Tuesday, December 30, 2003

I need to know what to expect 

I had being unprepared. I like knowing what's going to happen and I then I know I don't have to stress about anything...but I do anyway. It fucking sucks. I honestly think I'm going crazy sometimes. One of my biggest fears ever is that I have a mental disease and it just hasn't shown itself yet. How strange is that?

Work was so boring yesterday. I hate having nothing to do. Normally, I ration my work so I have something to do most of the day and I'm wasting time in between tasks...now I have no work to ration! It bothers me a lot.

Anyway, so I watched tv at my parent's while doing laundry yesterday. Fun times. tv. Ohhh. And Atari. And me and P just being stupid.

Sometimes Lion just pisses me off. AHH! Like when he borrows my sister's car for an extending period of time, not getting back in time to pick her up and using a half a tank of gas while at it. What an ass. No respect. Considering that he only had to go 20 miles, there and back...it should not have taken an hour and a half. Or that much gas. I'm thinkin he went out joyriding. Not cool. Especially because there was someone else with him.

And now tonight I have to go to the club with him. I was so dreading it because I thought I had to work tomorrow...but we're closed! I don't have to work at all! YAY!! So sleep...sleep...rest for the New Year. Tonight tho...hopefully Clay will come with me and I'll see a ton of people I know. Then I would have a blast.

I still don't know what I'm going to do. If I'll try to get into some strange bar or if I'll just chill out at my sister's.

Ok, good news everyone. I'm going to go see Linkin Park! Y A Y A Y A Y A Y A Y A Y A Y A Y A Y A Y A Y !!! I don't know who I'm going with yet, but I bought two tickets and am waiting to hear from anyone who wants to go. January 30th, 2004. It's a Friday. Which makes it even better...I'm going to try and get off work at 12, drive on down to Madtown and chill out. Yay! Mostly likely P will go with me, but if she can't afford it...I dunno. But I'm going!

More good news! Incubus has a video to their new single now. Megalomaniac. Check it out - I love them very much and hope you do too.

Ok, last night I went over to my sister's and hung out with her and her boyfriend. I kick ass at Nintendo. I fuckin owned. We played Bignose, Paperboy, Gyro (personal favorite) and various others. Strange, I did much better when I was sober.

Monday, December 29, 2003

Just one little thing 

So I slept a lot last night. I went to sleep at 9:15. That's really early. Go me.

And I'm not in a bad mood or anything. Just one thing is bothering me and that leads to a million other things that I don't want to think about but I do anyway. If there is one person who can fuck with my head it's Beppo. But I give up.

no i don't

Shawn came and visited me! We spent Saturday night and all of yesterday together. I miss that boy. It was really nice to see him again, but I hated it at the same time. Mostly because I had to guess what his reaction would be some stuff I said. Not meaningful stuff in the slightest. But like I would say some smart ass comment and then think, "man I hope he knows I'm kidding". Because we've spent months apart and I didn't know if everything was the same or not. They are pretty much.

We went and saw Return of the King. I think I shocked a couple of my friends by going. See, I tend to complain if anyone talks about any of the movies for a prolonged period of time, mostly cause I'm sick of hearing about it! They're movies! Why didn't anyone talk about the books so much? Oh yeah, because they were boring! Seriously, I read the Hobbit (which I liked a lot), Fellowship of the Rings, The Two Towers and got halfway through Return of the King before I just had to quit. I figured I could guess the ending anyway...and I did.

Ok, I'm ready to face the day now.

ps - do you think this is real?

Friday, December 26, 2003

Merry Christmas (if it's your bag) 

It feels like it's Monday and that just makes it ten times better that it's Friday.

Christmas Eve day was spent with my family. We opened gifts and ate lunch. My oldest sister and her boyfriend had to leave at three. I spent the night at my other sisters house and we watched all the old xmas movies. The cartoon ones anyway.

Christmas I drove an hour and a half to my "hometown". I actually had fun with my family. We played take away bingo and ate lunch together. I got to see an uncle I haven't seen for 5 years or so and an aunt I haven't seen for 7 or more. It was fun.

