meet me in outerspace

Wello. I finally saw Chicago. The movie. Not the city yet. But I will. Thank you Ryan. Anyway, my mother and I rented the movie last night and watched it over at their place. YAY!! I need to buy it now (which sucks cause I don't really have money for it, but rocks because I will own that wonderful movie). After we watched that, I really meant to go home and sleep, but ended up going over to my sister to chill with her fiancee and some other peeps. Whoops.

I'm really glad I don't work tomorrow. Shawn and I are supposed to spend the night hanging out together. But we'll see if it happens. He has a date or something and I think I might have plans...but I'm not sure.

Tomorrow tho, yeah baby. I won free passes to The Ark so P, Shawn, C and myself will be driving on down the road to swim a little. I also have a lot of gift certificates for some restaurants so we will be dining for free. Nothing better.

Saturday...it's either Taste of Madison or Chicago. Hmmm... I guess it depends on who is at the JJO stage. Eh...it doesn't matter. But I can't miss Caroline’s Spine on Sunday. They rock my world.

So my office must have had sympathy pains for the northeast cause the power went out yesterday. I was really hoping that it would stay off for the rest of the day...but no. It came back on after a half hour.

I ended up going over to my sister's after work. During the two hours it took to straighten my hair, Shawn and this girl I used to work at Hardee's with showed up. They retired to the smoking room with my sister's fiancee while my sister and I sat out in the kitchen. Shawn came out and gave me a shotgun. He turned to my sis and asked her to come into the other room. She said we could if he got on his knees and begged. So they made a compromise and he had to beg my sis while giving me a lap dance. It was funny as hell. Cause if that boy can do anything, it's dance. So we moved into the smoking room. The pain from doing my hair just disapeared.

Shawn and I went back to my house. I got ready really fast and Em came over. We all dressed alike. Not on purpose at all. It was kinda scary. Black shirts, black belts, blue jeans and black shoes. We're such dorks we took pictures before we left. Because of my hair, the clothes and we're dorks.

I rode with Em and the whole way there we smoked. Not a lot, one bowl lasted the whole time.

We got into the club no problem. It was too easy. Em and I found Shawn and hung out with him. I wasn't feeling the club vibe last night. I didn't want to dance, I didn't want to talk...I was just kind of eh. I didn't even want to drink and wasn't going to. Until I saw a friend from childhood. He was totally wasted and bought me and Em a drink. Holy shit was it strong! I mean, I expected something a little stronger because the guy who bought the drink knows the bartender and the bartender thought it was for him. But damn. It was extremly cool of him to do that tho.

We stayed for two hours and then left. I was totally passing out on the way home but almost managed to stay away the whole time. As long as we were talking I could stay awake but the minute we stopped my eyes closed. When we got home (she lives across the parking lot from me) I was so tired I almost just went to bed and was going to call in today. But instead I took a shower, was in bed by 2:30 and called to say I would be an hour or two late cause I wasn't feeling well.

OH. MY. GOD. A friend who I haven't talked to in a hella long time called me last night. He was totally fucking with me tho, cause I thought it was him, but wasn't sure and he wouldn't tell me. Wow, if I could ever possibly relay how intensely cool this is... I don't even know what I'm trying to say it was so cool. He's going to come visit and possibly move up here. That would rock my world. It would be madness! I'm really excited cause he's calling again tonight! At least he had better.

Ok and thanks to t-bone, here are some things you don't really need to know but I'm going to say anyway:

If you would like to play along and have me interview you ... the following rules apply:
1. If you want to participate, please leave me a comment saying "interview me" (along with your e-mail address, please).
2. I will respond by asking you five questions – each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1.List five things about yourself that make you special and unique.

Five things that make me special…ed. aw jeeze. Um. I’d like to think there are certain qualities I have that set me apart from people. However, this is my opinion and I might just be full of shite, but anyway… 1- I think I have a really great sense of humor. I’m not afraid to laugh and be really dorky, like so many people are. 2- I go through extreme mood swings in a matter of seconds. Going from being hella hyper to the pits of depression, back to being hella hyper. Sometimes several times in a row. 3- I’m really, really considerate. To a fault. I will go very far out of my way to help someone, but am crushed when I don’t get it in return. 4- I forgive. I don’t hold grudges. And I’m trying to teach myself be able to. Because there are some things that you can’t forgive a person for. 5- My hair. Yeah, not very substantial…sue me. People recognize me because of my hair. Not quite Pauly Shore recognizable, but still…

2. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and whom would you want with you?

Somewhere in Spain. Who would I want with me? Well, really I’d want my sisters, my parents and my closest friends. But if I couldn’t have all them then I would settle for him.

3. How do you feel when it rains? Why?

Clean. Relaxed. Inspired. Frustrated. Because nothing comes from the inspiration.

4. Describe your best friend. What do you dislike about him or her?

Well, this is harder to do. I have more than one best friend, but the one I’m closest to, who knows most of my secrets and I know a lot of hers, is P. My friend for 2 years and roommate for 3 months. We are so much a like but just different enough. She’s just so much fun. We could be sitting at home, just talking and have a blast doing it. She really does have a terrific sense of humor and can be very emotional. She doesn’t cry unless she watches a sad movie and she’s not crying because of the movie. It’s just the trigger. She’s not afraid to do things by herself.

I dislike the fact that she just can’t think sometimes. I have shown her the easier and more efficient way to do many things, but she just doesn’t always figure it out for herself. Another thing I dislike is her inability to remember stuff. She needs constant reminding often and has to write everything down. Not quite as bad as Memento, but sometimes she can’t remember something she just said.

5. What is your favorite food, and when is the last time you ate it?

Pizza. I feel like a 12 year old when I admit that, but yeah. And I had it two days ago. Marvelous sausage and mushroom pizza with the sausage picked off.

Two people said something to me about looking serious too much. Well, actually one of the guys said I looked "blank". Now I understand what he means when he says that cause C spaces out all the time and her face just ... stops. I don't know if I like that tho. Blank.

