meet me in outerspace

I'm very angry. I can't even enjoy certain music without getting pissed off and thinking of how much E screwed me over. He stole so much from me and cause damage. Mental, emotional but never physical. He stole a lot of my life away. In less than a month. It's scary how much I was willing to give up. No one knows how much I think about him. Not that it's all that much. It's just hellish. I don't want to think too much about this right now. But I really want to be able to listen to Norah Jones without cussing.

So... I have to work my magic today. I only sold $160 last night for that Partylite thing and damn...I need $40 to qualify for my consultant. So we'll see what happens as I walk around the workplace trying to get orders on the sly. So today, on top of being 18 minutes late, I'm going to be doing personal business. I suck.

I got my movies last night. I really really really want to watch them. But...can't. I have to watch all these Johnny Depp movies P and C rented before they go back. Well, at least Blow. No time tonight tho. I have to shop with Shawn and then go dance on the square with the steel drums that are going to be played. That's right. But it's not 'til after 9 so I guess there is time for something...I don't know. Oh a coworker was going to come over and play some xbox with me. What nerds!

My brain feels so dull today. Like I know exactly what I need to do, it just takes me forever to either do it or say it. I blame myself.

Tonight! Steeldrums on the square! Next week: Salsa Dancing!

If this really happens...I'm really going to be pissed off. I wish I was old enough to vote last election. Not that one vote could have really changed anything, but fuck Bush. I don't like him.

staying awake today is going to be a problem. last night, although I didn't do much, I'm fuckin tired. C and P were gone when I got home. I even brought dinner :( So I ate alone and then watched Two Weeks Notice alone. Aww. Remember that guy who I gave my number to after the Evanescence concert? Yeah, me either...but he's calling and sending text messages my way.

Shawn called to see if I was going to the club and he eventually talked me into it. I wasn't going to go, but I was bored and I had no idea where P and C were. Anyway, I went over to his house, smoked and then P and C call. They rented a bunch of Johnny Depp movies and had popcorn and everything. We went to the club. Damn girl. I got to see my homies in the hizzie. Good times.

We left at 1. Good for us! Shawn promised he would so I would get home a little early. I passed out on the way to his house. I have to drive from his house to mine and that sucked a lot too. But thankfully my lovely incubus kept me safe. Thank you incubus.

Ok. I am so not cool with this. Beware...it's a little graphic.

Hey all. How goes it with you? I guess in my obsession about talking about myself...I forgot to inquire as to how y'all are doing. So...how are you?

I hate it when people ask how you're doing and then launch into a five minute speech about everything that's going wrong with their life. Don't get me wrong, I would listen to them if they just came up to me and said they needed to vent...but to pretend that they actually care about me before doing so? When clearly, at that momenty, they do not care due to the other overwhelming stresses in their life. And I'm not doing that here...it's just the whole blog thing makes it a little difficult for instant feedback if I have yet to publish this post.

So last night I watched a movie. Yup a movie. The Life of David Gale. I missed the first bit. But damn. I cried. C and P watched it with me and didn't seem to have a problem, but I cried... a lot. It just awoke a lot of issues for me. I can't say too much about the direct thoughts from the movie, cause that would totally give away the ending. But it also brought up some un-direct thoughts.

My uncles fiancee was murdered when I was a kid. She was stabbed 26 times. They never found the weapon. It remains unsolved to this day. My uncle was a suspect, but because he was with my parents it wasn't him. I don't know why but I've been thinking about this since last night. If her murderer was ever discovered, I wonder what would happen to him/her.

In other news, the two guys from work have yet to say a word to me. Which makes me a little sad. A kiss is just a kiss and damn. It's no reason to get all embarassed and never speak to me again. So you acted like an ass, it's not like it's never happened before, just talk to me and all will be forgiven. At the same time, however, I'm not going to approach them either.

I can't wait.... I ordered these movies and really want to have them in my greedy little hands soon. What can I say? I'm a sucker for strange movies. Any suggestions?

Also, I'm having a Partylite thingy tomorrow, so if anyone wants to order something...give me money and I'd be happy to place an order for ya. Or better yet, book a show. Just let me know when and where and all that jazz and I'll hook ya up. It would be very helpful to me and my friend who is also the consultant. Ok, I'll stop selling you stuff now.

What happened to Zach?

Ok fuck. what a shitty long weekend. well, not really shitty. just...long long long. and just to get it out of the way, I did go home with a coworker on Friday, but nothing really happened. well, really anyway.

Friday - it was the summer party. P and I drank quite a bit, depending on Shawn to come pick us up. So...we were both really trashed by the time he did show up. At the party, many things happened. We swam, got covered in shaving cream, hit on by lots of guys and basically just acted like the crazy chicks we are. that's laughable.

We all hung out at work a bit...I broke up a fight using my marvelous bartending skills. Wowo. I was the girl who was shorter than all the guys pushing everyone around. It was fun. I also almost passed out while making out with jonk in the back office. Hmmm, I don't feel too bad about it, except he might think I'm bad at kissing when I am actually really awesome. When I'm awake. So in another way, I don't feel bad at all that he was taking advantage of me in my drunken state. what the hell, I would have kissed him anyway.

We went back outside and another coworker invited P, me and Shawn over to his house. I've mentioned him before but I don't remember what name I gave him so we'll just call him bob. Over at bob's house, I end up making out with him too. He requested that we "make love on the floor" but I declined the offer and instead went back upstairs with the others. jonk was all over P this entire time. They kept switching on us. bob would go over to P, jonk would come over to me. I was not about that. Eventually, Shawn, P and I went to my sister's to hang out with her fiancee since she was going to work. I had one triple black and smoked and totally passed out. They woke me up, shoved two cases of triple black in my arms plus a big big bottle of menthomint Dr and showed me the door.

Saturday - Damn, I woke up at...6:30 and let C in. Then I happily passed out again. I woke up again at 11:30. C called and asked if we were coming over for lunch. I jumped up and took a shower. Then I shook P awake and sent her to the shower. Shawn was on the couch and he came with. It was so great! There was so much food and it was good and yummy and we had interesting conversation. Just...a swell time. After eating, Shawn and I played chess. It was my first time playing and I think I enjoy it. I won my first game, but lost the second one...

We went back to my house and sat around. P and Shawn both passed out. I got bored so I left. I went on a drive then to K-mart. I wanted to pick up a tool cd, but they didn't have the one I wanted. I was a little depressed and pissed off. I don't want to get into the reason now...

I got back home and the two were up. Stephy came over and we had a drink. Ahhh, when will I learn? We wanted to go to Perkins. So I stopped drinking for an hour before we left. Sober. Yes. Good keol. We took a six pack anyway. This make me sound so unladylike but if you saw me on Sat, I wasn't acting ladylike anyway. We got hit on by a couple of guys...nothing major but we were complaining that we hadn't picked anyone up. Magically a guy appears and starts talking to us. See, P and I were dressed damn near identical. Just for the hell of it, and many conversations were started as a result. So anyway, this guy runs his brother home and then comes back...we didn't ask him to, so when we still had conversations in which he didn't understand...now we didn't ignore him. Not in the slightest. I think he just got pissed off he couldn't follow the conversation. After an hour, P made a joke about how interesting it was that he drove all the way back to listen to us talk about really stupid stuff. He said, "yes, and now I know I'll never do it again." then he got up and walked out. We were all kinda stunned. But oh well.

Oh my gosh. F-meow walks in. P and Stephy went ... somewhere. I don't really know where still... We talk a bit. Well, he talks. He mentions both my recent exboyfriends and I swear is trying to get me to cry or something but then he goes and askes me out. What? I escape without answering. P and I drive home and talk...a lot. I was passing out at Perkins, seeing how it was 4:30 in the morning, but suddenly I was as awake as I wanted to be. So I called Shawn at work and asked if he wanted us to come visit him with some fleckner-fleckner. He said (and I quote) HELL YES! So we drove the 25 minutes to his place of work, waited for him to go on break, smoked in his car and drove home. I felt completely sober. Seriously, P was talking about how fucked up she was (she drank a lot more than me...a lot...more) and I was a-ok. We got home around 6:15 am Sunday morning. I passed out until 8:30 when I let Shawn in. Then I laid back in bed and passed out again.

