drive the hour there and then just have to drive back the next morning. Well what the fuck? I drive it all the time to see him. So I asked Crusty if he would come hang out with me then cause he wasn't doing anything and we would have a ton of fun (cause everyone has fun with me). But he didn't want to cause he hates my town. His town. The town. Anyway, he hates it. So I got pissed off and just sat on the couch. Levi thought he could solve it all and pulled me into the other room to find out what was wrong.

Levi: What's wrong Kel?
Me: I drive here all the fucking time to see you guys. All the time. You got your house Tuesday and I've already been here to see it. I've been my place two weeks and you have yet to come see it.
Levi: You know I wanted to on Weds but it wasn't up to me. And I would come tonight but I don't feel like driving all the way there and then back.
Me: *Walking back into the living room to get my stuff and leave* All I'm saying is it's getting pretty fucking old.

When I went back in the room C and Leslie realized they had missed something happening, so C said to me something like "let's go so you can tell me about it." After that I just didn't feel the need to talk about it. I would have had she not said that, but then I just didn't need to. It wasn't on purpose or anything and I was nice on the drive home and all that....but yeah.

I had C drop me off at my parents and suddenly SM calls. YAY! She wanted to hang out so she came and picked me up. We went to Walmart and I got my dad a cd. I had never heard it before, didn't know what it sounded like, but I got it anyway. We went back to my place, smoked and then tried to go to some fair thing. Which meant driving 20 minutes. Ahhh! It was scary. But we made it alive. Laughing even...surprise. But then some of SM friends told us there were a lotta cops and it was closing down anyway (10:50pm). SM and I drove to another town, 20 minutes away and went to Starbucks. Yay for Starbucks. Actually it was kinda gross. We then went to 2Fast 2Furious. That was so cheesy, bro. But the cars were beautiful. I read for a long time before I went to sleep at 3.

Sunday - Shawn called at 3:30 am and said he was going on a breakfast date and that he would be over or call or something around 12. I was sleeping when he called so I wasn't really listening. I woke up for real at 10:30 or 11 or something. I sat outside in the sun reading a magazine, getting some sun. I put in The Fast and The Furious and watched most of it. Sat outside some more. Clay finally calls at 2:30 and I run out to meet him. We come back to my place and talk for awhile about all the drama going on. Then we go and shop/boy watch. We eat at the restaurant he's been wanting to visit and Shawn was working. He waited on us. It was so cute! Clay filled out an application and we were on our way....to a high adreline ride. It was so much fun. Then back to my place. We put a movie in and Clay quickly fell asleep. So I took a shower and my parents came over. We went in my room so we didn't wake Clay up. My mother said it smelled like pipe smoke or something in our house. Hmmm, I said it might be because D and I went to a cigar shop and they had been sitting in the room all day in the sun...or some such bs. They knew it was bs too. Oh well. I gave my dad the cd and we listened to it. Strange strange cd. But I offered to keep it and get him something else. He agreed. He wants jazz.

All the sudden I hear the door buzz and who should it be but Shawn himself. I kicked my parents out saying I wanted to go to bed...they were falling asleep anyway. Clay and Shawn talk for awhile. I'm dying for something exciting to happen cause I've heard all what they're talking about before. We talk about smoking and then finally do it. Clay didn't. It seems like a long time later, I walk the guys out. I tell Clay how much I truly appreciate him coming to see me. He actually is going to come again this weekend. Then Shawn and I sit in his car listening to a song and just talking. I don't even know what about. But I know I thanked him a million times for caring about me. He left because he had to go to work and I went and read before falling asleep at 12:15.

I woke up today and almost died. I'm sooo tired! And bored. I should be working.

Friday, June 13, 2003

My lungs hurt.

Ok yesterday I think my brain just decided to stop working. See, C (see see, c c?)....anyway C and I had made plans on Wednesday night to get chineese delivery and watch South Park at my parents. Shawn and I made plans Tuesday and Wednesday that we were going to get fucked up. Well...I didn't even realize it until I called Shawn after I got done with work. But I thought to myself, I can do this. So I did. I met C at my parents. I just couldn't stay there anymore. They actually came home yesterday so I didn't have to. YAY! C and I went to my place, turned some music on and started studying. Well...sorta studying. I could not concentrate and was doing really poor. Shawn showed up, C and I finished up eventually. Shawn got all creative/depressed. So while C and I were on the balcony talking and creating metaphors for love, he was writing.

I started to get all depressed over everything so Shawn and I went to the smoking room. We sat there talking for a really long time before we smoked. I read what he wrote and I let him read something of mine. After he read it...he just turns to me and says "Kelly, you're so strong." He couldn't really explain why, I was just a strong person. Then while smoking, I commented about how we don't really know anything about each other from before we met each other. And I really didn't know anything. But then he started talking...He told me sooo much stuff, I feel like I know him so much better. We laughed, we cried, we laughed again. I don't know how long he talked, but it was a long time. We took a break to go get something to drink and ended up putting a movie in instead of coming back and letting me talk. Not a big deal...there is more time. My sister came over around 10:30 or something. We smoked some more...she left. C left, I took a shower and Shawn watched Legally Blonde. I went to bed and Shawn did after the movie.