After work, I was feeling like poopy. So I tried to make myself get into a better mood...it almost worked. But then I got home and McGovern was still there (he had woken me up that morning at 6:45 to let him in...I made him wait outside until 7 when my alarm went off). And they were watching Braveheart. P and I have been trying to watch that together since we borrowed it from my parents a couple of months ago. So I went into my room and tried to sleep for a bit. A couple of friends called so I didn't really get any sleep.

My dad and I had a blast last night. I went over there at 6:30 and both of us were just exhausted. But he still made me dinner. How cute is that? Chicken, mashed taters and corn. It was like a dream come true! Real food. We talked and ate. It was really fun. Then we busted out the xbox and showed those zombie B-yatches who was boss. All the way until 9:00. I was either getting tired or waking up...I couldn't tell. So I kissed my dad goodbye and went home.

I really meant to go to bed. Just like I meant to leave Perkins at 11:30 last night. But instead.I got home from Perkins at 1.

M was there. And he seemed ok. He sat with P, C and myself for most of the night. And how could you not laugh when sitting by us? We're supposed to have movie night and watch the Freddy Kruger and Jason movies... I still haven't seen any of them so they have all decided it is their mission in life to culture me in the ways of 80's horror movies. I think I know plenty of '80s B movies but ya know...whatever.

Oh yeah, I'm going to the club tonight. The only club that isn't lame. Which happens to be a gay club. Where a lot of my friends happen to go. Cause a lot of my friends happen to be gay. Anyway, P and I are going to try and get people to buy us drinks. Since for tonight only, I will be 21. Shhh! Don't tell anyone. Anyway, I really hope to hear this song.

This weekend was filled with much nothing-ness. P was at drill, Shawn worked most of the time. But Crusty Monkey stayed the night Friday. Clay stayed the night Saturday. Shawn and I hung out Sunday. And Em was there all three nights. It was fun.

Remember M? Well, he was J's (my ex) roommate and also a Kitchen regular. One of my friends. Well, his father died last week. I had no idea. I only found out because his brother and sister-in-law used to work in the same office I do. So we're all signing a card for the family.

Ok, and I know M is 30, so that puts his parents at a higher risk of passing away, but it still makes me worry about my parents. I already miss them just from not seeing them everyday like I used to. But if they just stopped existing... I'd be totally lost. The parents are my foundation that keeps me grounded to real life. So much of what I've accomplished in life is because of them. I realize that someday they are going to die. Everyone does. But I don't think I will ever be ready for it. It makes me really glad that we're friends.

Tonight my father and I are supposed to go trap shooting. However, it's raining. So we'll prolly hang out at their house and play xbox or something. It will be really cool to actually get to see them for more than a half hour.

Clay called me up while I was at work yesterday. He left a message that I was invited to attend a play with him. Well, I couldn't very well say no. So after work I hurried my ass home, stopped at D's to see her hair (yup it's short) and then took off for Madison. Traffic was awful once I got near town. But only because the signs were telling everyone to merge, so we did (going 5 mph while we did) and then only to realize that it wasn't for miles that we had to do so...after my exit.

I got to see Crusty Monkey! We only talked for a minute or two, but that was good fun. He promised to come visit this weekend or something (I won't hold my breath). Matt came running outside and gave me a big hug, that was super sweet. I miss these guys.

Clay and I drove downtown and surprisingly didn't get lost. We made it into the theater and took our seats. The play started on time but there weren't very many people in the audience. Hmmm...anyway, it was actually two plays The Mother and The Crazy Locomotive. Umm, my mother always said if you can't say anything nice blah blah blah...but forget that. It was really bad. Granted it was a Summer Youth Production, it was still really bad. Both plays have very extreme thinking. All the characters talked really fast so you only had a chance to grasp the theory before they had moved on. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be but...damn gina. The entire second play was performed with all the characters on chairs with wheels, like computer chairs. Kind of cool, but still...didn't make a lot of sense. But congrats to Jailbait (the guy we went to see), he did a good job.

After the play, Clay and I walked down State Street looking for a place to eat and talking about the plays. We stopped at some burrito and taco place and got huge fricken burritos from here. Then we walked to the park and watched Harry Potter while we ate (Movies in the Park baby, yeah). I can't even describe how cool it was to sit on the grass, eat my burrito (which was sooo good) and watch this movie with a good friend. The weather was perfect and the stars were out. Stuff like that makes me want to live in a city. That city. So I can be with all these cool friends.

I had to be getting home, so we drove on back to Clay's. I hugged everyone good bye and took off. As soon as I got on the interstate, my phone rings. It was Em! She wanted to know if I wanted to go to the diner. We ended up talking for 40 minutes. I arrived home at 11:55 pm, took a shower and was ready to go at 12:20 am. So off we went.

It was fun. P and C were already there, my sister was working and I got to eat for free. It was great. The manager sat with us for a bit, because we're that cool. C left around 1:30 and I really should have gotten a ride from her, but no. I had to wait until everyone else was ready to go at 3:30 in the morning. As soon as I got home, I jumped into bed. Only to wake up 3 hours later.

Drugs have taught an entire generation of American teenagers the metric system

I just got Yesterday in my head. One of my favorite songs on this earth.

My mom saw a lot of me yesterday. I'm pretty sure she had fun. P, C and I went over there and watched Raise the Red Lantern. I finally got to see it all. It is really depressing. C left so P and I bummed around my parents house for awhile. We got to chat with my mom and then my sister joined us when she came over later. It was a good time.

My mother, father, sister, her boyfriend and myself went out to dinner. It was nice. We talked and laughed and just had a good time. I was called cultured. That was pretty cool. But then they started teasing me about my old nickname, which I will not be disclosing at this time. The whole time we were sitting there, I was looking out the glass wall at the clouds. They were moving really fast and looked really cool, until they turned black. Eventually they were right over us and a dust devil formed in the parking lot across the street. It only lasted 15 or so seconds, but it was pretty cool. Thunder, wind, pouring rain. It was a big storm. I was nervous. I always get nervous around storms. Not even my two drinks could calm me down. Yeah, I love watching them, but from a little bit of a distance. This was right over us.