Sunday - I got up at 1:30 and called my parents. They were in Madison and invited me to meet them at Sam's Club. So I jumped up, put clothes on and went. Once there, I bought a tv. A beautiful 32 inch tv. I also ate half a hot dog and almost lost it all... At home, I cleaned a bit. My parents came over and set up my tv. Well, really they just brought it and the stand over. Not that I'm complaining. Anyway, Shawn was all about arranging the furniture. Just because he's gay doesn't mean he's an interior designer. We eventually figured out something that worked for everyone. and it's beautiful. Then Shawn passed out, P and I did dishes and cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom. Yay. It was beautiful. So we watched a movie...SUPERSTAR!

P left for her hometown. Shawn and I laid on the couch. Sat outside. Sat in the smoking room. Sat outside. Laid on the couch. He said we are going to get married. I don't know how well that would work out but...what the hell...why not? Like it'll happen anyway. Hahahaha, I can totally picture us going to vegas. He left for work, I passed out.

Here I am. Monday morning. Wishing to be anywhere else but here. Oh well huh? At least I got a tan on Friday. Too bad I prolly also picked up another reputation. Ummm, oh well. It's not like they don't say it anyway. I get a lot of crap because I'm the youngest and still partying. I'M 19 FUCKING YEARS OLD! I'm supposed to party.

I just want everyone to know that I am fuck3d up...and am going home iwth a coworker...not good. P is with me and just as fucked up...this is really hard to do...dam...damn....no....not happening. yesp it is. i have to pee. I'm really fucked up. fucked ed. up.

UPDATE: Does it seem wrong to you that it's only 10:50 in the morning but I'm already being offered many, many drinks? I mean, I've had a taste of a bloody mary and I'm thinking that the Bailey's is looking really good...

This is why I like Dave-
Text message from Dave: sorry I haven't been very responsive lately. I've been real busy.
me: It's all good. I stopped expecting it from everyone, so when you do reply, it makes u that much cooler.
Dave: excellent answer. thats very considerate of you.
me: thanks. party at my house tomorrow. r u comming? nothing big, but should be fun.
Dave: I work late tomorrow. (there's a big surprise LOL) I do want to visit before summers end though.
me: anytime, just let me know.
Dave: INDEED. without a doubt. I will talk to you later. ciao gotta go.

Which I guess really isn't a reason to like him, but damn. I can't wait for him to visit.

So today is the summer party at work. I'm not really looking forward to it. In fact, you might say I'm dreading it. Why you ask? Well, because last year I made the classic mistake of taking someone home. Well, nothing happened. Not really anyway, he was really persistant, but it wasn't happening. He took it a bit farther than I wanted to go. I was not happy. Anyway, I hated the guy after that and everyone at work thought we fucked. I am still really not happy with that considering I still get shit. Icky. So I have Shawn picking me up after work so that I can't really take anyone home with me. Unless I REALLY want someone to come over and then I'd drive...we depending on if I drink or not. Which I prolly will. I don't know.

I miss working at hardee's. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I miss Jerry. I miss Mary. I miss my boss. I miss a lot of people. All the sudden they're gone. Not fair!

Anyway, my sister's boyfriend/fiancee came over last night while she was bike riding with my parents. P and I entertained him in the smoking room until my sister got there with The Family Guy on dvd. Yay for that. I love that show and will never in my life understand it all. Oh well. That's all that really happened last night.

It's been really hard lately. With Dan, My Sister, Beppo... It's been really hard to stay positive.

But I think I'm doing better. Dan...well... It's getting easier. And I hate that. I feel so bad for just getting over the fact that he's gone. Sometimes, I feel like I'm heartless for just moving on and continuing with life as normal. But what else is there to do? I can't mourn him forever. My sister isn't going to die quite yet. She doesn't even have cancer. But she's still sick. And Beppo? Well, outta sight outta mind. Almost. It still sucks but I'm adjusting to that as well. What else can I do?

I have a really hard time dealing with change. If things are a certain way and I enjoy them, I don't like it being any different. A lot of times, even if I'm not happy, it takes me awhile to change something just because I'm used to it already. It throws off my groove if something is different. I think I did something wrong, so we're going to try it a different way until I get it right.

(this is a long ass post and I'm really tired so I'm sorry if it doesn't make any sense)

Tuesday was great. After work, I went home and took a bath. So, so nice. Then P and I got all purdy and drove on over to Shawn's. He walked outside wearing a tuxedo and carring a teddy bear for me. I was totally stunned. Plus, he made us dinner with dessert. I was hella excited.

We left for Madison around...I don't know. But we hung out at Matt and Joey's for a bit before we left for the club. We went inside for a bit and talked with everyone. Then we decided we wanted to smoke. My stuff was in the car, so we all (Shawn, P and myself) went outside and sat in the car (cause there were a shit-ton of people who would pounce on us if we took that in there. However, we couldn't ignore the host. I called Joey up.
Joey: Shit girl, aren't you just outside?
Me: Umm, yeah.
Joey: Well, what the hell you calling me for?
Me: well, we need you out here.
Joey: I'll be right there.
He comes skipping out without even questioning why I wanted him out there. We hung out a bit longer, I had a shot or two, and then we left for the club. I was thinking about it, and I don't really remember anything that happened early in the night there. I wore my tiara and everyone loved it. A drag queen with which I've never spoken of said that he would do me if he was straight. 5 people called me pretty, 5 strangers. I'm not arrogant I promise. It's just before this year, I was never told things like this. CB bought me a flashy-light-thingy and I got a free glowy sticker thing that said Happy Birthday. The dj said happy birthday to me during a great song. I dunno.

I got to hang out with so many people I don't get to see. Tim, Patrick, CB, Crusty Monkey... Crusty and I had a great time dancing together. It was fun. We came pretty close to making out. We're dirty.

I even met some new people. Eric who I met thru Tim and Patrick and I should be seeing again (I finally have Tim's number!) And I met Sean. He's such a cutie. He was dancing on a box, complete stranger to me (a hot stranger tho) and he just leaned down and started a conversation with me.
Sean: Hey girl, I love your tiara, it's so cute and if it wasn't I'd tell you.
Me: Oh, thank you so much!
Sean: Why do you have a tiara by the way?
Me: It was my birthday on Monday and we're still partying for it.
Sean: Oh my gosh! Give me a hug, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: Thanks a lot, that's really nice of you.
Sean: Wow, you're really pretty and you know I'm telling the truth, cause if you weren't, I'd tell you 'cause I'm a fag.
Me: How sweet is that? Thank you.
Sean: Now give me a little kiss and get back to dancing.
So I did. I thought that was extremely cool of him. Then later I saw him again and we convinced Clay and Derrick that we had known each other for years, yeah we go way back...Back in the DAY.

The afterbar was fucked up. Clay was upstairs in his room watching Buffy. I wanted to smoke him up cause I love Clay to pieces. Reeses Pieces. So I called him on my phone, he came downstairs into Joey's room, but people kept walking in! It was supposed to be P, Shawn, Clay, Joey and myself. It ended up being P, Shawn, Clay, Joey, LaValle, Josiah, Ryan and Crusty. I got one hit off it. I was bitter. But then I just didn't care and took another shot.

I went upstairs and talked to Too-Tall. He's doing pretty good, he's keeping me updated on the whole situation. Right in the middle of our conversation, someone walked in without pants on. Now, although it's been said that people often lose their pants while drunk, I've never actually seen anyone do that. I got tired and everyone was in Clay's room so I went there too. I crawled into bed with Clay and passed out right away. I missed the drama. I missed the fight. And I missed the cops. Well, I'm not to upset about all that...