I feel so stressed out. I need more clothes, I need to put gas in my car, I need to pay my car payment, I need to pay car insurance, I need to pay the electric, I need to pay for my phone...and my check was only $500. That is so weak. Oh my goodness, and the adverage amount of my check is going to go down too cause I'm getting insurance through work. Not cool. But there really isn't a lot I can do. If I get a second job after I get my bartender's liscense then I'll have more money, but I won't have any free time. Working two jobs sucks, I've done it before and I don't really like it. Unless I have a fun job and even then...it may be fun, but it's still work. I wouldn't be able to go to Madison as much. Which would suck. But eventually, if I like bartending more than i like working at this piece of shite, then I might move on. Make bartending my career. It all depends.

Thursday, June 12, 2003

In case you wondered....my dream car right now is a Jaguar S-Type...it's so beautiful I could cream my pants...if you could be so kind as to purchase one for me...I'd be ever so grateful. Just email me for directions on where you can drop it off. no_mas_3 at hotmail dot com thanks!

Wait a minute...I did explain how at the club I was supposed to try and see how Patrick was as far as one of my friends really wanted to sleep with him. So I was supposed to go and see if he had a boyfriend and if he just wanted to have fun for a night. I do this allllll the time! It gets really old. Anyway, I get over there and just start talking a little bit. Then I say "well, I got this friend who thinks you're really hot and just wants to know what's up with you." And I can't really hear his answer, at the time I thought it was "blah blah I'm pretty straight with Tim blah blah." Blah blah being words I couldn't really hear. So I sit and chat with them for a bit and eventually go tell my friend.

Later when I was talking to this friend, he said that he's seen Patrick around town but he always thought he was straight. Well, thinking about it, Patrick could have said, "I'm straight, I'm just here with Tim." Or some such thing...cause last I knew they were just best friends and Tim was sleeping ...ermm, I mean seeing Crusty...I'll have to find out what is going on cause if Patrick is straight...wow. Yay. And he did say he was my boyfriend...

In other amazing news, Levi actually called me. That's right and he was in town! It's amazing! So C and I met him, Crusty Monkey and Levi's sister and friend at McDonalds after I got done visiting Toast in jail. They're all moving in together in Madison so... yeah. I walked into McDonalds wearing this grey sweater with a collar shirt underneath and blue jeans when Levi starts talking about how cute I am. Then a little later I was talking with Crusty and he said he was talking to this girl we went to school with and they were talking about me. I don't really know her at all but...she said I was one of the prettiest girls she's seen, because of a natural beauty I have. And then I tried to argue it (because I don't really know the person she knows me through very well so she might not even be talking about me) when Crusty and Levi were talking about it they were both just totally inflating my ego. It was strange to be so complimented.

As we were hanging outside McDonalds just saying goodbye, I saw M and J going through the drive thru. I yell out M's name and he drives over to us. Levi, Crusty and the other two leave so C and I talk to M for a bit. J is on the phone. Eww I dated him? Anyway, I invite them over to look at my new house. Once there, we talk a little about stupid stuff. They take this huge stuffed turtle (from Finding Nemo) that D gave me and would not give it back. After trying to get it back, they finally make it outside and I get a little pissed off. But I finish cleaning up their fuckin mess, dump out their sodas and finally go downstairs. They were going to make the trade for the sodas but since I dumped them out...I think M finally got how annoyed I was in that I wanted to be at my parents house abusing their cable to watch South Park. So he finally gave me my turtle back. In the meantime a really hot delivery guy was walking by and said "Hello Ladies" to C and I. Yay. After M and J leave, we go searching for the guy. We meet him on the stairs and I say something about his shirt (I have the same one) and C asks about the music in his car. We've seen the guy before because we frequent the chineese restaurant he delivers for. We decided that we were in a mood for Chineese food today....

Tonight my oldest sister and her boyfriend are supposed to be coming over. They live like 2 hours away so it'll be nice to see her. It also means that I can sleep in my own bed tonight! You don't understand how happy I am about that. I miss my bed so much! At least my animals and I are getting along better. My dog isn't whining as much and my cat and I cuddled last night. But I miss my place.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

So Father's Day is on Sunday and C's birthday is on Monday. What the fuck am I going to buy? Pardon my language. C said she wants money...but that's no fun! So...I will be shopping. It's a good excuse to go shopping anyway.