For her birthday, my father gave my mother a vacation. But she couldn't go alone. And he couldn't afford to go with her. They needed someone who can afford to go and who my mother wouldn't mind spending a couple of days with...me. My dad asked me yesterday if I would be so kind as to vacation with her. I said of course. But later when thinking about it, I realized I would have to give up my trip to New York to do so. I can afford two vacations, but I don't want to spend that money. And I don't have that much time off work. So... unless my mom decides that she wants to go to New York, looks like I'll have to wait another year.

When I got home, P and C were soaking wet and laughing merrily. They went out on the balcony and played I guess. McGovern was there too and apologized to me for it. Now it's really starting to bother me that he thinks I hate him. As long as he isn't there for days at a time, I'm ok.

My sister was supposed to call me last night and we were going to hang out. But she didn't. So I ended up falling asleep on the couch at 10 while waiting for her. I woke up and jumped into bed at 11. I woke up and changed into pjs at 1. I woke up for no reason at 3. I woke up for no reason at 6. I didn't wake up for my alarm at 7. I didn't wake up for my alarm at 7:10. I woke up at 7:20 for no reason. Then I realized I had no clothes, threw some pants on, ran to my parents (because my laundry was over there) and grabbed a clean shirt.

It's been a long day and I still haven't even looked at my work yet. I suppose I should tho. I hate advertising.

Oh, in case that wasn't interesting enough, read this

Noah Hathaway. Remember him?? I had the biggest crush on him... And if this is him now (on the left)... wow

Yesterday. was. boring.

After work, I was supposed to go over to D's after work and see her new haircut. I really meant to, but then realized that waiting one more day to see it wouldn't kill her. Why should I care about a haircut? She didn't even call me on my birthday and I'm to rush over there in anticipation? I think not my friend. So I went straight to my parents to get my mail.

On the way there however, Shawn called me up and we got into a fight. Just because I sounded depressed and bitchy and wouldn't tell him why. Silly right? Well, I was depressed and was being bitchy because I didn't want to talk about it. So we cancled our plans and said we would talk another time. I started crying. I know I'm a big baby.

At my parents, they knew I wasn't doing too well, so they invited me to hang out for a while. I almost did, but instead was going to go home and sleep. As soon as I left, Shawn called. He appologized and we made plans again. He had to get his hair cut and dyed, so I went with. Then we hung out at his house. He kept trying to get me to go to the club, but I wasn't having it. I really wanted to, but knew that I needed sleep. You've got to be responsible every once in awhile, ya know?

Today is my mother's birthday. Happy Birthday to her. I think I'm going to try and get the afternoon off. She likes the movie I just got, so I might head over there and watch it with her. That would be pretty cool. I miss my parents.

I just typed a really honest post. I made myself see me. But because I am at work, in walks my boss and I close the window immediately which causes me to lose everything. I feel like if I try to recreate it, it's going to be false. It's funny tho. Well, not really. But every time I've tried to talk about this problem, something has happened to make me shut up. Maybe it's a sign that I'm supposed to suffer without any help. The universe is plotting against me and now I'm paranoid as well as depressed.

I accomplished my only goal for last night...and then I partied.

C and I went swimming. That was my goal, all day I kept visualizing me swimming laps. Oh it was so nice. We went to this hotel in town and for $5 got to use their pool, sauna and jacuzzi for as long as we wanted. Rock on. We stayed for about 2 hours. I taught C a little bit of how to swim, but she managed fine. It was a good time hanging out with her again. We talked, we laughed, we ... talked. Good times all around. And I really can't wait to do it again.

We went back to my apartment and chilled for a bit. I hit play on the vcr and Clueless happened to be in. So C watched that while I showered and got ready for bed. We finished watching that and then P, C and I sat and talked. It was pretty cool. It's been a long time since that has happened.

I called my sister to tell her that I had her movie and would like mine back. Her fiancee (W) answers the phone and invites me over. When he invites me over it means one thing. . .fleckner fleckner - smoke. (this isn't a episode of Jerry Springer). So I get dressed again and drive on over. I catch up a bit with my sister. W gives me two shirts that he stole from his place of employment. We basically waste time until Em, B and the Crustation get there. Once they do, it's into the smoking room. Ok, I know when I go over there to smoke, there is going to be a lot. Well, there was a lot plus some last night. We spent a half hour smoking and a half hour throwing foam balls at each other in the dark. Quite entertaining. After that was finished, I had to go home and they went to Denny's. I was asleep by two.

The end.

ps I took the site counter off. Too distracting.

pps this guy is funny

I woke up this morning without hearing an alarm at 6:50. I got up, closed the curtains, laid back down and thought "man am I glad it's Sunday, I feel like shit." Then I realized that yesterday was Sunday and that would make today...I don't even want to say it.

Friday - I picked up D's little kid and took him home with me. It's amazing. I haven't seen him in a month or so but he still knows me and doesn't cry when I hold him. In fact, I had to hold him for more than an hour when we first got back to my apartment cause he was scared of the new place. P and McGovern were there and ready to laugh at me when I didn't know how to change a diaper. What? I don't have a kid, I've never babysat.

McGovern and I actually got into a pretty big fight. Like normal everyday talk, we were a bit snippy to each other. I started it. I admit. But he said something along the lines of "You just want a man to tell you what to do." I freaked out on him. That is not something you say to someone. We (P was a bit shocked at that one) were about ready to kick him out. But I played with the baby a bit and calmed down. When the kid's grandparents called at 8:30 and were ready to take him, I dropped him off and drove to Shawn's. We chilled, smoked and talked. He worked from midnight until 8 in the morning, so I went home and got ready for SixFlags.

Saturday - I woke up at 7. Good Lord, I never get to sleep in. But Shawn didn't even get to sleep so... anyway. I met C at the groccery store for donuts and capri sun. I also picked up the tickets for the amusement park. We made plans to go to the lake Sunday and bid each other farewell. I sped my ass to Shawn's house. From there we sped our asses to Gurnee. Of course we didn't get there until 12. Then we stood in line for 2 hours to ride Superman. Yay for that. You sat down on the seat like a normal ride, but after you were strapped in, the seats flipped up so you were looking straight down. And then, on the first big flip, you are near the ground and on your back. It's cool as hell.