I woke up at 8 on Wednesday. It's a habit from falling back asleep after I wake up for work. I was freezing. So I went and got my sweatshirt from downstairs, when I came back into bed Clay snuggled with me and we warmed up. In fact, when I woke up at 1, I was hot! But it was P in bed next to me instead of Clay. I guess he went to work. He didn't seem very happy the entire night or the next day.

So it was 1 on a Wednesday. What were we going to do? Umm, how about go to the zoo? I really wanted to go and somehow it actually happened. Too-Tall, Shawn, P and I climbed into Shawn's car and off to Henry Villas Zoo, one of the last free zoos in the country. I had fun. A lot of fun. Too-Tall and P took forever, so Shawn and I were off in front of them.

We went home after that. C called me on the way and asked if we wanted to hang out. She came over, we ordered chineese delivery. The delivery guy shaved his hair off! He said he lost a bet. I think it's hot. He spotted the vodka Shawn had snuck in (vodka isn't allowed in our house) and just had to start the drinking. He drank straight vodka. The only way I could have done that is if I was already trashed. Then again, he had done 6 deliverys that night and drank at 4. It was fun. I think DG should come hang out more often. Especially since he's hot!

We all chilled for awhile and then watched the movie P gave me for my birthday. About a Boy. I loved it. I used to hate Hugh Grant. Seriously, but now...not so much. He's playing different characters than I've seen him play and I like it. They're always clueless charaters, but they're less whiney now. So he's still not my favorite, but I do like him a lot more now.

Oh one of my friends of whom I haven't seen in forever stopped by. It was cool as hell. Rockin' Rhonda! Her and P went to see a band that one of our ex-coworkers is in. C went to Perkins. I took a shower and went to bed. Shawn stayed up watching movies.

I woke up this morning and my place is trashed. If P doesn't clean today, I'll clean tonight. Cause...ick. Shawn was passed out next to me, C was on the couch and I'm guessing P was in her room cause how else would C get in?

Anyway, it was a good time. I had a lot of fun and wish to do it again. Can I have a birthday every month?

Yesterday was interesting...for sure. I met my parents for lunch. That was nice. All day I was just kinda...blah. I went over there after work too, but my cake wasn't done. So I ordered my gift from them online and went home. P had cleaned the apartment. YAY! But that's not all. She left a note on the table that said "hey Kelly, let's find a rock." Then down the hall on the door to my room there was a note that said "a big ass rock" with a huge feckin rock sitting in front of my door. I open it up and there on my bed is first a cinder block with a note "or maybe something like a cider block is better", next to that is the rope with "I got some quality rope" and next to that is a club with "let's use a club!" I teared up. That was the coolest, most funny and original gift I had ever gotten from anyone. Even tho I don't get to keep any of it. If you don't understand what's going on, let me fill you in. There is a song from the Full Monty Musical about two guys trying to talk another guy into killing himself. It's become a song that makes us stronger, cause any time we feel like suicide is an option, that song just....gets us to realize how pointless it would be.

C comes over. Reads all the stuff and laughs like I did (she didn't cry tho). She brought me a huge ass box all gift wrapped in purdy paper and a CAKE!!!! With cool whip for frosting. YuMmY! And candles! We put that away in the fridge until Shawn got there.

My mother called and asked me to look in the fridge to see if there was anything she forgot over there, like tupperware or something. Since she's never been to my house really...I was confused. I still didn't get it tho. But I look in the fridge quick and didn't see anything, she tells me to look again and there on the bottom rack is a gianormous cake that says "Happy Birthday Kelly" on it and a tiara on top of it, just like I told her I wanted at lunch (I was half kidding).

Shawn called and said he was on his way over. He sounded tired. So we watched Star Trek until he got there, I let him in and he still sounded tired when I buzzed him in...so I open the door and he's crying. I immediately give him a hug and just try to comfort him, but I don't know what's wrong. We stand there for awhile, then I go get some tissue and P sees him all sad. So P took the side, I took the front and C was on the back and the other side and we just held him while he cried. Then he tells the problem and it's a pretty big one, but I have confidence that something will happen. Something has to happen. I'll fuckin make something happen.

Anyway, we talked for a bit and then got the candles lit and then cake cut. It was a lot of fun, I haven't blown out candles in years. I opened my present from C. YAY!!!! I got...I got...I got...so much! I got a windproof lighter, I got alumninum foil, I got highlighters (those three plus something green=good fun), I got silverware, I got $20 at the groccery store, I got free milk and I got free eggs. That is a hella lotta stuff. I love C so much! It was all stuff I needed and truely appreciated. (well, I didn't NEED the tin foil or highlighters but those are fun!)

We retired into the smoking room and had some conversations about...well, I don't know. But after an hour or so of talking, I decided that I wanted to go on a walk. So we drove to another town, walked up their strip.

While walking, we past a psychic place. I let myself be talked into doing it. Ok I wanted to do it. I got my palm read and the crystal ball done for $20. Oyvay! What a deal! According to my palm, I'm a young lady who doesn't like people telling me what to do, they need to stay out of my business. But I love and keep my friends very close. I'm going to live to my late 70's and I will be married to one person. With that person I will have three kids and be successful. Before I get married, I will be engaged but that will be ended and after awhile I'll get married, possibly to the same person. I'll have some health problems in my late 40's. That's all I can remember with that. With the crystal ball, there will be a wedding soon and it'll be a happy time. I will find love within three months, in fact, I'll be turning a lot of people down until I do actually find the one he was talking about. There was something about someone moving somewhere. One of my friends will betray me by spreading lies. I will have a change in career soon, and will be making more money. I've been having trouble lately with money, but soon I will be back in the game. School is very important to me. There will be an opportunity that will arise with the option of going to school again and I should definately do it, cause that is important to what happens later in life. Oh and an elderly person is going to have health setbacks, but should be ok if they continue to take their new medicine.

I really wish I would have been a little more sober so I could remember it. But I do remember thinking about how he was just playing off what info I was giving him. Anything that revealed a little bit of my personality or character, he said something about it. Also, things were very general. But it's all good. I wasn't expecting the world to change.

We went to Perkin's. I ate. I got sad. Neither of my sisters called me. That hurt. So I called my mom and asked her to bitch at them. My oldest sister called me right away. She seemed like she was preoccupied with thoughts tho.

We went home. I took a shower and went to bed. My other sister called at 12:30 and said Happy Belated B-day. She wants to hang out tomorrow, cause they (her boyfriend too) don't work until 11 at night. But I'm supposed to go to Shawn's for dinner. We'll see what happens.

I wanted to go to Great America on Wednesday. But none of my friends can afford it. I fucking hate it when they talk like they can conquer the world, but they can't even go to six flags. And they're not doing a whole lot about it. I don't know, I have never ever had a hard time getting a job. Never. In fact, all of my jobs have been offered to me. So I guess I don't know what it's like, but damn. It might work better if you actually tried to get a job...like calling employers back after they call you. Argh. Sorry. I'm just a little ticked off.

Oh yeah,

Happy birthday to me.

I spent most of the weekend fighting with various people and I'm starting to wonder if humans are worth the time and effort.

Friday – I didn’t have any plans. P and C were supposed to be coming home, but Shawn wanted to go to the TPS dance. I resisted as hard as I could, but because he really, really wanted to go and wouldn’t go unless I went, I went. Besides, he had to work at midnight anyway.