I got some really awesome christmas presents and some really great reactions to the gifts I gave. I thought C was going to have a heart attack! And P too! These girls are the greatest. My mother just laughed and laughed and laughed as she was playing with her gift from me (an atari joystick with the games loaded into it). My sister's boyfriend loved the sticky brownie mix and "bong recreational area" sign I got for him. It was just a very nice to see that I actually did a good job with gifts this year. C's reaction was the best tho.

What did I get? A waffle iron, some new clothes (featuring either the Chesire Cat or The Nightmare Before Christmas), a rice steamer...so much! I absolutely loved everthing I received.

So I had a great Christmas. I got to see my family, I got to give the people I love gifts they love and I know my family knows me really well because the presents for me were so excellent.

It almost is enough to make me want to forgive whoever broke the lock on our window...almost. Someone, sometime broke the lock on the window in our smoking room. My dad said he'll see if he can fix it, but I have to clean up in there first. I'm pretty pissed off about it. Not cleaning, but the fact that a friend broke the lock and didn't tell us. There's only a few people it could be...then again we haven't messed with the window in awhile so it could be anyone in the last two weeks! That's a lot of people.

Oh well. Either my dad can fix it or we'll have to pay for it. Which SUCKS! but what can ya do?

Merry Christmas. I hope you had just as much fun as I did.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Embarrassing TV 

So I was doing laundry last night at my parent's house. They were gone, so I watched TV to amuse myself. Now I don't have cable, I only get to see tv on occasion and rarely during the week. So tell me, are Nick and Jessica for real? I've heard about Newlyweds but last night was the first I've actually seen. I saw the infamous buffalo wing part and Nick can be a selfish bast'd and Jessica is totally a spoiled brat sometimes. It was quite amusing. I kept switching between that and The Horse Whisperer. I missed the part that Matt read in Baseketball, how sad.

KJ came over last night. We talked, I gave him his gift and then we smoked. I was super chattery. 10 times more than normal it seemed. I don't know about what tho, I'll have to see what I wrote down.

Monday, December 22, 2003

Ugh. It was a fun weekend. Insanely long, but fun anyway. We drove a lot, we ate a lot, we shopped a lot and we smoked a lot. I almost died and Becky was sick. We fought, we laughed, we stared into space. A lot happened for nothing much happening.

I finished all my christmas shopping. Almost...I need to pick something up for my parents still...but I can do that tomorrow. Since I forgot my purse (my new, super cool purse) at home and everything money related is in that...I'm very poor today. Ok, I'll be poor for awhile, I spent a lot of money this weekend. A LOT of money. But if you can't spend money at christmas (for other people) when can you spend it?

I think I'm getting sick again. I woke up with my head all congested on sunday. Then today, my throat is killin me. Last year, I was sick at christmas and I really don't want to do that again.

Oh well, I've got to get working. Ya'll have a wonderful day and think happy thoughts. Maybe you'll fly away.

Friday, December 19, 2003

It's strange what opinions people have of themselves when in relationships. You may think you're doing a pretty good job, keeping the other happy and yourself happy at the same time isn't always easy. But it's even harder if the other person doesn't tell you if they aren't happy.

This is always my problem. I don't like talking about something if I'm not happy with it. I don't want to say "This is what you're doing wrong and it bothers me." I've always rather spare the possible embarrassment for both parties involved and not talk about problems.

Why? I know it would be 10 times easier if I spoke up. But I just can't. Cause when it (whatever it is that cause an issue in the first place) happens and I get emotional (either mad, frustrated or upset) I can't communicate clearly and I'm always afraid I'll go too far with it. But when I look back on it later, I don't feel anything. I'll just say, oh it bothers me, but I don't feel bothered, so I still don't remark on it.

But it kills me if people don't tell me if I've done something to bother them. If I'm not doing my duty as a friend, daughter, girlfriend, whatever. I need to know if I'm f*cking up cause otherwise, I prolly won't know.