We spent most of the day standing in lines. For parking, to get in, for rides, for water, for more rides. We were there 8 hours and went on Superman, the Giant Drop, Raging Bull, the Demon, Vertical Velocity and the Giant Drop again. Fun, but way too long of lines. Most were an hour. On the big sign out front it even read "Park Crowded, Please Visit Another Day."

We left around 9. Shawn was close to falling asleep. But he said if he smoked that he would wake up. Umm, last time I checked, that isn't how it worked. But oh well, we smoked. After that was put out, he was really looking like he was falling asleep. So I drove. That's right, he couldn't let me drive sober, but I got to drive his car when I was baked. Scary. So while he was snoozing in the passenger seat, I was trying to figure out how I got on I894 bypass when I was trying to be on I94. Everything worked out, but it sucked to say the least. I thought I didn't have any adrenaline left but I was mistaken.

When we got to Shawn's, he told me to stay cause he didn't want to drive all the way to my house and he wanted to hang out. So I threw my contacts in some bottle caps and agreed. We smoked more and eventually passed out.

Sunday (sigh) - What a long weekend it already was...I woke up at 10. Woke Shawn up and told him I was leaving. He was supposed to get up and take a shower while I went to my parents and start my laundry, then we were going to go swimming. I did go start my laundry. Then P and I wanted to go to the lake. So when I told Shawn this, he got a little upset. He's a big fan of doing things his way. Who isn't? So he said he was going to stay at home. Oh well. P and I went out to the lake, which was packed full of people. The water was nasty and P has this great fear of seaweed, so we didn't stay long. Instead we went to a hotel and paid $5 each to swim. Laps baby!!!

After swimming we went back to my parents and I finished my laundry. Shawn came over and we went back to my apartment. But in the parking lot, P locked her keys in her car. So we were really locked out. My parents have a spare key, so all Shawn needed to do was run me back over to my parents' and we were in. He got mad tho, that I wouldn't let him climb up the balcony and open the screen door. So to resolve the issues (after getting inside) we smoked. Oh my goodness, it's crazy. I don't know if I like it when Shawn has herb cause when it's mine, I can control how often we smoke. Sure, you may say "oh you could pass if you want" and to that I say nope. It's much easier for everyone if I just indulge. Plus it's fun.

We went and rented House of 1000 Corpses. It was total insanity. And ridiculous. I'm really glad I didn't go see that in the theater. After that, P went and showered, Shawn was "resting, not sleeping" on the couch and I went into my room and listened to Linkin Park's new cd I just purchased. I'm very pleased with it by the way, thanks for asking. I really like Faint and Breaking the Habit.

So here I am on Monday morning, there I said it. It's Monday. And who knows what's going to happen today...

So we have a stalker. By we, I mean he has my phone number but wants to talk to P. He called me 5 times at work yesterday. I keep my cellie on silent so my boss doesn't find out that I occasionally take calls whilest at work. This stalker I'm talking about...McGovern. P realized last night, when I was telling her the excessive amount of phone calls I received, that she never should have slept with him. Duh. P wants a F*ck buddy. He is clearly not the type of guy who can handle that relationship.

And tho he's a nice enough guy, even if he tries a bit too hard, he's really annoying right now. I like him even less because the only time he has ever really seen/talked to me, I've been in a bad mood so he thinks I'm a bitch. Because he already knows me as a bitch, it's easier to be bitchy around him.

He's doing a bit better today. Even tho because of him, I state on my voicemail that I am, in fact, at work from the hours of 8 to 5, Monday thru Friday he still called today at 3:30.

Ok, out of curiosity I put a site counter on here the day before yesterday I think. Pretty sure that's it anway. And it shows that I have 30 hits. Yet only one person left a comment. Granted it could be that one person over and over again, but I don't think I'm so important to Indigo that he needs to check my site 30 times in two days. But he is cute, so I wouldn't mind if he did feel that particular need. So...my question is who else is out there?

Why is it that anything I plan never works out? People bail out, events are cancled. Things just are never meant to be for me. Needless to say, we did not go to the club last night.

W called me up and said he had some smoke and wanted to come over for a bit. So P and I scrambled to get ready...well I did cause I wasn't going to do it later if W was here. He walked in and handed me a bag from Hot Topic and said it was for me. It was a cute shirt. Soon to become my favorite shirt cause it's so comfy and cute and bitchy. He left and so did we (after P finished getting ready, that girl takes forever!).

We were supposed to meet Shawn at a gas station at 8:30. He calls us up while we're driving across town and says he's not sure he wants to go cause his friends cancled. Ours did too. So we said forget it and went to a movie. American Wedding. It is so cute! I could go on and on but I won't. I know right now tho, that I want to see Scary Movie 3. The previews look hillarious. Especially the Michael Jackson swearing frantically that he didn't touch this guy's child because "It's a Girl!"

At home, I took a quick shower and walked out to hear P and Shawn talking about them fighting. As soon as I walked in the room, they stopped. I said something about it and they said it was kind of a private conversation. I walked out, at first just kind of annoyed, but then I thought about it a bit. They have had no problems talking shit about each other all week to me, explaining all their problems and expecting me to sympathize. But when they actually make up, they want it to be a private thing? Screw that. I wasn't trying to show how much it got to me, cause it really was silly. But P just pushes my buttons (on purpose) when I'm angry and she doesn't know/understand why, so she asked if I was going to be pissed off all night because of that. I told her the whole bitch-to-me theory and it kinda shut them both up. They realized they were if not wrong, a little rude. It took about 10 minutes for all of us to forgive/forget.

Well, since I didn't plan tomorrow's trip maybe it'll actually work out. Shawn and I are going to six flags in illinois. Anyone want to meet us there? Shawn had this plan all worked out in his head of what rides we'll hit and when. I find it quite humorous. I won't be laughing on the Big Drop. I hate that ride and love it at the same time. It's the only one that still scares me. But I did face my fears enough to go on it alone last year (C wouldn't do it). This year, it's me and Shawn. Cause it's the only ride that scares him too.