We had fun on the way there. Once there, however, it was really, really boring. I met some new people and then some old friends showed up (Too-Tall, Clay, Joey, Derrick). I was hella bored. I kept reminding Shawn of the time but he decided he didn’t care about work (or about me wanting to go home). Damn. So one of my friends from JanesVegas offered to give me a ride home, but he had some girl passed out in his car, so he had to get that taken care of first. It was pretty hectic. Finally, Clay and I left. We went cruising a little bit cause he’s in love with is car. Then we waited at La Bambas for a half hour. Shawn called my phone from Clay’s house wondering where I was. Oh well. That stupid fucker got drunk and high as a muthafucker in the time that I wasn’t there. I sat on their stairs for a half hour being antisocial and fucking pissed off. It was 2 by this point. So then Shawn says “we can go if you’re ready”. I drove his car cause he was so fucked up. He kept talking about how bad he felt on the way home, but I kept pointing out how he said that on Thursday too, but then went out and did it again anyway. We got home and passed out around 3.

Saturday – I woke up at 8:30 and took a shower. I called Steph to see if we were going to the Rennisance Festival. She just woke up and said she would call me when she was ready. I fell back asleep. She was over at my house at 11. We left right away. P and C decided they weren’t going. Oh well for them. They missed out on a hella fun time. I got kissed by the world’s greatest kisser (as in the Guiness Book of World Records for kissing 11, 030 people in 8 hours), hit on by two guys, and was thisclose to buying a “water pipe”.

When we got home, everyone was a little tense. C left almost right when we got there. P and I almost got into a fight over cleaning (because we both do it all the time). Shawn was being a bitch cause we were being bitchy. P and I got over it pretty quick but Shawn didn’t. He got a little emotional. That boy needs to sleep more.

We smoked and had a great time with that. I don’t really remember how, but it’s written down at home. Set It Off was put in the vcr cause P had never seen it. I cried a lot, but P was close to hysterical. Shawn left after the movie.

After we talked a bit and calmed down, P and I got all purdy and went to Perkins. Yup, Kitchen has been moved to Perkins. Just cause. We sat at a booth near the people we hang out with, but there was a booth in between us. We got into a much better mood by just talking and laughing. Having a good time. Some people (some guy with a purse and two girls) sat down in the booth between us and our friends. I started to show her something in my notebook (it’s just this thing I write and glue stuff into…yeah) when she just stops and looks at me kind of weird.

Me: What?
P: Did you hear that?
Me: No, what?
P: The people behind me said something about you and your notebook.

So I look over and the guy is looking at me and saying something like “oh look at my stupid scrapbook.” I didn’t care at first, so I ignored them. But I did say something to along the lines of “I hate people” which immediately got repeated in a whiney voice by our mimics. Fuck them. So P and I are both so pissed off we’re shaking. I don’t even fuckin know these people and they’re making fun of me. Not happening. I’m ready to throw punches and if you know me, that’s rare. M sits over at our table and can tell that something is wrong. So I tell him, quietly. He got pissed off too. Then they did it again. All three of us just went off on them. They tried to stand up to us (you wanna take this outside?), but fuck them and they couldn’t do it. Fuck them. They stopped talking about us tho. Ha ha. Scared you didn't we. I mean, we don't exactly look nice when we're pissed off. M is an ex-marine, P is in the army right now and I was in karate for years (I don't really look intimadating but I can fight like you don't even know). Later I overheard them talking about senior pictures which immediately made me feel better. Why? Cause they just stupid fucking high schoolers. I have grown up past that nonsense bullshit they tried to pull. All they talked about was how they hoped some girl who had lost weight would gain it all back again. Just for spite. I also overheard his name is Drew. Which made me think maybe this is Crusty Monkey’s ex-roommate/lover and best friend who he kicked in the head (it was). So I don’t feel bad for Drew anymore. I did, but fuck him, I’m glad Crusty kicked him. FUCK YOU DREW AND YOUR STUPID UGLY FRIENDS TOO!

I have never in my life met such rude and mean people. I really had hope for humanity but now I see…nope. Everything is going to shit.

Anyway, P and I enjoy the rest of our evening. I got to talk to F-meow and that was fun. He told me that E had tried to hang himself. Which, (surprise!) he never went through with. I almost wouldn’t have cared. We passed notes cause we were bored. J wouldn’t stop watching us. Eww. Been there, done that, no sequel.

P and I got home at 6 in the am.

Sunday – Shawn called at 8 and said he was coming over. Then he called at 8:45 or something to wake me up so I could let him in. The first thing he said was “Damn girl, you look like shit.” Well, thank you very much mister Shawn. He fell asleep on the couch and I went back to my bed until I woke up at 2:30. Not good. Shawn was supposed to be in the gay pride parade at 2. He wasn’t too happy about that, but what can ya do? We sat around for a little bit. He left to do laundry and shower. I did too. Hello parents. I was so bored for most of the day. Mom and I talked a bit. My dad and I talked a bit. I went home after two hours and P was still in the bathtub. So I went back to my parents and took a shower there. I put my clothes on when they were still a little wet, went back to my house and called Shawn. He wanted us over there right away. So off we went. We were going to go to Madtown, but that never happened. We smoked and had a good time at his house instead.

P and I got home around 11 and I went right to bed.

Today – Shawn woke me up when he called at 6:40 am. I didn’t get to the phone on time but he just said Happy Birthday a billion times on voice mail. I really didn’t want to get up today. I thought about calling in, but then I would be using precious vacation time. Sad thought.

I don’t know why, but after talking on the phone with Shawn and then my mother 20 minutes ago, I started tearing up. I don’t know why. I’m just emotional. But I do need to stop this crying at work thing I’ve got going on. How many times can I say I don't know why?

I don't know. Why?

Ok so last night I came up with a whole new theory. Ya know how they say that if you study something high, you would have to be high to remember it again? It's kind of true. Well, I decided that it's because thc works as a steroid for making synapses in your brain, so it puts things in "hard to reach places". Like if Popeye ate spinach and had to hide something inside a cave and put a big rock over the entrance. The only way his skinny little ass would get back in would be to eat spinach again. Ya know what I'm saying?

Last night...I went to my parents, discussed going to Madison with my mother and instead watched tv. Oh I miss tv. It's been too long my friend. Then Shawn had to go and call and ask me a huge favor. Of course I did it. That would include driving to his house to drive to Madison to watch the guy that he's dating play a softball game. Now, I myself love softball, so that wasn't an isssue. What was an issue for me is, I showed relunctance going because I didn't want to be the standard third wheel after the game. Silly me didn't voice my apprehension regarding this issue and therefore, my fears came true. The only two things Shawn said to me after we met up with this boy (nope, he was 23 so I guess I can say man) was (and they were well spaced out of course) "Get in the backseat" and "I can freeze you". Thanks Shawn, glad to know I'm appreciated. Of course after this guy left, Shawn felt horrible and appologized a million times. I don't think he felt bad about what he did, he just didn't want me mad. I hate it when people piss me off when I meet someone new. Cause then I'm a total bitch. Even more so than normal. And the guy did seem pretty cool.

Clay and Derrick met up with us and I got to see Clay's kick ass new ride. Oh it's beautiful. And he can come visit me more! We went to Burger King and sat around like big dorks. Good times. Then we said goodbye and parted ways. Shawn and I destined for his house.

He's insane sometimes. Last night he was running around in the dark all freaked out, screaming out "WHAT WAS THAT?" in reference to shadows. Sometimes...I don't know about him.

And just for fun, here's the first paragraph I wrote translated into Japaneese and then back into English:

It was understood, therefore last night I all new theory conceived. If you investigate highest what, it must be high in order to remember that for the second time unless, you have known they how say? That just a little is true. It is good, I "work the place as a steroid in order in order to reach thc to make the synapse of your brain, therefore" being to put in place especially eagerly, it decided that it is that. The way Popeye eats the spinach, hides what in the cave and if must place the stone where the top of the entrance is large. The only method the that thinly small donkey returning is to eat the spinach for the second time. You know that I say?

ps New Pictures!

The next time I write on here, it will be my birthday. I'm not expecting a lot.