So I don't know if I mentioned this, but I had a dream I got my tounge pierced. I was walking around this fair-type thing afterwards and everyone loved it. I told Shawn about it and now he wants me to go get my tounge pierced. I want to get my eyebrow pierce but am too chicken to follow thru because of the whole 'snag-on-something-get-ripped-out' theory. So my tounge would work...at least it wouldn't get ripped out. But it might chip my teeth and that whole deal. I've been asking everyone I see that has one if if hurts or not. Clearly, I am not a piercing type person, but damn...I wanna do something. Anyway, the plan is right now that because we both get paid on Thursday, we're going to go on Friday and he's going to get a tatoo. Scary scary..wait I already have a tatoo. Scary for him. Cause that does hurt, well for me it felt like someone was digging jagged glass down my back every 30 seconds or so...it wasn't unberable but still not the best feeling thing in the world.

So we went to the club last night. Well, first I picked up Crystal from the camp site cause she got into a fight with her sisters and she was going home. We went to my house...Shawn showed up first and two seconds after him C rang the bell. Shawn brought me cigarettes as a present and C brought me contact solution (I asked her to) and a mocha chiller! Yay for friends! We hung out at my house for a bit, Shawn and I smoked. We laughed a lot and Shawn wouldn't quit talking. He went on and on! It was so great. First it was a lecture on how Subway is a rip off, then it was about the weather. I laughed a lot during this time. Later tho, I got to explain to everyone how it wasn't the tar/nicotine in cigarettes that causes cancer. Nope, it's the fact that they use radioactive chemicals in their fertilizer/pesticides. So if they would only use something different...yeah...that's fuckin depressing.

Shawn and I drove to Madison together and Crystal rode with C. We met up with Crystal's friends at East Towne. She left, Shawn, C and I walked around a bit. I don't think I got anything. WAIT! I did too! I got a smaller notebook that has the Gleeful Dog on it and it says "have a nice day butthole". I like the Happy Bunny, but the dog was just too cute. Anyway, it's going in the smoking/quiet/boomboom/zen/computer/guest room. Wow...that was off on a tangent...anyway, we looked around, got bored, went to Joey's. I think that kinda pissed Levi off cause he wanted us to come see his new place. I was all for it, but wasn't driving. Not a lot I could do about it. But at Joey's, I walk in and immediately get dragged into the kitchen to do a shot. Yummy vanilla dr. Then Joey smokes me and Shawn up. Then I get dragged off for another shot. Then Joey smokes me and Shawn up again. Clay got home and was running around getting ready. C wouldn't let Shawn drive so we went in her car with Clay. Clay and I sat in front together again and just chatted a bit. Nothin too seriously, that just wouldn't do. But we made plans for this weekend (since we had already made plans with each other, but he forgot about 'em) He felt so bad, it was cute, but I didn't expect him to remember anyway. But we're supposed to hang out on Sunday. Maybe Saturday night. We'll see if it actually happens.

The club was fun. I was totally getting my freak on! Crusty Monkey and I had a ton of fun molesting...I mean dancing with each other. Wow tho. That was fun. And I got to booty dance with Shawn while the drag queens were putting their show on. Then with Clay, Patrick, Crusty...man, it was all about the booty dancing last night. It was so much fun! Normally, I put up a little resistance to getting totally freaky on the dance floor but this time...nope I was all about it. Plus, I had two boyfriends last night. Drunk Tyler, who was just Ty last night. He calls me Heather instead of my name. And C is Julia. Dunno why. We had a nice conversation last night about drugs. Well, not really nice, just informative. And Patrick is my other boyfriend (keep reading)

I saw my parents' friends' son there. His first time there. Yay for him. I made new friends (and booty danced with them). Welcome Tim and Patrick. Well, Tim I knew from a week or so before, but Patrick is new. And really fun. And really hot! He's got a body. Sometimes it really sucks to be a fruit fly/flame dame. Oh well, Patrick and Tim are supposed to call me sometime. Ty is going to come visit me sometime.

The drive home was awful! I wanted to stay awake to help keep C awake, but it just wasn't working! I was so tired! I would wake up, say something and then just crash. But C was really quiet. I'm not good at judging her moods. I don't know why, normally I can look at a person and be able to tell if something is wrong, but C has been hiding herself for a long time. Even if I ask if something is wrong and she says no, I still wonder.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Guess what, I figured it out and there is only 41 days until my 19th birthday. That's really strange. Cause most people have a hard time believing that I'm only 18. I do to sometimes. It's strange how isolated I feel from some people my age. They're still stuck in high school drama, I was over that after sophomore year. I feel old! And yet so young...blah.

So I'm sick. That's right. Sick...again. I'm all cough-y and have a killer headache...I think it's the pressure from the storm system or some such bullshit people tell you when you have a headache. Can't you ever just have a headache for no reason except your head hurts? It's always pressure, eyestrain, allergies...

