Friday, January 30, 2004

Mmmm Chai 

So today is better. Strange. I'm not sure how. But it is already better than it was yesterday (thanks to my chai).


Yesterday was filled with people in the office gossiping. After my boss "talked" to me, Co-worker came in and told me something interesting. Not something I needed to hear, but it's my fault. Ok, this is a little complicated. Backstory: Receptionist wants Driver. Driver hates Receptionist. Receptionist told me that she wants Driver (I already knew, I mean come on, it was totally obvious). Driver asked me if it was true...I am wayyy too honest. I usually don't answer, but can't lie, so the answer is obvious. This time I actually told him. I know, my fault.

So the other night a bunch of people went for drinks (myself not included, because I am not 21...still). At the end of the get together, Receptionist invites Driver back to her house. Driver freaks out and calls Co-worker, mentioning in a frightened ramble that I warned him, but he didn't realize to what extent. Yesterday, Co-worker comes to me and I tell the truth, again, wishing I could lie the whole time. Receptionist still doesn't know.

Not a big deal. But not something I want to be involved in.

Then at lunch, my supervisor (who I was already not happy with for getting her boyfriend to yell at me instead of her doing it herself) decides that our department needs to take a lunch together. So it was Co-worker, Receptionist and Supervisor. And what did they do? Gossip about a different co-worker! What the hell people? I can only imagine what they say about me...

All day I was looking forward to go to my parent's house to have dinner, watch a movie and laugh. Only, my sister decided to be a complete fucking bitch for some reason. We watched Underworld (kind of dumb) and I missed part of it. The story didn't make sense to me, so I asked what was going on and no one would fucking tell me. I complained for a minute to try and get someone to tell me what was happening and no one did. Fuck that dude.

My sister and I live across town from each other and after the movie my dad was going to drop us off. I said I wanted to go home first (cause it's closer to my parent's). While my dad was getting the truck, my sister calls me spoiled and compares me unfavorably to her boyfriend in that regards. (Oh, big diss cause you're the stupid one who puts up with his shit.) So she pisses me off, we yell at each other for a bit and aldkjf aw;jf; I'm still really fucking pissed off about that. Cause it was totally uncalled for and just her being a total fucking [expletive deleted] without explanation.

So I got home and called Grover. He tried to cheer me up a bit when he realized that I was trying not to cry (damn, I was hoping he wouldn't notice). When I got off the phone with him, I felt a little better.

I smoked a quick one in hopes to find something to laugh about. Instead I completely broke down after sending Beppo a text message. All because of what a "." symbolized to me at that moment. After a long crying session and writing a bit, I felt better again. Showered and passed out.

Now all this might not seem like a big deal. But I don't spend a lot of my time feeling bad. I do my damnest to be happy, or at least content, all the time. But that's not possible. I needed to cry.

ps - new pictures, plus they're rearranged. If you actually look at them, tell me what ya think.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Ok, I'm reading this huge dramatic reaction to this post and wow. People. I'm not going to say what I think because I'm afraid people will tell me I'm wrong. I don't wanna listen to it. So I'll just say I appreciated something Joelle (My computer won't even let me see her site) said:

"Bottom line: yeah, we’re in a fat-crazed society. It’s super-size this and super-model that. It’s all a bunch of fucked up bollocks. But ultimately, we don’t know. We don’t know the intimate view into people’s private lives and while history, trends and society tells us it’s overeating and not exercising that’s making people fat, we have absolutely, positively not right to judge them on that. We will. We do. But we don’t really have the right.

Frankly, it’s none of our fucking business."

I am way too sensitive 

So I was late this morning. Only by 20 minutes. I don't think that's too bad. Cause, really, it's only five minutes (we have a 15 minute break to start the day). But the thing is, it's the second day in a row. So. I got yelled at. And it's totally going to ruin my day. My week. My life (if only for the moment).

Right now, I'm ready to just quit. Give up this stupid dead end job and just work somewhere else. Granted, I won't get paid as well, there's a good chance I won't get insurance and I'd prolly be working at a fast food place the rest of my life, but people do it all the time.

I really want to go back to school. I want to get some sort of degree and not have to worry about .......

I don't even know. I'm just frusterated and not very happy. So lets talk about something else, shall we?

Only...there's nothing else to talk about. I haven't done anything interesting at all lately. No one has called me (and I'm not calling anyone).

So I might be back later with something better, but right now I'm going to say fuck it.

(See what it does to me?)

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

We must have the worst coffee in the world 

BLAH! Seriously, this is sick.

I had my guitar lesson last night. I can definitely see an improvement. I got all the way through Yellow Submarine without stopping (and only a few fuck ups). Go me.

Last night, going home, watching a movie and passing out (the plan) turned into going to the bar and getting kind of drunk. My bad. I wouldn't have caught such a buzz if I had eaten dinner, but I kind of forgot that part. We played darts (P won most of the games, I really suck) and talked with the bartender. He is one of P's kind of friends. He's a really awesome guy and I would totally love to hang out with him more. He's supposed to call sometime and maybe come over on Sunday. He'd be a great influence on us for deeper thinking.

The following is a little ... not quite embarrassing, but close. So read with an open mind and don't judge me ... please?

P is the one person on this earth that understands me. She knows the most about me, without knowing a lot about me. If she had a penis, we would be mating. A really great thing (especially while waiting) about both of us is we're both easily amused. We can sit and talk with each other for hours. And never run out of things to say.