Sometimes, I'm really dumb. Like last night.

I went home after work and no one was there. I didn't have to visit Toast so I laid on the couch and read a bit before slowly drifting off to sleep. Only to be jolted awake when C and P got home. They went out getting applications at various places. I have been waiting to go so we could all go together. But oh well. I couldn't fall asleep again so I mumbled some words and hoped that would work. No dice. So I got up and got ready to leave. Pirates of the Caribbean was calling.

That movie is just too...I mean it's...Orlando Bloom with dark hair...And Johnny Depp is... wow. He's so funny! And hott. And dirrty. Ok, enough already, fuck Christina.

(Oh I'm sorry Christina, I didn't mean it!)

Anyway, back at my house I got ready for bed and discovered that I still had a nice packed bowl sitting out from a couple of nights ago. Well, I had to put it away and you can't put it away packed. That's, like, wrong.

I went into P's room and we talked for a long time. We both love our friends a lot, but they are over at our house all the time. And when I say all the time, I mean it. P and I managed to have a semi-serious conversation about it (a great task at the time for me). We haven't had anytime to ourselves really. Just to be us and be dumb, which is what we're good at. We also discussed books we have read recently and are planning on reading. This is so interesting I could shove a spoon in my eye.

It sucks sometimes to have friends who work third shift. Shawn called at 6:45am, before my alarm went off at 7. He told me all about his fantastic date with this guy last night. I just managed to agree while searching wildly through my clothes looking for something decent to wear. They're going out again tonight, good luck to them.

I want pudding. Green pudding.

Oh yeah. I went to get my license renewed, cause my birthday is next Monday, and it was really easy. I don't know, they always make it seem like it's a huge deal and I'd be there all day. Well...I wasn't. I did have to wait in line for a long time, but once I got up to the lady, she hurried everything for me because I had everything ready and perfect. My new picture makes me look really bad. Oh well, at least I'm still a licensed driver.

Whenever I fall asleep at work (on my breaks of course) I open my eyes and see bugs crawling all over. Now there really isn't a bug in the building (at least that are visible) so why am I seeing these things? It's fucking creepy to see a sand colored, huge bug crawl across the desk a couple of inches from my head and not know if it's real or not. Am I going to be crazy when I grow up?

Holy slow computer Batman!

I love my parents. They are the two sweetiest, most caring people on the planet. P and I went over there for dinner. It was fun, the tv was off and I was entertaining everyone. I should be in hollywood. Actually, no. All the fake people would drive me insane. Anyway, after dinner, my father was going to Walmart to purchase the dvd of Gods and Generals. I went along for the ride and I'm so glad I did. Suddenly, my father grabs a cart and just starts piling food in it. Yogurt, pizza, milk... Apparently, he doesn't find it as humorous as we do that the only thing in our fridge is cream cheese and sandwich meat. So he bought us $60 worth of grocceries! And a broom! So yay for food!

P and I planned on drinking and watching a movie when we got back to our place. We made up some drinks, put in a movie, C came over and kicked back. Then Billiam had to go and call. Fleckner Fleckner! I didn't want to go over there, I wanted them to come over to my house cause I couldn't/didn't want to drive. So he sent Emily, a girl he used to work with over to pick me up. That's kinda sad because Emily lives in the same apartment complex I do. We're planning on hanging out more now I think. Anyway, she pretty much drove home to pick me up. We drove on over to Billiam's and talked random crap on the way. She's pretty cool, I've never really talked a whole lot with her before last night. At Billiam's, I prepared myself by grabbing a bottle of water on my way thru to the smoking room. I was fried last night. After a couple of rounds, we went out into the living room and watch the Family Guy. Great, great show. It was so hard to follow the story lines sometimes, cause it jumps around so much. I loved it! It was just insane. There are all these tv shows I want to buy...it sucks. I ain't got no monies for dat. But I don't have cable either... A girl can dream can't she?

Thanks Joe. You were such an inspiration. And because of you, I now have comments.

New Pictures!!

Glowing green links...cool beans.

So I'm all ready to go. I didn't tell you about last night, but that's cause it wasn't really important. Levi, C, P and I drove to see Shawn. It's a long drive, but we got to ride the ferry across the river. Yay for that. Shawn was uber excited to see us too. He wouldn't stop thanking me. I felt super special (ed). We came back to my house, smoked. Talked. I got complimented soooo much last night. P and Shawn went on and on about how pretty they think I am, I was just sitting there playing something (I don't remember what) but I wasn't listening at all cause it sounded like they were talking about someone else.

Shawn talking to P: I don't understand why she doesn't have a boyfriend, she's so pretty.
me talking to myself: oh so that's how that works....
P talking to Shawn: That's why.

Anyway, I'm off to get my liscense renewed before my birthday next monday.

I can't even tell you how proud I am of myself just because I figured out how to link something. Oh my goodness. I'm gonna be a crazy linkin' lady from now on I think... I'm working on getting the links in the right column to work but it's hard to figure out. If anyone wants to help me out on how to do that and/or explain how to put comments up I'd appreciate it very much and might even send you a little gift.

Here is something that might be amusing:

Me: If I die, it was the milk & u can have my car.
SD: Kewl. I have nothing 2 offer u.
Me: Awwww then u only get my blender.
SD: FUCK! I should have kept my mouth shut.
Me: lol! Well...u could always pawn it off 4 money $
SD: AND WASTE A PERFECTLY GOOD BLENDER! NO I NEED 2 BLEND.
Me: Blend away...but I don't think the milk is gonna kill me. If I died, would u come to my funeral?
SD: Yea. I would give a speech on lactose intolerance at your wake.
Me: How sweet! Make sure to include how the "Got Milk" advertisements led to my downfall.
SD: Deal

SD being super dude from a town 4 hours away. The really cute, hillarious, beautiful quitar playing, going to be absolutely famous man that I am going to marry. I wonder if he knows that yet...

Yay for Me!

Ummm...fuck. I just lost all that I wrote. Oh well. The world wasn't ready for that story anyway.

I AM SO READY TO HURT SOMEONE. OH MY FUCKIN SLINKY. I REALLY WANT TO HURT SOMEONE.

I can't help it I'm sorry. She needs to leave me the fuck alone. I'm not her private fucking whipping bitch. I know how to do my job. I don't need her coming in her every five minutes to tell me something else I already knew. All I can do is count the time down until 3. Cause I am outta here early.

Later:
And I'm still not in a good mood. I'm thisclose to falling asleep! And my boss just came up and messed with my hair. NOT COOL! No one is supposed to touch my hair. Or my ears. And he touched both. AHHHH!!! I just want to be a fuckin bitch and see if I would get sent home.

I'm not happy right now. Not happy at all.

So I got some pictures up on yahoo photo. I'm a little scared about showing them tho. See, my friend C is an aspiring photographer. As a favor, P and I were her little models for the day. Usually, I hate pictures that are obviously posed but what's a friend for? Anyway, don't laugh at me cause I look all serious. And don't hate me for the scenery, I wasn't the artist.

More pics to come... My Pictures

Oh yeah, Joe...if I knew how to put comments on my site...I would. As it so happens, I'm html-intolerant.

ps I know way too many Kellys

Nope, dishes weren't done, but the place was picked up. Horray!

Short version: Friday Shawn and I hung out and smoked. Saturday - we shopped, observed hotties in their natual habitat, went to Madison and smoked a lot. I learned some new and old secrets and gained developed a friendship. Sunday - Shawn and I smoked and watched movies. I went to a demo durby and hung out with my roommate, P.


Friday - I met Shawn at my house right after work. We spent the rest of the night talking and smoking. He passed out on the living room floor and I went into my room.