I supposedly meeting Ryan in JanesVegas somewhere to give him the money for the plane ticket. Yay for that! It means that I will actually go. Even if I end up going alone (Scary!!) I'm going to New York.

In other news I just dropped my lotion so it hit my desk and sprayed all over my wall. It looks like Ron Jeremy has been in here, looking up old videos of himself.

Until last night, I never understood how people could say they have no time for themselves. I always try to make me time...well, even if me time is with other people. But last night I spent 4 hours doing stuff that needed to be done or for someone else.

Right when I got home, P asked me to do the dishes. She cleaned the living room and bathroom, so I didn't have a problem with it. (we do that all the time, the "I-cleaned-this-so-you-clean-that"). After doing dishes, my phone beeped reminding me that I had to visit Toast. Well, shit. Ok sister, I won't be over. Ok D, I'm gonna be late. So I filled out applications for P until I had to leave. I got there right on time...which is late. I had to wait a half hour to see him.

Waiting was interesting. I read a bit of my book, but also observed the other visitors. I feel so white trash sometimes...but that's nothing. There were two older women and two ladies my age. The older women: one had a white tee shirt, black denim jeans that weren't black any more, too much jewerly and black pumps. The other one had a tank top on with no bra, short-shorts and too much make up. They seemed nice enough, it's just my middleclass attitude. Please know that I would never do or say anything to make them feel bad about anything and may befriend them if I see them again. It was just a total sterotype in my mind. The girls my age...well, both were bleach blonde. One was prego and the other had two kids. One was a little baby, maybe a month old and the other was a four year old terror, on a leash. This kid was crazy! When she let go of the leash, he would run around kicking her, hitting other people "on accident" and screaming. It was all so depressing I laughed out loud. Then my time talking with Toast was cut short because there were so many people there. Fuck you, you stupid jail. 44 days and the kid still doesn't know what he's going to do. He's my friend and all, but there isn't anyway I can help him. I can barely pay rent and my stupid apartment doesn't allow guests for more than two nights at a time unless I give notice/more money.

After that, I went over to D's. She had already put my beautiful godson, whom I haven't seen in a couple of months, to bed. So we watched cartoons. We were going to watch a movie, but she asked if I wanted to do it another night. We've both grown past each other so I don't know if there really will be another night. I agreed and left.

At home I filled out more applications for P and made dinner. By that time it was 9 and I gave up. I ate my pizza and watched About a Boy while C and P watched Harry Potter in P's room. McGovern called while I was watching my movie. I ignored it the first time (P did not want to talk/see him), then went to answer it the second sounding extra sleeping. I never said I was sleeping, so I didn't lie. He just assumed. He asked if tonight or tomorrow was a good time to come over and I said that P's parents were visiting (lie!) and she would be with them tomorrow. He sounded sad, but oh well. After I got off the phone, P was very thankful and told me that I didn't lie, her parents were in town! Yay! I hate lying.

P was craving a cigarette...I haven't smoked since Saturday when I clearly drank and smoked too much, so I gave her one of mine and sat outside with her. Once out there, we noticed a certain smell: Twaflé or in lamens terms, pot. We commented and giggled about how it wasn't us for once when from beneath us a neighbors asks us if we indulge. Damn, they caught us. We replied to the affirmative and had a little conversation with our neighbor and his friend (both older...mid 30's).

After C (who didn't really talk to me at all) left, P and I stretched and had silly conversation. Like normal. I showered and went to bed. Before midnight even...by 5 minutes.

The plan last night was to go to Madtown with C and P and hang out with my JanesVegas friend who now lives there. We were going to get ice cream from the Chocolate Shoppe and drink Blue Moon Pale Ale (well, I wasn't going to, but they could indulge). It didn't happen in the slightest. I got home from work and no one was there. So I laid on the couch and tried to sleep. I had just managed to fall asleep when Shawn called. I told him all I knew and then he said he would call me back. So I tried to sleep again. P calls. She's at my parent's house and will be home soon. Ok. Tried to sleep again. Ryan calls to ask if I'm going to the club and to expand on NY plans. Five seconds after I hung up with him, Shawn called back. We talked for two minutes and then hung up. I was just getting to sleep again when P got home. It was hell. I just wanted to sleep!

Shawn and C came over. P and C talked and hung out, Shawn and I talked and hung out. I hate that. P and Shawn did get along ok tho. They talked about the movie Chicago (which ticked me off cause I haven't seen it and don't want to hear about it until I do). They also talked about people they used to know in the town they both grew up in (which ticked me off cause it totally excluded me from the conversation). So I walked away both times and didn't worry about having to break up a fight. I'm sick of being the referee.

After Shawn left, I just got pissed off and depressed. I don't think Shawn had anything to do with it. It was just a huge mood swing. I took a shower and just got more and more upset. When I got out, I wasn't quite crying but close. Kasey called I told her I'd call her back. I talked with P and C a bit while getting ready for bed...but talking isn't what it was. It was more like... wanting to talk about it, but couldn't. Once I did manage to say more, I knew I was going to cry so I went to my room and let go. P came in after a few minutes and held me. We talked a bit. I tried to explain, but she doesn't really understand. I don't understand.

I have this fear of not being good enough for people. And because of that, they don't need me and will eventually leave me when they find something better. When I start to have these thoughts, I can look at them and say, "geeze, don't be so paranoid Kelly. You are a good person, blah blah blah" to try and make myself see how stupid these thoughts are. But they just keep coming so I do start to doubt myself. Then I talk myself into thinking that no one cares, friendship is easily thrown away and I'm all alone. So I get hella depressed and stay that way for a little while. Usually by going to sleep, it'll be gone in the morning. But it always comes back.

Shawn called while I was trying to explain this to P. We didn't really talk. After I hung up with him, I called Kasey back. We got each other caught up on our lives a bit. It was really cool that she called. I think she needs to go to school in Wisconsin, who's with me?

Why isn't this working?

