Thursday, July 10, 2003

Last night...my heart got ripped out of my chest and then shoved frantically back in with dull fingers trying to tie the arteries and veins back together.

Beppo has a girlfriend.

I just want to scream. It's my own fault really in that I never told him anything I was feeling. I tend to do that, often even. I'm too scared about how other people will react if they know certain stuff about me. Something as little as I-have-a-crush-on-them-and-it-might-possibly-be-love-but-I-don't-know-if-love-is-really-out-there. So he invited me to come to a party at his house on Friday. I can "flirt with Jared, Ryan or Jason" according to him. Oh could you squeeze my poor mangled heart just a little more possibly? It just sucks that when I finally get enough courage to tell him, he goes and gets a girl. So I guess it's just not meant to be. It's got to be a sign. I'm never destined to be with him. And it's not just this girl that I'm basing this decision on. There are other things, but they sound way too Jerry Springer to write down at this moment.

So after I got off the phone with him, P and C were there to ask what was wrong. I told them and they were disapointed for me. Both of them have been telling me for a long time tho, that I should tell him. Oh well. It's not the biggest deal.

They left. I took a shower. I was supposed to join them, but decided against it. I smoked and read my book instead. Oh and had a good hysterical cry after trying to convince myself it wasn't so bad. It was the music. I mean, who could listen to My December by Linkin Park and not have an emotional response? It's way too honest. It was the music and the photo albumn.

There are so many pictures in there of happy times. Beppo, his ex-best friend (still one of my good friends), SuperDude, C, P, J, Jacob, Shawn, Dan... He looks so happy. And the day we spent together was so much fun. I never imagined anything...I miss him. I regret the time we didn't spend together. Jacob said Dan was always going to call so we could all go for dinner, but there wasn't any time. So we saw each other twice since that day and made promises that were never kept. His smile was gone. At the wake. That was a big problem for everyone there. Dan smiled a lot.

I miss...so much.

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