Saturday - I woke up around 9:30. Shawn woke up and right away went back to sleep. I fell asleep again around 11:30 and woke up at 1:30 I think. We went shopping, tried to get Shawn's hair cut, but no place was open so we gave up and went back to my place. Smoked. Shawn watched the first half of Emperor's New Groove while I showered and I watched an episode of Sailor Moon while he showered. We both watched the first half of Prince of Egypt. Then we smoked and went to the strip and observed all the cute guys there around 9:30. Levi called and wanted me to go to madison cause they were making wop. I wanted to, but since Shawn worked at 12, I would just wait until he left at 11:30 and then go down there. So then Clay calls and invites me down there. Now I really wanna go! Shawn decides that he can call into work so he can go with. We go back to my house, pack, smoke and leave. We went straight to Clay's with the intention of going over to Levi's in a little while. We smoked...and smoked again...and smoked again...We really did intend to go over there, at least I did. But I didn't have a car, Clay was in no condition to drive and Shawn wouldn't drive. So I called Levi and asked him to come pick us up, but he wasn't there. He called back around 2:30 and I was passing out. So I didn't get to see him and I feel really bad about that.

I met a couple of new people on Saturday. Wealthy Dave was pretty cool. He was just talking and talking and talking. He said his name was Barb and he was the sample lady at the groccery store due to some things that he was handing out. It was pretty funny. And there were some people I had seen before, but just talked to now. One of the people threw their boobs at me. They felt surprisingly real. Of course I've never had a real boob flung at my head.

Clay was too funny! He had 2½ beers before we got there and was totally buzzing. I smoked him up realllll nice. Then again, I smoked EVERYONE up realllll nice. That's right, I supplied most of everything there that night. They had better love me!

Too-Tall Matt and I had a "little chat". He went to the bar (he's only 19, but his dad took him) and got smashed. We were both just sitting there watching the computer, so I pulled him aside and we talked. Or rather, he talked and I listened. He told me something I already knew, but wasn't supposed to. I was so fuckin high. I listened, but my mind was just racing away. I've never actually had a conversation with just him and me before. So it was great!

Sunday - Clay and I both woke up at 8. Turned and looked at each other and both just groaned. I had slept on the corner piece of a couch that's supposed to line two walls (but all there was was the corner piece). Clay told me to come lay by him, so I fell asleep on the bed for a little while longer. When Shawn and I both woke up, Clay was gone. We called to tell him that we were leaving, he invited us to the art exhibit, but we declined.

On the drive home, there was no radio and we didn't really talk. It was nice to sit just quiet with someone. On the road to Shawn's house, he just stopped the car, got out and had me drive. For no reason! I was uber-excited...his car rocks. I think he should let me drive more often. I don't think he will tho. Shucks.

At Shawn's house we smoked...again. We drove back to my house, made a pizza, watched the second half of Prince of Egypt and he watched the second half of Emperor's New Groove while I took a little nap on the couch. Finally, we went over to my parents just as they were leaving. Shawn played online while I did laundry. Back to my place, C came over and picked me up. Shawn went home. C and I went to the Demo derby. Huh. I thought there might be a chance I would enjoy it, but I didn't really. Maybe if I had more energy, I would have like it. Don't get me wrong, I had fun, but it was just so barbaric. Smashing cars into each other, cheering when one started on fire, booing people off the arena. I just don't really get it.

P was home when we got there. The poor girl. They did a surprise drug test, we'll find out. They also did a PT test. She's sick. So she had overhydrated in order to do the drug test, and then overheated when running the two miles. Her body pretty much went into shock. Not fun for her. After she vented and felt better, we talked. I told her a little bit about my weekend. C left. We talked and watched an episode of Sailor Moon.

Shawn called. I see the boy all weekend and he still has to call me. I went over to my parents. They invited me and P over on Tuesday for dinner. YAY FOR REAL FOOD! I've had so much junk and take out food...ugh.

Nice bed time. Sleepy. Yawn.

Is this right? Evanscense actually has a song where Amy doesn't sing? Strange, but I like it. I just didn't recognize the band cause it wasn't Amy.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you just how much Incubus rocks. That would be a lot.

Also, I really don't want to be working right now. It kind of sucks. Kind of bad. But oh well cause once I get thru today, I get two days where I don't have to lift a finger if I don't want to. I will tho cause my stupid house needs cleaning and once again P is no where to be found. Actually that's a lie. She leaves for drill later today, so I'm hoping she does something...like dishes.

Hmm, nothing really new happened so if you want to skip all this, I wouldn't be too upset.

My parents met me at work and took me to a bar. We had a drink, walked around downtown and then I drove home. P and I both went over to C's for dinner and it was most excellent. After we ate, we walked around her property and got all drity. It was a lot of fun tho. If you called her horse over to the fence and then took off running, the horse would run along side you. At home, P and I sat and read for an hour. The end.

I talked to Shawn last night. I had to call him and see if he would go to Beppo's party with me. He sounded really excited to hear from me. He said he was coming right over when he got back too.

Yay for smoking a yeti. Licking a lollipop. Eating candy. Organic experiences.

Work is so boring. I brought pictures of everyone to scan, but only did a couple cause they are easily viewed by other people and I didn't want to run the risk. I played with them in photoshop, but my knowledge of that program is extremely limited. I would write something (besides this crap), but work isn't exactly making my creativity burst with ideas. But when I'm at home, I rarely write. Unless we're smoking. Then I write down everything.

Oooo Dinner at C's house tonight...fish, shrimp, green salad, fruit salad and baked potatos. Yum.

Hey guess what! I finally got new glasses. Usually I wear contacts (not colored ones either), but it's been two years since I got glasses so I decided it was time for some new ones. They're pretty cute too.

It's hard to distract yourself by staying busy when you don't have anything to stay busy with.

Last night...my heart got ripped out of my chest and then shoved frantically back in with dull fingers trying to tie the arteries and veins back together.

Beppo has a girlfriend.

I just want to scream. It's my own fault really in that I never told him anything I was feeling. I tend to do that, often even. I'm too scared about how other people will react if they know certain stuff about me. Something as little as I-have-a-crush-on-them-and-it-might-possibly-be-love-but-I-don't-know-if-love-is-really-out-there. So he invited me to come to a party at his house on Friday. I can "flirt with Jared, Ryan or Jason" according to him. Oh could you squeeze my poor mangled heart just a little more possibly? It just sucks that when I finally get enough courage to tell him, he goes and gets a girl. So I guess it's just not meant to be. It's got to be a sign. I'm never destined to be with him. And it's not just this girl that I'm basing this decision on. There are other things, but they sound way too Jerry Springer to write down at this moment.

So after I got off the phone with him, P and C were there to ask what was wrong. I told them and they were disapointed for me. Both of them have been telling me for a long time tho, that I should tell him. Oh well. It's not the biggest deal.

They left. I took a shower. I was supposed to join them, but decided against it. I smoked and read my book instead. Oh and had a good hysterical cry after trying to convince myself it wasn't so bad. It was the music. I mean, who could listen to My December by Linkin Park and not have an emotional response? It's way too honest. It was the music and the photo albumn.

There are so many pictures in there of happy times. Beppo, his ex-best friend (still one of my good friends), SuperDude, C, P, J, Jacob, Shawn, Dan... He looks so happy. And the day we spent together was so much fun. I never imagined anything...I miss him. I regret the time we didn't spend together. Jacob said Dan was always going to call so we could all go for dinner, but there wasn't any time. So we saw each other twice since that day and made promises that were never kept. His smile was gone. At the wake. That was a big problem for everyone there. Dan smiled a lot.

I miss...so much.

And this is why I'M the favorite.

So I said something awhile back about my boss being in love with my supervisor, right? Remember? They were best friends! The supervisor had a boyfriend and they both moved to Wales awhile ago. My boss went out there on a visit surprising everyone, while the boyfriend conviently enough didn't have the right visa so was back in the states. Did you get that? Well, while my boss was in Wales he "gave her a choice" but "she didn't pick me". So he's kinda heartbroken. He's working on getting over it I think. I don't know how much longer he'll whine about it. I don't mind. He comes into my office, making it impossible to do my work (what, check my email?) and we'll have great conversations about how much the world sucks and how wonderful music is.