So last night...I don't care. I'm sick of the tension at home. Shawn and P aren't getting along right now. He calls her a bitch, she calls him a bitch, he calls her a slut, she calls him a hypocrite. I'm sick of it. Two of my best friends are tearing me apart. They aren't talking to each other and I have to play messenger. It's stupid. I thought they could act like reasonable adults. But nope. Supposedly Shawn wants to sit down and have a nice long talk...ha. Nice - that's a bunch of bs. I'm so afraid they are going to talk, but instead of listening and seeing from the other persons point of view, they'll just blow up. And by them I mean Shawn. P can handle it, we've been thru some times and I know that she's reasonable. But he's so emotional and sensitive (but still bitchy, don't get me wrong) that a little complaint about him could set him off for a week long drama show. It's hard enough to deal with my friends when then have issues, but when they have issues with each other...who am I supposed to go to for help when I can't handle it all?

Lately, when I talk I feel like Mr. Pockets when South Park did Great Expectations.

Friday - I got home and Final Destination 2 was on. Again. I about screamed. Instead I went into my room and laid on my bed for a long time. Shawn came in and we talked and wrestled and just hung out. I felt much better then. My sister who was in town stopped by and smoked us up. It was a good time. Her and her boyfriend left right away so Shawn and I went and rented some xbox games. I finally got to play Halo. He had to work at midnight so after he left, I think I went to bed...oh C came over before he left and we watched Memento. Good movie...sorta.

Saturday - Shawn, P and I went out the lake around 9 and paddled around. We swam a bit...lovely. We dropped Shawn off at our apartment and then went to walmart. Made our purchases and then came home to find Shawn already showered and passed out on the living room floor. We both got clean and I watched Twin Falls Idaho. Sad. But happy? Shawn woke up and we played Halo. S and Pammy came over. They ordered Chinese. The delivery guy took over my game for a bit while I ate. S and Pammy left. Shawn fell asleep again so I went and passed out in P's bed (it's really soft). P came in and woke me up at 11. We laid in bed and talked until 11:40, realized in order to get booze we needed to get there before 12, hurried and got ready and then sped our asses to the liquor store. We picked up a case of Mike's Hard Lemonade, a case of Smirnoff Triple Black and a case of Bud. Bleck. Then we drove on out to S's.

No one was there. Eventually tho, people started showing up and there was a party around a fire. Nice. A dance party even. I saw two people I hadn't seen in a long time. I was called attractive withing 10 minutes of being there. I used my charms to have whatever I wanted played. Of couse I used this power for the good of all. But a night of drinking, smoking and dancing after not sleeping, drinking water or resting finally caught up to me and I almost passed out (fainted). So S and P set me up rather nicely behind some trees with a couple of blankets and pillows, bread and a cup of water. I got bit by a shit ton of mosquitos before I thought it would be a good idea to pull the blanket over my head. I was woken up 2 hours later by the blanket being ripped off of me and my sweatshirt throw at me. I guess I had been talking and said I didn't want to get up cause it was too cold. I was sober. P was sober(ish). Becky was not sober. So P driving Becky's car, followed someone else to Becky's house. I followed all of them and P came home with me. Right when we did get home, McGovern calls my phone and askes if I'll be awake to let him in (he's sorry he woke me up but with my job and all, he thought I would be up). I handed the phone to P and retired to my bedroom at the ripe time of 5:53am.

Sunday - I woke up at 11:00 when C called. I answered the phone and she told me I wasn't supposed to do that. So I hung up and when she called back she left a voice mail. I laid in bed for a bit and then realized that it was a waste. I got up and cleaned. First the zen room and the living room. Then off to my parents to pick up my laundry. I washed a load of P's clothes and then folded some of my parent's. I watched some tv and returned home. I cleaned my room and the bathroom. I even picked up the kitchen a bit (even tho I wasn't going to cause P has to clean something!). After cleaning all that, I laid on my bed and read my book. The Family. Ryan called. Outta no where. It was great, he invited me to New York. In October. It was like a dream come true (except he's not straight). Damn. Anyway, I said yes as calm as I could. We're going to see if anyone else wants to go.

McGovern and P finally exited slumberland and returned to the real world around 2. We watched Trainspotting. Oh yeah baby. A bit of a nasty, depressing movie but pretty good (you get to see Ewan McGregor nekkid). Shawn called and asked me to come over, I agreed. McGovern left when P and I went to my parents. Well, I dropped her off and then went home and showered. I realized that I couldn't go over to Shawn's cause C's Partylite thing was that night. So I kept trying to get ahold of him but couldn't. Back over to my parents I went. P and I watched tv until my parents got there (along with an uncle who doesn't talk and aunt who doesn't shut up). My dad was a bit of an ass so I went downstairs where P was and we talked until my mother came down and invited us to dinner. We declined, but we did go to the store with her. After that we went home. Yay for home. I was asleep at 9:30.

Ok, this might sound really weird, but this is the coolest cd I've heard in a while... no one ever said I was normal.

I was reading this post on Edie's blog about some hillarious guy that she's going to go on a date with who has this uber-interesting life. Well, the cynic in me came out and I immediately thought of how this guy will prolly need all the attention on him all the time like my ex, E. Which let me to think about it all....that fuckin sucked.

He was so horrible! He really did need all the attention on him. He got along well with most people and failed to see how much of a joke he was to them. I didn't see it until later. My bad. But he would tell me that in anything we did together, he would win and the only way I would win is if he let me. He wasn't just talking about games either. He was talking about conversation, emotions, life... I can't believe I never saw it before. Well, I saw it and thought that it was just his way of keeping an ego if a girl beat him. But that is so totally not cool. And he really did need all the attention showered on him. If he didn't feel he was getting enough he would walk up to random strangers and start a conversation.

Now my other ex, J is showing interest in me. Asking me to go dancing with him, calling me up to talk...I don't know. I broke up with him cause I didn't like him enough. And also because of E.