And in writing this I feel really stuck on myself. Like, all I talk about is me. Every time I post here, I notice how much I use the letter "I". It makes me feel self-centered. And I'm not really. At least I'd like to think I'm not...but I just don't know.

In other news...

Today, I saw a girl with whom I used to be good friends. We were in one of those three way friendship things where someone always got left out, and she was the one who was left out. In a way, I stole her only friend. It was never intentional. In any case, she started doing shrooms and acid a lot and hung out with a "bad crowd". I'm sure they're all good people, but they kind of scared me. She would cut herself and had many issues. I tried to help, but couldn't as much as I needed to. I went with her to the guidence counseler, I filed a complaint when he didn't do anything, I

So we grew further and further apart until I heard she went to jail. For getting a boyfriend to beat up an exboyfriend. I've talked to the exboyfriend I know he got the shite kicked outta him, but I don't know if she really went to jail for it.

When I saw her today, I recognized her necklace first. Spikes. Then her hair. Then finally her face. Shock just froze me. I didn't know what to say, if she recognized me, if she hated me, if we were going to talk...so I didn't say anything. I walked away. And I hated it.

I feel like I should have said something. Reached out for a lost friend. Honestly, I don't know if we have anything in common, but I could have tried. Everyone needs people and she's never really had anyone. Thi sis the first time I've seen her in three years. I don't know if I'll ever see her again, but I hope I do. I want to be friends. I didn't realize it, but I miss her. I'm glad she's alive and ok

Random Chaos in a toy store 

First of all, you should go here and listen to the new incubus song. It will rock your face off.

Secondly...well, there is no secondly.

I got Noodles last night. Thrilled beyond measure I was. Today...just tired.

Another of my exboyfriends came out to me last night. So this is three for sure. At least one more is questionable. What? It's not like they're super nelly bottom flamers. I didn't know. Ok, I should have known with Levi, but I liked him a lot and he liked me to damn it. (Levi, where are you? - I have no phone numbers to call you at)

I leave for Minnesota tonight. Shopping here I come! And I really need to shop. I've really put it off...at least a million times so far. There are only a few things I need to get, but they're major gifts and I'm still not sure what they are. Like I know what to get my sister's boyfriend who I've only seen on rare occasions. I mean, I know the guy and we can talk and laugh and get along...but I don't know the guy. And yeah, I know my dad, but what in the world does he want for xmas?

Anyway, I gotta get back to work. Ya'll have a fantastic day and a wonderful weekend.

P.S. - To Frank from DC if you're out there - I left the sheet I printed out about your recommendations at my parents and they're prolly gonna throw it away...would you email me what you said before?

Thursday, December 18, 2003

I'm F.I.N.E. 

Freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional. Uh huh.

So...nothing new has happened. I finally got over that last little rush yesterday and although I know I will need to fix problems and resubmit everything, like always, I don't have something constantly occupying my time anymore. It's nice. But it won't last. I'll be busy again from January until April. Then I slack.

So KJ is writing his book we talked about. I'm so very happy. He has a great start and I hope he finishes it.

Last night he came over and we watched the Tenacious D concert dvd. That was coo. Jack Black is so...I dunno. I love him. I love him and Kyle together. And Kyle is an amazing guitar player. When (if) I grow up... watching him was enough to inspire me to want to play. So I practiced. And it sounded like crap.

I think I would enjoy practice more if I had a decent sounding guitar. So I think after Xmas, I will invest in one. The only problem being that bills are piling up again. Damn. I hate reminding myself of that. I really should start paying them tho.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

It calls to my soul 

Oh my goodness. Check out Claudio Grilli.


Sorry, I guess my mind works strange...

Last night...Oh we went to Madtown. Grover and P wanted to stop at the mall. We ended up staying there until 9. Noodles closes at 9. I wanted to cry, I really did. Cause worked sucked yesterday, but I kept reminding myself that I would be able to have Noodles that night so it was all ok. And then, and then, and then...I didn't even get Noodles. But I did get to see Clay, Crusty Monkey, Tall&Sexy Matt, Derrick and various other characters.