Today was especially bad for him. A lot of times, what the second in command does is make sure the boss is ok. So when Turdy dumped all her work in my lap so she could go take care of him, I wasn't surprised. I did her work and while doing so I thought of something the boss might appreciate. I made him a sticker to wear that said "having it all work out in the end is so cliche" (thank you bobby burgess). I stuck it on his pack of cigarettes and waited for him to realize it. Later he came into my office, thanked me for the sticker (he guessed it was me, cause I'm the only other person in the office who dares to get sarcastic and joke with him) and he seemed to be in a much better mood.

He's about as strange as I am.

True dat. I have no brain today. So...beware-y.

I drove alllll the way to Madison last night. Allllll the way. I picked up P from Levi's and Crusty Monkey's, then off we went to Clay's. Clay wasn't there, but Matt, Joey, Derrick, Amber and Petey were. We sat and talked to Derrick for awhile about Sailor Moon. Since watching the videos that Derrick lent us, P is almost as obsessed as I am. It's kinda funny. (There are two things that I like that could almost make me a dork. Star Trek and Sailor Moon. But I don't obsess enough over either of them to be considered said dork.)

We left there and drove home. I dropped C off at her house to get her car. P and I had an almost fight at our house. Apparently, I'm really giving. Too giving because it's just silly when I expect other people to give as much as I do - that's pretty much what she said. So what am I supposed to do? Stop caring so much? I didn't want to get into a real fight so we dropped it after I flipped over in the chair again. So far I'm the only one who has a problem with this. And P seems to think it's really funny cause she laughed for a good five minuntes while I was trying to fix the chair w/out getting up. Talk about a run on sentence.

My sister and her boyfriend showed up with another in tow (big,fat,nasty,crusty creature....one of his friends). C came over as well. We all sat there for a bit waiting for another person to show up. We quit waiting before she actually got there. The rest of the night is a haze. The fog is clear for two things: Pizza Hut, Social Engineering 101.

I miss Sonic. And Carl's Jr. but if you tell anyone I said that I'll kick you.

YAY! Today I get to play hero and go rescue P from the dangers of Madison. She got stuck there when our dear friend, Levi, got arrested...again. *sigh* I kinda didn't want to go at first, but now I'm actually looking forward to it. Like driving an hour is the most exciting thing I've done in a long time. Actually...

Oh something else today. I actually got to say the words "I'm your secretary!" and mean it.

HAHAHAHA. I love my friends. We seriously have the best time on earth and no one can possibly say that they have more fun than us. I will not stand for it. How dare you challenge us? The four of us are unstoppable!

Last night I went out with my paents....hold on (phone call ringing...can't answer....call back....Shawn).

Anyway, they picked me up and took me out to dinner. My father bought me a pie. A french chocolate silk pie. Good lord is it chocolately. We went back to their house and I burned a couple of really awesome cds. Yay for me. We started watching Star Trek Nemesis, but I needed to go home so my father gave me a ride and a vcr. Huh? Oh well.

I took a shower, thought about smoking, but didn't. C came over. We looked at the most recent photo shoot pictures I hadn't seen yet. There are some funny feckin pictures in there. I wish I had brought them with me cause I'd scan them and do that whole thing.

I'd like to give a shout out to all my peeps at the odc. Sup.

Now that wouldn't be funny unless you're P. R u p? hehehe. I hate it when people type like that. I usually don't do that unless I'm text messaging someone. Otherwise you run out of room.

I talk a lot about nothing.

So I got to be alone for a little while last night. I, once again, realized how much I enjoy smoking cigarettes. Sure it's bad for you, and it doesn't seem like something someone would normally enjoy (at least I didn't understand it when I smoked) but I do.

Speaking of a photo shoot...I think it's time for another one. I'm missing those right about now. I think we should do some at the lake. Out on the lake in the canoe with the yellow filter on. That makes for some cool pictures. The first one we did, P, C and I found an old couch on the side of the road so we stopped to take some pics on that and those looked really cool. The cemetary ones looked really good too. We also took some at Shawn's house and those could have been better. I mean, it was raining out so we had to stay inside (no umbrellas for us!) so we made do with what we had. I want to doctor some of them in photoshop tho...

I need a new picture album.

Guess who called. Shawnathan! I looked at the call id on my cell phone and when I saw it was him, I ran to the bathroom so my supervisor wouldn't catch me on the phone. He started off the conversation with "I MISS YOU!". It’s really only been a day. But it seems like a long time, since we only saw each other for about a half hour since Thursday. I’m used to seeing him every day, or at least talking to him every day. Now we’ve talked a little bit, but haven’t gotten to see each other or hang out in days...and it will be at least another 5 days. That’s just strange. But he called me up and asked me to look online for some gay clubs he could go to whilest there. So if anyone knows of any...wanna let me know?

I've been separated from all my friends for awhile. The four of us haven't been together and happy at the same time in awhile. I've been so fucked up lately, I feel like it's my fault. I don't even know if it bothers them. Feeling happy for them but sorry for myself. I hate it. I would just love to be happy for them and stop being such a baby. I am jealous tho. All of them have gotten to get a chance to get out. P was in AT, but she loves it so it was kind of a vacation for her. Cody went to Vegas. Shawn's in Texas. I went to...a town an hour away with P and her family.

Ahh! This job frusterates me beyond all belief! I just want to leave. I wish I could...well I suppose I could. I hate thinking about just trivial things as to how many days I have off per year vs. how many days I want off per year. I feel like such a fake workacholic. All I wanna do is have some fun. If this is what life is about what is the point? It just seems like there isn't anything else. I've talked to both Shawn and P abou this. P thinks there is more to life. It will be what you make of it. Shawn says this is life. Working and hanging out with friends, whatever happens, this is mostly likely what you will be doing. I don't understand...it seems so stupid and meaningless.

And why are kleenx boxes trying to be all arty? It's just a cardboard box made to protect and distribute "factial tissues" whose real job is to wipe the snot outta your nose. Who are they trying to kid?

Whoa. I'm fucked up. I won't be able to remember a whole lot of details, wait that's a lie. I have a frickin brain for memorizing details even if I've only had a glance at something...see...I'm kinda fucked up.

This weekend I went up north, to P's hometown. I got to meet all of her family and see where she grew up. It was kinda cool. And a lot of fun. I missed Shawn and C, but I was glad to be away from my town. My parents were supposed to go out to dinner with P's mother, P and myself, but they backed out and I got really pissed off. Ummm, Levi came over later. Then he and P took off for Madison, while I stayed home and cleaned the house. I clean all the fuckin time! It's getting bothersome.

So last night I called my sister to see what was going on. She told me she was busy and would call me back in two minutes, but that I should come over and hang out with Billiam. I was going to wait for Shawn, but instead called him up and told him to meet me there. I was over there at 11:30 or something...I kept looking at the clock but it stopped making sense. I think he showed up at 11 or 12 or something. I dunno. I met his sister. They only stayed for a couple of minutes and then took off. They're driving to Texas. I don't know how he's going to do it, but he plans on driving straight thru. I hate driving that long. I mean, I need to sleep somewhere besides a car.

But I about died last night. Billiam was impressed by my smokin' skills. That's saying something. I had to drive home in the worst fog I've ever seen in this town. It was some scary shit. I called Too-Tall on the way home and left a message on his voice mail. I wonder what I said.

So today so far has been spent in a haze. I feel like I'm asleep. And I would be if I stopped moving. I'm so fucking tired.

"Marijuana is a remarkably safe and non-toxic drug that can effectively treat about 30 different conditions," he tells WebMD. "I predict it will become the aspirin of the 21st century, as more people recognize this." Yay for this!