What I want to know is, why can't I get the guy I want? Why do I have to settle for the guys that I seem to attract? After not receiving any attention from guys for a long time, these guys just seem to show up and take advantage without knowing how desperate I'm feeling. So I end up with these nasty guys. Don't get me wrong, I'm friends with all my exes pretty much except E, but they aren't exactly the best looking/smartest guys. So...I'm stuck with the nice but not fun/exciting/attractive guys. My standard fall thru after a complete lack of attention. And I don't get that either. I mean I'm cute enough. Granted I'm not a supermodel or anything, but I'm cute. And I'm told I have a great personality. So what the fuck?

Bring it

Ok for a week straight I keep forgetting my notebook at home and it's killing me. See, I'm a big fan of writing stuff down. Random thoughts and just...writing words. Well, I have a notebook that I write it all in and it's pretty! Well, the cover is plain blue, but the paper is stationary that I glue in after I write on it. Well, I have the stationary here that I am writing on, but I have nothing on which I could glue the writing or the pictures I have. So it's not that big of a deal...but I miss it.

I got home and that guy was still there. I guess he'll be around for a while too so I can give him name I guess. Let's call him...McGovern. Well, when P asked me right away how I slept... anyway. P and M left. They were going drinking or some such nonsense. Shawn came over. McGovern stayed there. He watched Final Destination 2 and we talked a bit. He left after 2.5 hours. Finally. I mean don't get me wrong, he's a cool guy, but I just wanted to be in my house and not have to worry about anyone else. Shawn doesn't count.

Shawn and I hung out. Smoked, shopped, watched a movie and talked and talked and talked. Just had a fun night together. And yes Joe, he is hot...I told him and he said thanks (while grinning like a fool). Flattery will get you everywhere.

So I wake up this morning and Shawn isn't in bed. But he walks in and someone else walks out of the bathroom. I ask him who it was and he said P. I wasn't expecting them back so it was a little strange. M was on the couch and while I was getting ready, McGovern rang the door.

All I want is my apartment to myself someday. It never happens anymore. There is always someone there. It drives me a little insane but...what can you do? I can't kick P's guests out and I don't want to kick my guests out (when they're there - Shawn doesn't count). Shawn is like the unofficial roommate. He even said he would start paying rent even tho he knows that he can only stay there two nights a week. But if he did, he said that he would have to be able to have in the house: Emperor's New Groove, vodka and sex. P and I hid our copies of ENG cause Shawn watched it every day. We've already done that two summers ago. So...nah. Vodka isn't allowed cause it makes both P and myself puke. Well, me not really unless it's blue uv. I hate that stuff. Sex cause...ain't no one getting laid in our house unless it's us. And right now its P who's getting all the action. That bitch.

I went and saw Toast again last night. Man I hate going to that place. I never thought seafoam green was so hideous until it was painted on cinderblocks. Ugh. He gets out soon tho...like 50 days. Ok 49 now. He has no plans still...except to get drunk once he's out "cause man...I just have to get drunk." I don't think his parents are letting him live with them again, so he has no place to live and no job. I'm thinkin he might have to work on that.

So I went to sleep at 4:30 the other night right? Well, P and C didn't go to bed. When I got home from work, P was hanging out playing atari with some guy we know from Perkin's. We talked a bit, then I left and they slept. When I got back, I read/slept on the couch for a half hour until the door buzzed. I crawled to answer it cause I have no energy at all. It was C.

We put in Requiem for a Dream and right when I first heard the music I was already depressed. Everything is going so right for everyone...then nothing. I dunno. The guy tried to be talking while I was watching it and I got a little bitchy. Whoops, I appologized later. After I got done crying and snotting all over myself.

Oh that movie. If you haven't seen it and you don't mind getting depressed for a little bit, watch this movie. But don't watch it alone!! I was damn near suicidial after watching this the first time. But really I would highly recommend it.

The greatest and best game in the world. Or just a fun way to waste time.

I. feel. like. crap. I slept a meager 2.5 hours this morning. My fault, well...Shawn fault too. He didn't even get to my house until 3:30. Ah hell.

So after work I went home with the intention of grabbing my suit and then finding somewhere to swim some laps. Well, I made it home...then P was all dressed up and bored. She really really wanted to go to the club. Eventually, C and I agreed to go. So P was wearing a black dress with the playboy bunnie symbol. She looked hella slutty. C wore pants with zippers and suspenders hanging down and a fairey shirt. She looked hella punk. I wore black pants that lace up to the knee with cheeta print, a black shirt and cat ears. I looked hella hot. All in all it was a fun time. We'll see about pictures.

We went to Clay's/Joey's/Matt's/Derrick's house first. Joey was in drag. He looked fucking great. Clay looked all studious with his glasses. Matt and Derrick just looked their normal cute selves.

At the club there was minor drama due to an accident we may or may not have been involved in. But no worries, everything got straightened out and hopefully everything is ok. Hopefully. After that was put behind us tho, we had fun.

I got to see an exboyfriend from elementary years.
I got to see a lot of friends.
I met a couple new people.
I could have been 21.

Yeah, P forgot her license. I was going to use my sisters, but P used it instead. They look nothing alike. So the stupid bitch got to drink, again, like she does every week and I didn't. I'm not too bitter about it tho. There is always next week.

After we dropped JoSHUA off at his house, I totally passed out. I wouldn't have even woken up once I got home except my phone rang while C was trying to wake me up. It was Shawn. I had been trying to call him all day cause I thought he worked at 12, but no, he worked until 12. We talked for 20 minutes and then he decided he would come over. I did invite him, but he wasn't going to come cause he's it was late and we both work the next day (me at 8, him at 4...hmmm). But he did come over. And we had a lot, a lot of fun.

We made up sign language. We talked of times gone by. We talked about the future. We talked about us. We talked and laughed and laughed and laughed. All sorts of things were said. I wrote a bunch down, but haven't read it yet. Smooth.

Ok the first time I wrote "smooth" I wrote "smother"

Moral of the story, I didn't get to bed until 4:30 am. I woke up at 7. I'm in hell. I was going to take some effedrin, but nope. Not healthy.