So last night I saw a friend I haven't seen in a long time, Crystal. She's the one who I was friends with as a kid and then went to jail for a couple of years before straightening out? Well, that's ok if you don't remember her, I don't see her a lot. But she called me up and said she was in town camping and wanted to hang out. So I went out to the campground, we hung out at my house and then went and picked D up. We went to the tourist town nearby and walked up and down the strip. Only once. But it took for feckin ever! We actually stopped at a cigar shop and bought cigars! And I got a flavored cigarette. Yay! I forgot to get my cigar back from D...oh well. We smoked those for a bit, but eventually put them out...it was just too much! I realized that we only had about 5 minutes left on the meter, I was all for hurrying back to the car, but then I heard Sublime in one of the stores. I had to stop. Of course it was the skating shop, so I had to look around a bit. D bought a kick ass belt. I wanted it really bad, but ... I just got a belt in the mail yesterday (!). We got sno-cones and walked back to the car.

I dropped D off at her ex-boyfriends and Crystal off at her campsite, went to my place, took a shower, went to my parents place, washed some clothes, got online and then my sister called my cell phone. She talked to me for a long time...I kept trying to get off the phone with her so I could go to bed, but she wasn't havin it. Then I heard the doorbell ring. I freak out for a second. Turn the light on and there isn't anyone there, the whole time I'm narrating it to my sister. Then I think about it...she was driving when we were talking...then I heard the doorbell ring again and I listen closely and heard her running on the phone. That little bitch. So I just tell her to get her ass inside. We talk for a bit, chat with Levi and listen to music. I kick her out around 12. I try to go to bed, but the darn dog and stupid cat...oh well. I love that cat....just not when I'm trying to sleep. So then it storms and Spike (the dog) freaks out...I almost woke up for that...but not quite. Poor dog. Shit, I hope I closed my windows. Oh well.

Oh P called me yesterday...during lunch. Just to say hi and that she hasn't really slept at all since Friday night. Sucks for her. But that was nice. It sucks to be alone so much. Especially when you're used to being surrounded! It's nice to have time to myself...I just don't want too much time.

I do want gummi bears tho

Monday, June 09, 2003

While I was out to lunch today, I stopped at a red light and a white van pulls up next to me. Now I was jamming out to some And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead so when he said something to me, I had to turn the music down and ask him to repeat himself. So he looks at me and says "I lowered my Cholersterol today." That was it. I knew he was refering to one of those silly commercials so I just laughed and said Congrats.

I'm feeling a bit better. I was seriously nauseous all afternoon. But I had me some crackas for lunch. Thin crispy crunch! Nutty Wheat Taste? Quick what did I eat?

And in case you were wondering...Marcy Playground is still cool. And I'm not even listening to Sex and Candy either.

It's really hard. To be sober after a couple of days smokin and drinkin. All the sudden reality sinks in and the world isn't as pretty as it was. I was looking at a website...I don't remember what it was (Erowid.org), but it was describing what it was like to come down or suffer "withdrawls" and .... it was just strange. Cause I was reading it and experiencing it at the same time. And that made me really sad for some reason. Life does seem really dull and boring after being high and life just seems so great and funny.

Damn the power of the brain...I talked myself into withdrawls.

"Hey he's from Colorado Territory...he could lead us to Breckenridge"
Aw aw awwww....

So I don't want to be at work today. I've been feeling strange all week in fact. Today I just feel strange and sick too.

Friday Shawn and C came over. P was getting ready to leave for drill. C and I left Shawn and P because they were boring. Not really, it's just that my dad promised a fish fry dinner, so we were all ready for that. While at my parents we decided that we wanted to play a special drinking game that night.

Drinking Game: It's called (originally enough) Dude. Supplies: The movie Baseketball by Matt Stone and Trey Parker and a whole lotta beer/malted beverages. If you play with shots, you'll prolly die. All you do is watch the movie and everytime someone says Dude, you have to take a drink. It's great.

Anyway, after eating we ran back to my place to pick up P so she could get us some booze. Shawn and her left! Didn't leave a note or anything. So we went to Walmart by ourselves because we didn't have any munchies, so C hooked us up. Thanks a ton! Now we have oreos, animal crackers, ice cream and cookies and other stuff too...anyway, we heard someone yell my name while in Wallyworld, but didn't see anyone. As we're checking out someone behind me says "hey Kelly" I turn around and it's this girl I used to work at the waterpark with. She prego! Wow. Anyway, she says P just came thru her line about 20 seconds ago. DAMN!

It takes awhile we finally get a 12 pack of Triple Black. Yum. We smoke and then we play the game...well most of it. I think I talked on the phone with SD. Man oh man, he's funny. Finally, it was 11:30 and everyone either needed to wake up early and Shawn needed to work. So we went to bed.

Saturday - Woke up at 6. Drove to Milwaukee. Had class with .... Larry. *sigh* Well, he threw ice in my face and then was going to pour water in my hat. Meanie. I don't even remember why. We did speed drills, where we had to make 6 drinks in 5 minutes. I did it!! I was in the first group up and the only one who completed all the drinks. I feel special. I got to sit one out and watch, but had to do it again. This time I didn't quite get finished because I couldn't find the feckin Peach Schnapps bottle.

After we got back, C and I finished the rest of the movie. She left and I smoked alone. Yesh that's right...alone. I've never really done that before and wanted to try it out. It was fun. I spent a long time writing in my book. Well...like 20 minutes. That's a lot. I feel asleep around 9.