We're going to Madtown again tomorrow to eat Noodles. I'm going to scream if I don't get them. Loudly.

Ok...Grover. I love hanging out with him, we have the greatest talks and I can just chill out around him. I want to like him. I really, really want to have those feelings for him. But I just don't see it happening. He's such a great guy.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Talk is like baby chickens 

Hmm, how to write this without complaining? I don't really know...but I'm not really complaining...

I hurt. Lion took me to the gym last night and we went on the treadmill for about a half hour. We stayed and lifted another half hour after that. When we left, I tried to push the door open, but walked into it instead because I couldn't push it open. I'm sore today.

I worked until 8:00 last night. When I finally got home, P was pissed off because we were supposed to watch Tenecious D dvds. She left for the bar the same time I left for the gym. Silly her didn't get back until 1 tho and we both worked this morning. Needless to say, I was happily snoozing when she got back.

So tonight! I have my guitar lesson at 6. Then after that we're going to Madtown! I'm sooo tired already and then we shop? Crazy. But at least I get Noodles for dinner. YAY!

Monday, December 15, 2003

I'm dreaming and I want to wake up 

I did party this weekend. But it wasn't the fun, meet new people and have a great time party. It was the hang out with a couple friends and just chill. It had the potential to be great, but instead sort of felt like a big waste of time. Lion and this guy Dippy were at my apartment all weekend. Strange considering neither P nor I really wanted them there. In fact, P sorta tried to get them to leave, but they didn't. They were there all day yesterday. I was close to freaking out. I can only take people for so long. I get really stressed out and bitchy because of it.

KJ and I do have the greatest time together tho. I don't know if it weirds P out a little bit that we hang out together so much (cause they used to date if you didn't know). KJ and I have only talked about that once, and it was only in reference to a stupid person that came after him that he was upset about. Otherwise, we talk about everything.

We're undertaking a project. KJ and I. It's going to take a lot longer than we thought. But that's ok. It's amusing. It might get old soon, but until it does... it's a way to waste time productively. I'd rather not say was it was cause it's really dumb.

It's going to be a busy week. Tonight I have to watch some dvds that NEED to get back. Tomorrow, Grover, P and I are going to Madtown so we can eat at Noodles. Wednesday, I have to hang out with D again. Thursday I have to do laundry and pack. Friday I leave for Minnesota and hopefully have a great time with my sister, her boyfriend and one of their friends at the Mall of America!

Friday, December 12, 2003

Somebody call the WAAAaaambulance 

I'm getting my ass stomped again.

My cough is getting worse again.

I have to stay late for work again.

And on top of that:

I had to send my cell phone in to get replaced and the loaner I have is a piece of shite and I have none of my friends' phone numbers.

I have a giant deadline on Monday night which I was told about today.

But - I plan to party like there's no tomorrow this weekend.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Have you ever been thisclose to dying? 

I probably wouldn't have died, but I would have been severely freaked out. The roads are super slick due to rain, snow and ice and the city/county hasn't done much about it. So as I'm driving to work today, I slowed down a bit cause I was a little close to the mini SUV I was following. As soon as I did, it swerved to the other side of the road, swerved back and started spinning. I braked carefully, but I couldn't turn while braking. Another car was in the oncoming lane and I waited until it had passed, let off the brake and missed both cars. Let me just tell you how scary it was... It was really scary.

Last night, not much happened. P and I hung out. We made dinner, watched a movie, smoked, played with her video camera and just chilled. I was in bed by 10:30 and she went out to the bar with Lion.

I'm not looking forward to Xmas shopping. I've got a couple people done. I'm still figuring out a couple people. I hate trying to figure out anyone. I wish I could just give them my love and $2 and be done with it. $2 is about all I'm going to have this year when finished, thanks to delayed doctor and dentist bills coming in.

Oh well, I have money saved up, and what better thing to spend it on than gifts for the people I love?

