Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Paranoia
I was fine. Driving home, minding my own business when suddenly an icy hand grips my heart and I realize I didn't check the backseat before I got in the car. Something done from habit, formed before I had my license. This time there would be someone there. Too afraid to look, I could just feel the mysterious shadow back there moving around quietly, trying to get into a better position to attack. The air was thick and I could hardly breath. I fought hard with panic, pushing it down before it became unreasonable. Finally I got up the nerve to turn around and look. There was nothing there.
When I got home, I grabbed my stuff and walked to the door in no hurry. I made myself stop at the mailbox inside the building and get the mail. To prove I still had control. When I walked into my apartment, I looked around for P. She wasn't there. I ran a bath and relaxed. The neighbor was running water too. Suddenly I could hear voices. Assuming P was watching a movie, I called out and wondered why she didn't answer. I wondered if I was hearing the noises in my head. I decided I didn't know and would find out eventually anyway. The neighbor turned off the water and the voices stopped.
I looked over at the wall and saw a spider. I managed to stay calm. But I emptied the bath and ran a shower, the whole time never taking my eyes off it. I got a little cocky and turned my back on it a couple of time. Then one time I turned to check on it and it was gone. Feeling it creep down my back and at the same time, crawl up my leg, I turned circles under the water trying to loose it.
Finishing up my shower, I head to my bedroom and get dressed quickly. Returning to the bathroom, I brush my hair, teeth and floss, ignoring the shadows in the mirror. All I can think about is how much I want to pass out and not have to doubt my sanity tonight. Stop the world and let me get off. I finally get into bed. No longer letting anything in the environment enter my thoughts and just have inner monologue. I fall asleep rather quickly and don't wake up until morning.
When I got home, I grabbed my stuff and walked to the door in no hurry. I made myself stop at the mailbox inside the building and get the mail. To prove I still had control. When I walked into my apartment, I looked around for P. She wasn't there. I ran a bath and relaxed. The neighbor was running water too. Suddenly I could hear voices. Assuming P was watching a movie, I called out and wondered why she didn't answer. I wondered if I was hearing the noises in my head. I decided I didn't know and would find out eventually anyway. The neighbor turned off the water and the voices stopped.
I looked over at the wall and saw a spider. I managed to stay calm. But I emptied the bath and ran a shower, the whole time never taking my eyes off it. I got a little cocky and turned my back on it a couple of time. Then one time I turned to check on it and it was gone. Feeling it creep down my back and at the same time, crawl up my leg, I turned circles under the water trying to loose it.
Finishing up my shower, I head to my bedroom and get dressed quickly. Returning to the bathroom, I brush my hair, teeth and floss, ignoring the shadows in the mirror. All I can think about is how much I want to pass out and not have to doubt my sanity tonight. Stop the world and let me get off. I finally get into bed. No longer letting anything in the environment enter my thoughts and just have inner monologue. I fall asleep rather quickly and don't wake up until morning.