Sunday - Woke up at 5. And 6. And 7. And finally called my parents around 8. They were getting ready to leave, but my dad wanted to take me out for breakfast. So I got dressed, went over there and watched tv while they got ready. I miss tv. It's so great when there isn't anything to do. We ate, they left, I got online and downloaded music at their house. Shawn called and told me to get my butt to his house. I stalled for a bit and then said I needed to shower and I'd be over. Went back to my house, showered and was getting pretty when D called. She broke up with her boyfriend that she had, moved back into her parents house and already had a new boyfriend (we'll call him...Fence). Someone I met at the same time she did, worked with at the waterpark and just knew in general. Well, they're both into role playing games so they spent a lot of time together at the gaming den. D and I made plans to go see Finding Nemo (she hadn't seen it and I didn't mind seeing it again).

I went to Shawn's...we smoked. We sang and busted out some moves. Well, he's been wanting to teach me some dance moves, but he dances when he's high and I don't. I sit. But I got up and he made up some square dance-y type thingy. It was pretty cool...a little strange, but I'm still learning so he had to keep it easy for me. We stopped and listened to music. He's always after me to sing my little heart out...everytime a good song comes on he's like "I wanna hear you Kelly! Sing it gurl!" I never know the words and can't sing that particular song. This time tho, he put on "Why'd you lie to me?" and I just sang. I love that song. So he started geekin out cause not only did I dance with him, I was actually singing too. C called and said she had a cell phone now and I invited her to come over. (Not just because she had a cell phone). She said yeah so Shawn and I waited. And waited. And waited. I didn't look at the clock at all so time just seemed to be flying by. You know how it goes. We danced some more and sang and talked...good times...but she still wasn't there. We went outside and I realized Shawn had locked the door after I got there. Which means if C had already come over, she wouldn't be able to get in and we had the music so loud we prolly wouldn't hear her. I called her house 40 minutes later (I think) and her mom said she had left about 5 or 10 minutes ago. Big sigh of relief. Shawn unlocked the door and we passed out on the bed. I tried to take a picture of us, but I dunno if it'll turn out. C came over and woke us up. Well, I don't think either of us were really sleeping. Oh well.

C and I left Shawn's. And went to McDonalds. Yummy and Yucky at the same time. Strange. On the drive home I was just totally singing my little heart out and dancing like a mad woman. You can dance in a car...it's possible. It was great fun. I got all sorts of strange looks from other interstate drivers. YAY! I called D and said I would pick her up on my way back into town. She said she could meet us, it doesn't make sense, but I was going to pick her up anyway even tho she had a ride. Oh so she could see my apartment. Well, I stopped by to get her, but she wasn't ready. Since I had to stop at my parents anyway, Fence said they would meet us there.

I went to my parents, fed the dog and cats and went back outside. There they were! On time. What? Oh well, so I took them out to my apartment. We sat around. C and D finished some half empty bottles from Friday night. Fence decided that he wasn't going to the movie, he was going to go play D&D. Right....whatever. So C, D and I went to the movie. It was funny. I laughed a lot. Then while I'm walking out I hear someone say "psssss" and I look at there's jonk with his girlfriend. I say whoa, hi and then get pushed and have to walk away. That sucked, now I'm going to feel a little more guity if something does happen with jonk and me. Well, not really. It's his fault. Does that make me a bad person?

I had a dream last night, where Fence and I were talking. He was really listening to me and became a really good friend in an instant. That's all I remember. Don't tell anyone, but I used to be kinda curious about Fence. I didn't quite have a crush on him (well, maybe a little one) but was interested in hanging out more often with him. It just never happened for some reason or another. And I'm not alone in the whole "interested" thing either. Someone, no names, also told me she had a crush on him at one time. Funny.

Saturday, June 07, 2003

One of the strangest complements I have ever received:

Him: "Please don't sing."
Me: "Why not? Is it that bad?"
Him: "No, it's so beautiful that it puts me to sleep."

I couldn't decide if that was a good thing or not. lol

Crumpets and Breckenridge beer. ;)

Friday, June 06, 2003

Ahhh it did it again! WHY?

Holy shit...I thought I had lost everything! I was so scared! But it's ok. We're all.....ok.

I just printed out my entire online journal. Wow, that's a lotta paper. But I'm at work so it didn't cost me anything! Shhhh!

My mom and P came and picked me up for lunch. P and I are just so funny if I do say so myself (and I do). No one really gets us totally. Cause we're always quoting or making stuff up and most people can't tell the difference. I'm lovin it!

What I'm not lovin' is Shawn calling me up telling me he's coming over and that we're going to smoke. Even if he has to buy it from me. That kinda ticked me off, cause I don't want to sell my shit and I don't want to smoke tonight. I have way to much to do. But I know that I'll sacrifice a bowl in the name of friendship. It just kinda pisses me off that he demanded that we smoke cause "he needs it". Whatever. So tell everyone I said high tonight for me.