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Particle man, particle man, doing the things a particle can 

Is he a dot? Or is he a speck? When he's underwater does he get wet? Or does the water get him instead? Nobody knows. Particle man.

Last night was a little insane.

When I got home from work, I watched White Oleander. Good movie. I cried, thinking about people I miss. Writing eased a bit of the pain, but not really. P came home and I paged through my photo albumn and cried more. There are so many incredible people I have met but haven't seen in such a long time. I don't want new friends right now, I want my old ones to come walking in thru the door.

P and I talked about C. I told her about a couple of conversations I've had with C and she told me her opinion. **

We listened to sad music and P cried (she wanted to). KJ showed up and laughed at us...in a good way.

KJ, P and I smoked. There was some really crazy times there. P and I understand each other so well, that I felt really bad for KJ. Although we are really entertaining too. Oh well.

After P went to bed, KJ and I talked. Well, I doubted my sanity and he either helped or didn't. He doubted his sanity and I either helped or didn't. There was a lot to do with mental issues last night. One of my biggest fears is that I'm schizofrenic and don't know it yet. Last night, I had a fight with myself, out loud, as two different "characters". I wrote it all out, but it was rather scary and I don't know if I want to experience that again.

** I haven't hung out with C in a long time. I was under the impression that she was really busy with homework, work, school, chores...whatever. Just really busy, so we haven't hung out in over two weeks.

Anyway, one day I called her and she was really tired. Why? Because she stayed out at Perkin's until 5 am one morning when she had class at 8 am. Now, when she hangs out with us, she is home at a decent hour. NO MATTER WHAT! She has never stayed out late with us when she had to get up early. And she asked if I was jealous (and said I didn't have to be). Umm, not jealous...just hurt.

Then when we were talking on Monday, she said to me she only worked three or four days a week. She always has monday, tuesday and wednesday off. ALWAYS. But she doesn't care to call or contact either P or myself. That hurts. She talks about how she misses us. I'm starting to think it's bullshit, cause it's a lot of talk, but no follow thru. Fuck that.

Whatever, I know she's got her new friends at school, and I'm ok with that. But the thing with C is, is when she finds something new that she likes doing, she gets bored with everything else. It happened with Kitchen, the club, Perkin's...she has a blast while she's doing it. But then it's no longer fun, exciting and different and she quits. So did I get old or something?

I'm really getting frusterated here. To the point of, I feel like a fucking dog begging for attention. I don't like that - I HATE that. (and I don't H-A-T-E many things) I have no problem making the extra effort to contact friends. Shit, I do it all the time. But damn, show something. I've called her the last ... million times in a row without a call back. I don't even know if she gets my messages cause she nevers cares to call back.

I'm just totally not cool with what's happening right now. I'm not going to call her for awhile I think. I'm just too upset to deal with it.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

I have returned... 

But barely. I'm still sick, but am on the road to recovery. So I didn't do much this weekend. But for being sick I did quite a bit.

Friday - I went home from work at 11. I wouldn't have even been there if my boss wasn't dead set on taking my pages down to the color house. But as he was, I had to go in and get them on disk, save the photos, make copies....all the usual jazz that goes with this type of CRAP.

I stayed over at my parents for half the day, then I went home and chilled out there. KJ came over at 7. We watched a couple of movies...but we didn't so much watch movies as we talked. Cause we talked a lot. I've learned a shit ton about him that I didn't know. Then we smoked and we recorded our conversation. It's not very interesting. A really scary thing happened tho. We were talking about "tomorrow" in a general sense, and I said something like right at that moment I couldn't think of a good reason to wake up in the morning and go on with life. Really depressing and not really something I'd normally say to someone I just started talking seriously with, but I said it anyway. And the tape recorded clicked off right as I got done with the sentence. KJ and I shut up and stared at each other. It got really cold and we could hear some noises out in the kitchen area. We were both really freaked out and damn near paralyzed. I quickly put another tape in the recorded really hoping to catch the noises, but it didn't work. That sucks! It was scary as hell.

