Friday, December 19, 2003

It's strange what opinions people have of themselves when in relationships. You may think you're doing a pretty good job, keeping the other happy and yourself happy at the same time isn't always easy. But it's even harder if the other person doesn't tell you if they aren't happy.

This is always my problem. I don't like talking about something if I'm not happy with it. I don't want to say "This is what you're doing wrong and it bothers me." I've always rather spare the possible embarrassment for both parties involved and not talk about problems.

Why? I know it would be 10 times easier if I spoke up. But I just can't. Cause when it (whatever it is that cause an issue in the first place) happens and I get emotional (either mad, frustrated or upset) I can't communicate clearly and I'm always afraid I'll go too far with it. But when I look back on it later, I don't feel anything. I'll just say, oh it bothers me, but I don't feel bothered, so I still don't remark on it.

But it kills me if people don't tell me if I've done something to bother them. If I'm not doing my duty as a friend, daughter, girlfriend, whatever. I need to know if I'm f*cking up cause otherwise, I prolly won't know.

And in writing this I feel really stuck on myself. Like, all I talk about is me. Every time I post here, I notice how much I use the letter "I". It makes me feel self-centered. And I'm not really. At least I'd like to think I'm not...but I just don't know.

In other news...

Today, I saw a girl with whom I used to be good friends. We were in one of those three way friendship things where someone always got left out, and she was the one who was left out. In a way, I stole her only friend. It was never intentional. In any case, she started doing shrooms and acid a lot and hung out with a "bad crowd". I'm sure they're all good people, but they kind of scared me. She would cut herself and had many issues. I tried to help, but couldn't as much as I needed to. I went with her to the guidence counseler, I filed a complaint when he didn't do anything, I

So we grew further and further apart until I heard she went to jail. For getting a boyfriend to beat up an exboyfriend. I've talked to the exboyfriend I know he got the shite kicked outta him, but I don't know if she really went to jail for it.

When I saw her today, I recognized her necklace first. Spikes. Then her hair. Then finally her face. Shock just froze me. I didn't know what to say, if she recognized me, if she hated me, if we were going to talk...so I didn't say anything. I walked away. And I hated it.

I feel like I should have said something. Reached out for a lost friend. Honestly, I don't know if we have anything in common, but I could have tried. Everyone needs people and she's never really had anyone. Thi sis the first time I've seen her in three years. I don't know if I'll ever see her again, but I hope I do. I want to be friends. I didn't realize it, but I miss her. I'm glad she's alive and ok

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