Hmmm, not a whole lot new. I ate with my family last night, Shawn stood me up, I turned down a chance to get baked. All in all, a boring night. It was cool to see my parents tho.

I lied about my book, it's not Brittish slang, it's Scottish...I think. But it's still hard as fuck! I over half way done with it...after that, I move on to the sequel, Porno. You should have seen the look the lady at the book store gave me when I told her the name of it. It made me smile. It's fun when people think you're dirty.

Thursday, June 05, 2003

So....my life has just died. I thought that since I had my own place I would have a ton of people over...not so much. If anything, there are less people over cause no one knows where I live! It's kinda nice, but...yeah.

I was sitting on my couch reading my awesome new book last night and my phone rings, I answer it and who should it be but Toast's mother. She said that all the paperwork had been completed and I could go see Toast in jail...that night...in an hour. Ok! P and C arrive in the meantime and they put some grocceries away (FOOD YAY!) and did whatever. I left.

Jail is the most depressing thing I've ever witnessed in my life. I'm writing about it so maybe I'll post that later. Then again maybe not. I never have any confidence in what I write. Anyway, I saw Toast. That was great. I didn't really know what to talk about. I told him about my new place and hideous furniture, my job and getting high. We had a conversation about a friend who is prego and it's just scary. There was some memories shared. I dunno, I had a hard time looking at him in the eye while talking on the phone thru glass. I just felt a little weird about the whole thing. I could see him tap the table, I felt him in the table, but the only way I heard it was thru the phone. It was all just a little off. And I'm such a damn flirt! I said something about never having done this before and that Toast was my first. Yeah, I think I blushed after I realized what I said and he laughed. Then later, he said something "just wasn't right" and I chimed in with "yeah, like chickens eating breakfast." He laughed and laughed and it made no sense at all. Maybe he forgot how strange I was. I don't blame him or anything.

He said I was the only one who ever wrote him back consistantly and that I was the only one responsible enough to come see him every week. Well, I felt special for a little while and then thought that everyone should be writing him back, they call him their friend don't they? And damn it! If I'm so responsible and all that, why was I the third person to get chosen as designated visitor? Seriously folks. I'm not going to make a big deal outta it tho.

It is a little strange. He's the second friend of mine to be in jail. The other was a girl that was my best friend from 2nd grade thru 4th grade. We didn't really keep in contact when I moved to Colorado and when I moved back (4-5 years later) I only talked to her a couple of times. She came up to visit once or twice. But she went to jail for battery/assult or something and while in there, I was one of the only people to actually write her. Because of that she now knows that I'm a "true friend" and we hung out even more. I've been trying to get her to come visit me but that's not going to well. She'll call and say she'll be up, but then won't show when I'm expecting her. No big deal tho.

Oh well, moral of the story is I'm a good friend to have while you're in jail.

So the book I got that I just want to read so badly...Trainspotting. My boss told me a while ago to see the movie, but I haven't had time or money to go to the rental place. So instead I find out it's a book and spend $23 on that. It's all good tho cause I need a book to read. I haven't really been reading a lot cause I haven't found one that sucked me in. Well this one sorta did. I'm not that far into it but I'm interested in what is going to happen next. It's all about junkies and is writen in Brittish slang. So it's a little hard to understand at first. But I'm all about it! If I end up not liking it, I'm screwed because I already bought the sequel.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

KASEY! Long time hun, we need to get together sometime and just sip tea and chat.

Last night...boring! But still fun. I stopped at my parents and picked up my mom. We stopped off at my place. P and C were already gone. And by the looks of it, not much had been done to the apartment. So I was ticked. We still didn't have any food or, well, pretty much anything. So my mother and I went to Walmart. I got some food and shower curtain rings so we aren't making a mess when we shower now. Shawn called while I was there and told me he was on his way over.

I met up with him at my place. I did dishes while he moved furniture and picked up P's crap in the living room. Then we sat there for a bit, talking a little, but mostly just looking around and sighing. We suggested a few things to do, I said something about getting high, but we might still be bored after we do that anyway. We had to give it a try and see tho. I packed that muthafuckin bowl so it lasted forever! We weren't bored. We were entertained by The Emperor's New Groove. Oh it's so fuckin funny. I ate sooo much! Well, not really. This was my dinner: a bagel with cream cheese, three banana muffins, one with cream cheese and two cups of cheap lemonlime juice. I like cream cheese, but oh my gosh I was sooo full. I thought I was going to die. He started watching SLC Punk and I took a shower (with my new shower curtain up), we finished the bowl and went to bed. Shawn and I cuddled pretty much the whole night. It was so cute!

