Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Particle man, particle man, doing the things a particle can 

Is he a dot? Or is he a speck? When he's underwater does he get wet? Or does the water get him instead? Nobody knows. Particle man.

Last night was a little insane.

When I got home from work, I watched White Oleander. Good movie. I cried, thinking about people I miss. Writing eased a bit of the pain, but not really. P came home and I paged through my photo albumn and cried more. There are so many incredible people I have met but haven't seen in such a long time. I don't want new friends right now, I want my old ones to come walking in thru the door.

P and I talked about C. I told her about a couple of conversations I've had with C and she told me her opinion. **

We listened to sad music and P cried (she wanted to). KJ showed up and laughed at us...in a good way.

KJ, P and I smoked. There was some really crazy times there. P and I understand each other so well, that I felt really bad for KJ. Although we are really entertaining too. Oh well.

After P went to bed, KJ and I talked. Well, I doubted my sanity and he either helped or didn't. He doubted his sanity and I either helped or didn't. There was a lot to do with mental issues last night. One of my biggest fears is that I'm schizofrenic and don't know it yet. Last night, I had a fight with myself, out loud, as two different "characters". I wrote it all out, but it was rather scary and I don't know if I want to experience that again.

** I haven't hung out with C in a long time. I was under the impression that she was really busy with homework, work, school, chores...whatever. Just really busy, so we haven't hung out in over two weeks.

Anyway, one day I called her and she was really tired. Why? Because she stayed out at Perkin's until 5 am one morning when she had class at 8 am. Now, when she hangs out with us, she is home at a decent hour. NO MATTER WHAT! She has never stayed out late with us when she had to get up early. And she asked if I was jealous (and said I didn't have to be). Umm, not jealous...just hurt.

Then when we were talking on Monday, she said to me she only worked three or four days a week. She always has monday, tuesday and wednesday off. ALWAYS. But she doesn't care to call or contact either P or myself. That hurts. She talks about how she misses us. I'm starting to think it's bullshit, cause it's a lot of talk, but no follow thru. Fuck that.

Whatever, I know she's got her new friends at school, and I'm ok with that. But the thing with C is, is when she finds something new that she likes doing, she gets bored with everything else. It happened with Kitchen, the club, Perkin's...she has a blast while she's doing it. But then it's no longer fun, exciting and different and she quits. So did I get old or something?

I'm really getting frusterated here. To the point of, I feel like a fucking dog begging for attention. I don't like that - I HATE that. (and I don't H-A-T-E many things) I have no problem making the extra effort to contact friends. Shit, I do it all the time. But damn, show something. I've called her the last ... million times in a row without a call back. I don't even know if she gets my messages cause she nevers cares to call back.

I'm just totally not cool with what's happening right now. I'm not going to call her for awhile I think. I'm just too upset to deal with it.

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