So I was walking into the store today and who should I see? E. That fuckface. As soon as I saw him I started to shake. I was so nervous he would try to start something. All while I was in the store, I was afraid he was going to walk in and start yelling at me. Then I started thinking and realized that I could just yell back. I don't have to be afraid, I don't have to worry about not having control when I have it all. I was still shaking tho. I saw him again as I walked out and he waved. I just slightly nodded my head and drove away.

UPDATE - My horoscope for today:
Key into your sensual, beautifying nature, Kelly. Take time each day to attend to your soul, and make sure it is getting the nourishment it needs to radiate boldly onto the world. Unexpected people are likely to pop up out of nowhere, so don't be surprised when a former lover comes knocking on your door. Things from the past may be coming back to the present reality in order to teach you a valuable lesson about life.

Guess what! C's back! She wasn't supposed to get back until the 5th and by then I would have been in .... another town. So yay! She came over last night and the four of us (shawn, P, C and I) sat talking for a bit. P kept telling me she needed me to call Derrick so she could get the number of this Scott guy. Which I wouldn't mind doing. But C just got back in town and I wanted to talk to her for a little bit. Catch up on times and whatever. Finally I couldn't fucking stand it ... she must have told me five times! I went in the other room, called Joey, got Derrick on the phone, he found the number, gave it to me and I threw it at P. Then I just didn't feel social anymore. So I went outside and smoked, alone. I came back in after 20 minutes and took a shower. Then I walked around, picking stuff up cause our place is a mess (surprise!) and yeah... I walked Shawn out when he left for work. I then continued to pick up my messy messy room and C and P came in to talk to me. We chatted. I actually talked. Yay for me. They left to go to Kitchen or Perkins or something and I went to bed. The end.

Ps- EWWW I'm peeling. My skin is coming right off. Like a snake, I shed my disguise. Soon I'll be my normal self.

Um, I was in a bad mood yesterday. I don't know why. Yeah I do. I hate it when I feel like I don't have control over situations. I.E. getting stuck at work yesterday without a car. Having no money for gas and having to borrow money from my mother. I extrememly disklike having to take money from people. Even if they owe me money and it's what they're paying back...money is dirty. But I digress. And I do it a lot. Get over it.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to Madison. We all ended up going anyway. Shawn was in his car and I was driving with P in my car. We had our radios and we're talking a lot. It's good fun. I'm gonna have to say we all looked supa-fly.

We got to Clay's/Joey's and no one was there. We saw Derrick walking away, so we just went in and then back out to smoke. I called Too-Tall, no answer. I called Joey, he was still on his way home from work. I called Clay, he was upstairs. That dork. Once Joey got there a whole shit-ton of people showed up. Joey was sharing his bottle of Boonsfarm (ARBOR MIST aha ha ha ha) with me and we all played Porno Password. That's a funny fuckin game.

I wasn't going to go to the club, but I had to. My boy Shawny wanted me to and P was going...so peer-pressure man, what do you do? Give in. I actually remembered the way!

The club was dead. Ty, Tim, Patrick, Cody, Brandon, Chris....I dunno, there weren't that many people I knew. So what happens? P goes to the bar side with Joey and leaves Shawn and me. Then Shawn has to go dance so I'm there alone. I didn't care too much. Tim and Patrick showed up and showed me a good time. Wow. Patrick is really hot. Such a shame he's gay. He's an excellent kisser.

I saw Jacob...but he had to walk away and he promised to call me so we could hang out on Thursday.

Ok so I played matchmaker last night...again. When will I learn my lesson? Never. I was talking with Tim and he walked away, so up walks Shawn and asks what's the deal with Tim. Is he single? Is he looking? I fill him in on what's going on. Then outta no where, he says he would date him. I laugh. But then later I was talking to Tim and he says something about how cute Shawn is. So I tell Tim he should ask Shawn to go out sometime. He's just too fricken shy. Even with a gaurenteed yes (I kept going in between to make sure, not obviously tho).

Ohh oh oh oh! Shawn and I hardly ever see each other at the club. He's busy flirting and dancing and I'm busy talking and dancing. We rarely dance together. Last night tho, he grabs me and we danced like we've never danced before! But in a good way. After a little bit, I turn around and he's on the box. I go over ther and he pulls me up, undos his pants and we dance some more. It was a good time. I left shortly after that and haven't found out yet if either Shawn or Tim finally asked. They're both such wusses.

I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do...but I suggest you check out Audiovent. They rock my world. Seriously, I love the song Beautiful Addiction. It makes me want to smile with joy and cry from regret at the same time. But that's another story.

I'm feeling rather miserable. Not only am I hella-sunburnt, I also have an ear infection and a hangover. The hangover is my fault tho... Shit...computer problems..ok whatever.

I left work yesterday at 12. I had to accomplish some goals...like getting to the doctor. Why do people doubt me when I say I'm sick. Cause yesterday I asked my mother to make me an appointment because I thought I had an ear infection. She was all annoyed because she didn't think I could tell that for a fact. And P said it was prolly just water. Well, water never hurt like this. So I got some stupid pills that make me sensitive to the sun and make me have to drink a lot of water. So I have been. But does alcohol oppose that theory?

Shawn was sleeping in my bed when I got home from work. Fine. I stole P and we went to the bank, Walmart and dropped the movies off. I dropped P off at home, picked up my mom at her house and went to the doctor in a town about 20 minutes away. Saw my PA, got a prescription, drove back to my house, picked up Shawn, dropped the prescription off, got my contacts, ordered glasses, picked up my prescription (fuckin huge nasty pills), went to dairy queen and finally went home. All this was done in three hours. It's a lot to do. Today my car goes into the shop, but I can't take it cause I don't have many vacation days.

Shawn, P and I watched Secretary. Strange movie. I swear all we ever end up talking about it sex. All the time, I'm so sick of it! That movie created a couple more conversations about sex that we could have. Well, they could have. I could just sit there and wish my skin would stop burning. I'm not about S&M. It's all good for a guy to be aggressive, but damn.

Scary M and her friend came over. They're typical airhead teenage girls. Shawn didn't like them and left after smoking a cigarette with me. Scary M and I have been friends for a long time. 4 years? And when Shawn called me later that night, he was all "I don't like that M chick. She just comes across wrong. She's all know-it-all and just a stupid bitch." Had I not been drinking by then, I would have gotten really pissed off, but as it is I just said whatever, she's my friend not yours. You don't have to worry about it. Rah! He doesn't even know her!

After Scary M and her friend left, the delivery guy showed up. YAY! We like the delivery guy. And we like chinese food too so it all works out. We talk every time he comes over. It's good fun. He left, we put in Punch-Drunk Love and ate our food. About halfway thru the movie, when things still weren't making sense, we busted out the booze. We got really giggly. That's when Shawn called so I could entertain him while he got ready for work. Kasey called right after I got off the phone with Shawn. We talked for a bit. P was giving me some looks cause the movie was paused for a long time while I was on the phone. So I got off the phone and we finished the movie. Strange. What was it with weird movies yesterday?

P and I went outside to smoke. Two cigarettes each cause we were laughing so hard we forgot to smoke. Whoops. I don't even know what we were laughing at. Funny stuff tho. We had a mini dance party in P's closet. We were going to go for a walk and get something from Walmart. I don't remember what tho. I was talking about taking a shower for about a half hour before I finally did. I kept walking back and forth between the bathroom and P's room to talk.

Joey (he's so pretty!) called to invite us to his house today instead of going to the club. Which I just might do. I'm still all sunburnt and dancing might be painful. I did it last night cause I could really feel it. And this way I can leave easier. I could leave at 12! Be home, showered and in bed at 1:30. YAY! That would rock my world. We'll see tho.

Ouch! I hurt! Make it stop! Who gets sick in July? Obviously I do. As long as I'm not sick over my birthday. 20 days!