Clay called and we talked a little bit. He might be coming over this weekend. Oh wow, that would be cool. I rarely get to hang out with him. I'm going to call him tonight and see if he'll stay over on Saturday. If we wanted we could go to the strip and hang out and then go back to my house and do whatever. How much fun would that be? A lot. I miss Clay! He actually said "I love you" before he hung up last night. I'm not used to that from him. I mean Levi, Shawn, Jacob and sometimes Crusty Monkey say that, but it's just not something I'm used to hearing from other people. But I said it back, because he is the nicest, sweetest, most fun guy! He really cares. Oh I could go on and on about him.

Hehehe jonk was in here at lunch (remember jonk, if not look in the November archives). I told him about my new place and he mentioned that I can bring guys home now. I agreed and said it was pretty cool. Sometime when we get the place fixed up a bit...maybe next week, I think I might invite him over. He might be good for some fun. He did know how to kiss. I haven't heard anything about his girlfriend lately, but I really don't care. Am I a bad person? I don't even care.

Hi, all, hows it been? It's been quite Coloradoy here. Just wanted to let you know that I have begun to post part of a shortish story I'm writing at http://sillylittleone.blogspot.com/ if ya'll are interested. Luv ya, gotta run, it my bedtime.

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Me: Do you think I need professional help?
P: For what?
Me: Depression
P: Yes
Me: Oh...how?
P: Well, not pills or anything cause those will fuck you up (shares story). But I think talking to a therapist or anyone removed from the situation would really help you.
Me: Oh

So last night I drove past my parents house and thought about stopping...there were some things I still need to pick up (a lot of stuff I still need to pick up) but instead drove home...and whose truck should that be in my parking lot, my parents'. They brought over our furniture...our ugly, ugly furniture. At least we have places to sit...but P's mom also came over yesterday and brought a shit-ton of P's stuff. So we have stuff all over our apartment...I really hope she cleans some of it up today. And tonight, I'm going to run home, see if she picked up any grocceries and then run to the store. We have nothing!

Oh but my sister and her boyfriend rock! They came over last night and gave us some house warming gifts. A pizza pan, a pizza cutter and a big chopping board. Plus a card and a baggie. Yay! They proceeded to smoke Shawn, P and I up. Nice nice real nice. Ok I thought I was going to throw up once. We had a steamroller and holy fuck did that hurt. But it was fun to watch. I became comatose after awhile.

My sister and her boyfriend left so Shawn, P and I watched Veggie Tales. Rack, Shack and Benny. I love that so very very much. It's all about standing up to peer pressure. I took a bath/shower and then went to bed.

Shawn and I are supposed to be hanging out tonight. He still really wants to see Matt, but he knows he made plans with me first. I just don't see why I shouldn't go to the club if Matt comes and hangs out. I really like Matt, he's a cool dude, but Shawn made plans with me. I'm going to try and not be petty about it, but I would still be disapointed if Shawn decides to blow me off tonight. But then again, maybe I won't go to the club either. I'm kinda tired, so perhaps I should just hang out alone tonight. Or with my parents...nah, I know I'm going to be with Shawn. All I know is I'm not too sad about missing the club. I just want to dance and I can do that at my house...and I do.

Monday, June 02, 2003

Time changes things. Like friendship. It evolves. It could start out where you meet someone, start talking to them more, move to hanging out and eventually become best friends and move in together. You might possibly go to school with someone and become friends over a mutal interest in Steven King, but wait a year or two before becoming close. It's possible that you might meet someone through friends, but think that they're too cool/different to hang out with you, but then they do and they think you're the coolest person they've ever met. Sometimes, someone might just be introduced to you, pull off off to the side and trust you with a secret and after that continue telling you everything. You might become friends with someone, fall in love with them, but keep quiet about it for fear of ruining the friendship, not just between the two of you, but others who would be hurt. You might start out hating a person, then something happens and all the sudden the two of you are "brother and sister". Or you meet someone and it's instant friendship, but it only lasts a week or two before they stop calling so you wonder about what you did feel. Then there is the friendship where when you first meet you think that person must be "special" so you're nice to them, but realize that they're just dorks but are already stuck when them.

Friday - After work, P, Kasey and I went to the thrift store to look at furniture. P and I both like ugly stuff, but we took it to a whole new extreme with what we bought. Icky. I got a couch. It looks pretty good. It's kinda gold and nice. I also got a bar table. That is way uber cool. P got three chairs. Ugly as ugly can be. Wow. We'll have to see how this turns out. My sister might give me her coffee table so we don't really have to get that.

So the plan was to stay at Christians right? Well, things don't always go to plan. P, C, Kasey and I all drove to Madison together. We met up with my parents at Fazoli's. Yum, except I bit my tounge really really hard and was spitting blood for a little while. Anyway, after dinner I had to stay goodbye to Kasey. I really didn't want to, but I did. I managed to not cry until I was in the car and even then it was a little sniffle or two. I know, I'm a baby. So we go over to Levi's and hang out there for a bit. I got to discuss with a drunk Greg why he doesn't like women. And learned that he doesn't really like us, but just tolerates us...because we're female. I also met Levi's new roommate Saukie. He's pretty cool.