Saturday - I hung out at home most of the day. I went to my parents for an hour and hung out with Lion. Then I went home and did nothing again. KJ came over. We chilled out and then went over to my sister's. Grover showed up over there and we all sat around in the smoking room. It was pretty fun. Until they whipped out Michalango. That was just scary.

Sunday - Toast called me at 4:30 in the morning, drunk and said the cops were going to show up at the house he was at. He's on papers, so it would be 10 years in jail if he was caught drinking. So I said I'd pick his sorry ass up. Well, when I got out of bed, I was afraid I was going to be horribly ill. I was dizzy, nauseous and not thinking clearly. I called my mother and she came over. (sidenote: my parents totally take care of me. There isn't much they wouldn't do for me and I love them with all of my heart. If they asked, I would do the same for them...) My mother came over and ended up taking my car to see about Toast while I tried not to die. It was a hard battle, but finally I came out victorious.

My mom stayed with me until I fell asleep. She's made of gold.

I slept until 2 and stayed in bed until 7. Then KJ came over and took me to my parents, where Lion had made some chicken soup for me. What a sweetheart. I'm shocked - we got along rather well this weekend.

KJ and I hung out until 11, when he left and I went to bed. Yay bed. Oh, hint for ya. Don't listen to A Perfect Circle before falling asleep. Or do, it's up to you, but I had a hell of a strange dream that I don't remember.

Monday - I called into work. I wasn't going to be attending. I played xbox, read and watched movies all day. It was rather boring. Grover called and said he needed to talk. Oh shit. I know what he wants to talk about and I don't want to talk about it.

So I cried while driving to see him, he told me what I knew and then I told him what he guessed. Nothing mentioned about another guy, just lack of feelings for him.

Friday, December 05, 2003

I'm sick 

Really sick. Like work is the absolute last place I want to be...why am I here?

Thursday, December 04, 2003


Tuesday, my stomach would flip over whenever I thought about him. And I thought about him a lot. This is what I got for lunch from Walmart because of it: chicken and stars in a sippy, wheat thins, sprite and pepto bismol. I couldn’t wait for him to call when I was done with work.

I left early (at 4) to sleep a little bit. But P woke me up at 6:30 anyway. I hung out while she showered and all that jazz. We went over to the guys' condo and hung out. They had been drinking and Pelot started drinking too. I sipped on captain and coke, but with very little captain. I caught a little buzz but not until these three other girls showed up. We all hung out for a bit. Everyone was playing Asshole except Vin and myself. The cops showed up once warning people to be quiet. Then they showed up again. The girls and myself went out on the deck, but a cop came out there. Luckily I was standing behind the door so he didn’t see me. I stood outside and froze until they left.

Vin was drunk and pissed off then. He had already gotten a couple of tickets for disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace I think for fighting with his friend in a hotel hallway. I called my sister and asked her if I could use her name, and her and her boyfriend offered to come get me. It was cool as hell. We went back to my house and smoked a bowl. They all sat talking stories and whatnot so I went and laid in bed with my sister. A couple of minutes after that she and her boyfriend left.

Vin was having issues breathing. He has asthma and couldn’t find his inhaler for a long time. He looked everywhere. But eventually he found it. And soon enough (ok, like 4:30) I fell asleep. Then at 6 a horrible thing happens. The fire alarm goes off and there is smoke everywhere. I can’t even describe my thoughts. I ran out into the kitchen/living room. On my stove, there was a baking pan and a spatula on top of it that had melted and was now on fire. It was the worse smelling thing… I blew it out, but it ignited again. Vin poured a little water on it, I moved it off a hot burner and he turned the hot burner off. The fire alarm was still beeping so we tried to shut it up…now I have to figure out how to reattach it. The smoke was awful. I had to go outside and freeze for a bit, it was so terrible. We opened a lot of the windows and turned off the heat so it wasn’t on all night long trying to warm the place up and it wouldn’t be able to. Most of the smoke was cleared out, but jeeze. I left the windows open this morning too. It's freezing.

