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Thursday, September 25, 2003

The calm before the storm 

So I think I'm about to get really depressed again. This is how it works, I'm fine for awhile a month or so, in fact, I'm usually really super. But then things get quiet, boring and I get sad. Well, no, not sad. Just apathetic. I feel like nothing bothers me, nothing causes a reaction. Excepting, of course, my self worth drops through the floor. I'll spare you the tales of my fucked up childhood, cause I don't think it has anything to do with that. I'm just a little messed up like most everyone else in the world.

You know what it's like when you have a really scary dream? You wake up with a start, your heart is beating out of your chest and you're sure whatever caused you such fear is just going to reach out and get you? But the next day when you're telling your friend about it, it just seems really silly and all you can say was "it was really scary in my dream." To me, being depressed is like a bad dream. I just sit, terrified and wait to wake up. When the sun finally comes up, I see that the zombie standing by the wall was just my bathrobe and shadows, so I can put the suicide attempts on hold. When I go to tell someone, it just seems like a dark dream that dissolved when the sun came up. I feel silly. Sure it was really scary in my dream, but how likely is it that the zombie would actually come to get me? If I seek someone out while still sleeping, it's like prolonging the nightmare.

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