Let me tell you a story. There once was a girl named Kelly. She grew up in a mostly happy home. Then her oldest sister started to get into trouble. She would stay out late, skip school, smoke cigarettes and maybe even *gasp* marijuana. Little Kelly saw the heartbreak this caused her parents. One time, after the oldest sister got put in juvinile for a night and the father broke down in front of the family, Kelly vowed she would never hurt her parents like that.

Flash forward 10 years. Kelly is all grown up and living with her best friend. She's changed much since we've last seen her. She smokes, drinks and gets high. Outside, she looks fine, inside she is racked with guilt. Letting people down, not fulfilling their expectations makes her feel as if she isn't good enough. But she has so many different problems that worring about drinking and smoking just don't seem as important. Now there is the pressure added in from working, paying bills and trying to keep everyone happy. And then Kelly realizes that in order to pay all her bills, she's going to have to get a second job.

Her roommate remarked about how much she is actually drinking and smoking. Which happens to be a lot. Kelly nodded her head and appeared to forget what was said, but she thought about it for a long time. She knew she should give up the demon marijuana, but just couldn't seem to let it go. Life had gotten bland without it. Because when all there is is reality, people will do anything to escape.

So what is Kelly going to do?

Hey I'm back. It was a long, long weekend.

Friday - When I got home, P was cleaning and Shawn was watching a movie. I was bored and needed to go to Walmart, so I called my mother up and asked if she would like to accompany me. She was on the phone with my sister (F), so I went and picked my mother up and then F and her fiancee (W) up too. While the girls all shopped, W got his hair cut. We talked a little bit about leaving in the morning on Saturday and they told me to be packed and ready. I got home, smoked and watched Final Destination 2 with Shawn and P. Wow, if you don't like gory movies...this is not for you.

I get a call at 10. It was W asking if I could be ready to leave that night. I said sure and we left at 11:15. The drive took forever! At least I didn't have to sit next to the other guy that came with us. I dislike a lot of people. In fact, there are only three that I can't think of right now. But I really really really dislike this other guy that came with us. Anyway, I ended up passing out for a bit, a huge no-no for the person in the passenger seat. Oh well. When we got to Bloomington, MN they woke me up. Most of the hotels were booked but we managed to get a room. No, a suite. The Presidential Suite. Oh yeah baby. Room 1501 and 1505 at the Grand Hotel. Beautiful...I'll have pics soon.

Saturday - we spent the day at the mall. duh. I spent too much money, but it was fun. We left around 5. Mischelle and I went swimming...STORY! (prolly not a good one but...) I got a new swimsuit. I just bought one, but left it at home cause...I just did. I now have the swimsuit of my dreams! And it was only $60. Ouch. Oh well. After swimming and showering, F and I met the guys at the bar in the hotel. W bought us all a shot and damn...they didn't have shot glasses so we ended up drinking about a double the way she poured it. Free Margarita for me! Then off to Ihops. Yum. We got the entire crew to chant a happy birthday rhyme-y thing to the crustation. He was embarrassed. Funny! We invited the host at Ihop to come hang out with us but that never happened...our fault. Back at the hotel, we had another drink and then went up to the room. It was insane the room we had. Beautiful. We sat around this huge table passing a pipe around. Then we realized it would be easier if we just sat in the huge comfy chairs in the living room around the coffee table. Yay. There was a bit of drama that night...F and W had to have a little fight, it wouldn't be vacation without it.

Sunday - Woke up, ate, went to the mall for a couple of hours...left and came home. We meant to go to the casino but...oh well. Once home, I unpacked, showered, passed out on the couch...F and W came over and we smoked. A lot. Shawn and P got there, they smoked. We all watched Final Destination 2. Gory. Again.

Oh the things I saw at the mall. Live Abercrombie & Fitch Models. Fucking hot. Instead of a six pack stomach, he had like an 8 pack. It was crazy mad the muscles that boy had. We got our pictures taken with Charlie Brown and the gang and I think Linus was trying to hit on me...he kept putting his blanket over my shoulder. Hmmm. I rode a roller coaster inside a building...not a very good one but still. We played hack in this huge hallway that went no where and did nothing. Just a hallway. Don't ask me why, but that was cool. Oh well. I'll write more later...maybe

CB came up from his town last night. Only an hour and a half away. We were all planning on going to steel drum concert, but we couldn't find it. I think we had the time wrong, but C insisted it was 7. So we went back to my house and smoked. They made fun of my buckteeth (which I do not have by the way) and I made fun of P dressing like a slut. Oh, and a bruise on her face improving upon her looks. Big discussion on how much of a bitch I used to be.

Later we went to Kitchen. I left at 11:30. Surprise! I fell asleep around midnight, but not before calling P and making sure she had her keys. She said she did, so I locked up and passed out.

I wake up at 4:30 in the morning when CB calls me up and says that everyone is sitting outside my door cause P didn't have her keys. Ummm. They got in the building, but I locked the door. So I got up and let them in. They put in Final Destination 2 and made some noise (those bastards!), so it was a while before I could pass out again. Shawn woke me up when he came to bed, but that was ok cause he was comfortable. I remember sorta waking up while rolling over in bed and we ended up face to face and just passed out like that. I've never slept like that. I'm glad he's one of my bestest friends.

I woke up this morning and CB was on my couch. Hmmm. Ok. He's my friend anyway. Well, he started out as my friend. It was really cool. Last night he admitted that he used to have a huge crush on me when we were kids. Flattery will get you everywhere. Even onto my couch. And I have a great couch.

So I'm leaving town this weekend. I am really excited. Granted it's only to Minnesota, but damn, it's out of town. This is like my vacation, cause I only have to pay $30 for two days and a night at the Mall of America. Now, I'm all about getting back to the country on vacation. Or the beach. But I'll take what I can get cause lately, damn, I need to get away from the town and everyone. And of course Shawn is being a little shit and saying that they're going to Six Flags while I'm gone. Remember I wanted to go on my birthday? I get pissed if he even alludes to it. Yeah, I'm selfish like that. But yay for somewhere else!

On a side note...I really need to put everything away after using the smoking room. I've gotten into the bad habit of leaving everything out. Not good when you forget and request your mother to go over and make sure your roommate paid rent.

On another side note...my roommate really needs to get a phone.