We talk to Christian on the phone and he said he was at the club (he couldn't remember his address or directions on how to get there...he had been drinking...quite a bit). So we were going to meet him there. We drive on over (this is at 11:00 or so) and he's not there and his phone is turned off. So I called Levi to ask him Clay's number (by the way, my phone wasn't working and I had to borrow my dad's). Levi tells me we can just stay at his house, but he's leaving and will be back later. So we drive back (11:45). Saukie opens the liquor cabinet and tells me to make a drink for him. So I do. First off, a Grateful Dead. Which is like a long island ice tea, but instead of coke use Chambord. It doesn't sound good, but it rocks!! Then I made a couple others involving oj and Tropical punch schnapps. yum. I didn't get to drink a whole lot cause I was driving on Saturday, but everyone else enjoyed their drinks. Yay. I got to talk to Levi a little bit. I was laying in his bed and he came and laid with me. Oh well, I went to bed at 2:30. I woke up with a yell from the most horrible dream at 3:40. I could hear them in the other room so I almost went out there, but didn't. Oh well. Went back to sleep.

Saturday - Woke up at 6. Ate at McDonald's. Drove to Milwaukee. Class was fun. There were a lot more guys this time. YAY! But also more girls, it was a big class. We learned two liquor drinks, shooters and exotics. But ponytail Bob told us lots of stories.

The drive home was horrible! I mean, I would have had a ton of fun, but I was so falling asleep. P and I talked and sang a lot. I'm very grateful she talked to me. Even tho we would be talking about nothing (we were repeating ourselves and talking about the dumbest stuff), the act was keeping me awake. Plus Shawn called and said something that pissed me off. We were supposed to hang out on Tuesday, just the two of us, but Matt called him and Shawn invited him to hang out with us. I like Matt, don't get me wrong, but Shawn would have freaked out if I invited someone to hang out with us, if it was supposed to be just the two of us. Anyway, he said I was being bitchy, which pissed me off even more. So we hung up. He called later and talked to P, which annoyed me cause I was really falling asleep.

Back at my house, I read something Kasey left me and started to cry. I miss hanging out with her soo much! Once I started I couldn't really stop. I've been so nervous about the move, missing my parents, going totally broke, Shawn was mad (Even tho I had a right to be a little annoyed, I'm way too sensitive) and just stress was just totally piling up. I felt a bit better after that. P was still on the phone with Shawn, so while she did something I talked to him and I cried some more while we talked.

P and I started watching Hunchback, but then both fell asleep. Well, I crawled to my bed and feel asleep first. She joined me later. I woke up at 8:30 or something and said we had better get up if we were going to see Crusty Monkey as planned. So I called C, she came over and drove us to the restaurant Crusty works at. P and I got some interesting drinks. Mine was medori and pineapple juice (and something else I'm sure cause it was yellow and medori is green). Pelot got a blue something and didn't like it. I drank at least 3/4 of mine and she had about 1/2 of hers and she switched them. After enjoying those, I got a cherry cheesecake (vanilla schnapps and cranberry juice) and she got a triple black. People had sips of mine, but mostly I drank it. We were going to leave so P had me help her drink her triple black. Crusty helped a bit too. He finished up with whatever and left with us. C and P went to Kitchen. Crusty and I went to his house. He changed and we talked a bit. What happens when you mix Diet Vanilla Coke with Vodka. A really gross drink. But at least it matched his outfit. We met up with this guy, Tim, at Kitchen. He was cool beans man. He walked with me to the gas station to get Crusty some cigarettes and there was this guy who was wide eyed and twitching. He was a kinda mean to me. But the rest of the night, anytime I looked over at Tim, he would twitch and I would laugh histerically. It got so I would look at him and just start laughing. The rest of the people in our group didn't get it until after the third or fourth time when he finally explained it. After Kitchen, us girls went home and went to bed.

Sunday - Woke up at 10:30 when my sister came over. We woke P up. All of us sat talking for a bit. She left at 11:30 and I started packing. We moved half my clothes (that is a lot of clothes), my bed, my nightstand, stereo and some kitchen stuff. I was going to get my dresser yesterday, but was too tired. We stopped around 3:30. P and I just laid in one corner of our living room and stared at all the space we have. We smoked out on the balcony. We danced in the kitchen...it was just a blast. I took a shower and made a mess (we don't have a shower curtain yet). While P took a bath, I took a nap. Then we got hungry and called my parents. We went over there. Then ran to the dollar store to see Levi's sister about getting us some stuff for the apartment. We made a list and she said she would do her best. YAY! That would be a ton of stuff we could get for free! It makes me smile to think of it. I love getting stuff for free.

We ate dinner, sat around for a while and then left to see a movie. Good good movie. Finding Nemo. Everything in it was hil-Larious! I highly recommend this movie...first sober, then high. I laughed so hard. P and I were prolly the loudest in there (not that that is new). Oh my gosh. Such a good movie.

P and I stayed at our new apartment last night. It was great fun.

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