He was still having issues breathing. So sleep wasn’t great. I called into work and said I wasn’t going to be there on time exactly and might not even come in.

I got up and showered. He laid in bed. We snuggled a bit. That was nice. Once I was already to go to work, he put his shirt on and we took off. I did some running around and then dropped him off at his condo and said goodbye. I gave him my number and address. Hopefully he’ll write or call or something. I think he will, but guys are strange. Just when I think I know what’s going on… I don’t. So we’ll see.

He was so great. He understood me, he was funny, he was cute, he compliment the hell out of me.

Drawback: He already said I love you.

I thought when my ex started saying it a week after we were together it was too soon. Last night we had known each other two days and he was saying it. A lot. It didn’t bother me too much. I just didn’t take him too seriously.

But this guy was great. He loves cartoons and has a tattoo of Jack Skellington on his arm. He doesn’t care what people think about him. He’s just a great guy and I really enjoyed being with him. I felt like we had been together forever. Like it was always this way, that’s how comfortable I was with him. And I know a lot about him. His birthday, his full name, where he was born and raised. I know he was adopted and now doesn't get along with his parents.

This was one of the strangest semi-quasi relationships I've ever been in. I seriously hope he calls or writes. I think he will but...

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

And just like that, he was gone 

I said goodbye to Vin today.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

I met a boy... 

And oh my gosh what a boy. The other night at the bar, Lion and P met three guys and had been talking a bit about them. So last night when P, Em and I went to Lion's bar, they showed up. I knew right away that Vin would be the one I would be interested in, if any. And I was. We talked at the bar for quite awhile. He asked if he could come over and chill and I said yes. The other guys ended up coming with too. So one played xbox, one passed out on the couch with P and Vin and I listened to music and talked in the other room. We talked forever and about all sorts of different things. I know a lot about him, but I still don't know that much. Eventually I said I was going to bed so the other guys had to leave, considering P was already passed out. So they left, P went to sleep and Vin and I talked. And talked. And kissed. And snuggled. And kissed. And talked. And snuggled. Then I slept for a half hour before waking up to come into work. It was fun. I feel like I'm drunk. I bet I look like I'm drunk. Tee hee. He's going to call me tonight after work.

There are a few problems already. 1-He lives an hour and 45 minutes away. 2-He's just the cutest thing ever. Ok that's not really a problem, but I was typing out loud.

Monday, December 01, 2003

I am so incredibly frusterated right now, I can feel it pushing down on my chest making it hard to breath. It's like I'm almost going to sneeze but don't. It's like I'm going to explode with tears and yells and I hate it. My stomach is boiling and my head is throbbing. It's not a fun time. I just want to get away! But at the same time, it's really rewarding to see your work be sent out to so many places, even if no one knows that you did it. What crap.

I don't want to talk about work because it bores people and really sucks to talk about, but at the same time, I just need to vent. It causes a conflict and makes me want to explode. AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! People are so stupid sometimes that even when the information is spelled out right in front of them, they question it. And it doesn't need to be questioned. Use the information with the latest date on it. Is that so hard?

* Deep breath *

Ok. No it's not ok. Even while driving home for lunch (Oh yeah, I had to go all the way to my parents (20 min drive) and clean up after my dog and feed the cats because Lion didn't come home last night) I couldn't relax. I can't calm down and this is why I'm so bitchy and tired at night. My life feels like it's a complete mess.


Sad sad times. I went out and smoked a cigarette. Only my second since "quitting". I'm not proud but I feel better. The pressure is gone. Now I just feel used.

Happy December 

And I know it's late, but Happy Thanksgiving too.

To everyone who sent me cds, I loved them all.

I've been meaning to send out emails to various people, but man...the second I think I have time, something else comes up. It would be so much easier if I had a working computer at home. But I spend enough time on the 'puter at work that I hate touching the damn thing at home (or my parents). Anyway, I miss you and really hope I get a chance to catch up with all of you.

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