As it is, we don't talk about "important" things. Because one of us will say something and the other one will go "yeah, I know..." with nothing else to add, because the other one just said it. "Important" things like religion (we've had a few talks), philosophy, books... Ya know. Deeper thinking. Because we spend the majority of our time together, talking about not important things, we feel we might be losing our intelligence.

So we're on a quest for more things to discuss, more words to use and just general knowledge. I know we are not stupid. In fact, I'd say we're pretty intelligent (but then again, how can I judge?). Still tho, doing this makes me feel...stupid? I want to learn, I miss learning, but knowing about all the stuff out there that I don't know, and other people do is intimidating.

Wish us luck.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

just keep swimming. just keep swimming. swimming, swimming, swimswimswim 

Guess what I did last night! That's right, I went swimming. Man I miss it. A lot. I am seriously thinking about lifeguarding again, just so I can swim more.

P and I went swimming at 9:00 last night. Oh and I got to sit in a hot tub outside, while it was snowing.

Afterwards, we hung out at Perkins with Fmeow and JC SUPERSTAR!. Oh and that guy that kept fucking with my head the other week (jan 12th). [But it wasn't an I'll-say-this-and-it'll-freak-her-out kind of messing with my head. It was an I'll-keep-tickling-you-and-pretending-like-I'm-going-to-poke-you-and-swirl-my-hands-around-your-face kind of messing with my head. I do not approve of any unrequested entrance into the personal bubble. I got kind of pissed off.]

I couldn't fall asleep. I really wanted to. But I think getting a 7 hours of sleep for more than two days in a row has really thrown me. It's strange to sleep so much.

Monday, January 26, 2004

the roadtrip that never was... 

So. We didn't go to Packer Homeland. Whoops. When I even got out early on Friday to go. Oh well. I spent the time instead burning a cd. Early Friday night was spent in a bad mood because P took off in a bad mood. Communication error. Later, Lion, his young friend, P and myself played a game of darts at a local tavern. Lion's young friend hit on me repeatedly and wanted for me to take him seriously.

P, Grover and I went to see Butterfly Effect on Saturday. That was fun. After that we watched Neon Genesis Evangelian until we all needed to pass out. At 11:30.

After getting an entire nights sleep, I woke up at 9:30 to P's music. Bad music at that. Or at least not what I wanted to hear, which was quiet. Oh well. We accomplished a lot. We picked up the house (it's already messy), we went shopping, we cooked, we did laundry, we did dishes, all while under some influence. My favorite part was when I read aloud from a book and we discussed it. I don't know if that was good or bad, but we had to literally pick sentences apart and figure out what he was trying to say. We've also started a vocabulary program and a book club. So far we're the only ones in it, but ya know, it's a start.

Last night I had a fight with my sister. She's sick of mary jane. Her boyfriend is all about it, all the time and she hates it. I want to shake her and tell her not to put up with it, but she never listens. Oh well. Last night I went over to her house and had a mary jane free evening with her. Hopefully, we'll do it again sometime, soon, cause we didn't get to finish watching Lilo and Stich and I haven't seen it yet. Holy run on sentence Batman.

Ok, I'm starting to feel a little wired. Damn this sucks it's still really early in the day. Especially when I have nothing to do.

And now for something completely different

My Book List at this moment:
Crazy Love (I'm almost halfway I think)
A Clockwork Orange (yeah, um, second page)
Catch-22 (I was halfway a half a year ago, but P stole it and now I have to start over)
Wolves of Calla (YAYAYAY! I'm borrowing it from my sister today)
Lolita (I'm over halfway done...can't wait to be finished with it just to be done)
Zombie Survival Guide (Ummm, sorry Grover, you'll get it back eventually...I'll start it eventually)
The Illiad (our first book in the book club)
Everything is Illuminated (I got to a certain point and stopped, I'll have to start again soon)
A Christmas Story (I'm almost done, thanks mom)

And that's all I can remember. There may be more.

Friday, January 23, 2004

"Don't stand behind me Boss!" 

I hate it when people act different around other people to make an impression. Honestly, why be fake? And why the fuck would you tell me that you're "ashamed" that we didn't "understand" what was going on in the movie? When clearly, we understood, we just thought it was dumb.

The movie was Open Range. Because I didn't really get into it (the characters were flat and the script was full of cliches), my father and Lion attacked the movies I watch. It wasn't much fun.

And now for something completely different:

It doesn't look like P and I going to Packer Homeland like planned. It's snowy and crappy, I'd prolly get lost (I HATE GETTING LOST) and we're broke. Lion had already backed out. So this weekend, P and I are going to chill. There was talk about tanning, getting our hair done. Ya know, girly things that we never do (cause it's POINTLESS!) but what the hell, why not?

My eldest sister requested my company down to her house (an hour and a half away) but I don't think I can make that drive either. We'll see. It might be fun to be out of town and I know the way there like the back of my hand. Until she moves on Saturday, but whatever.

WAIT! Have any of you seen the previews for 50 First Dates? They use a song in the preview and I love it. But I don't know what it is. I can't even remember the words except "Amber is the color of your energy " That's it. If you know what it is, please please please let me know!

Thursday, January 22, 2004

so after all that. buying my tickets to linkin park. being super excited that i was going. being totally crushed that i had to work. having people hound me down to buy my tickets. stressing over who to let buy them. finally selling them and actually have money in my pocket.

To being told that I don't have to work that weekend at all. Our press date was moved, to February.

Just don't make me turn my head 

Ok. I just feel like complaining real quick (or real slow, I'm not sure yet). I'm tired. So very, very tired. All I want to do is lay back down and sleep for another hour or two, then I'll be good. And can I have a real pillow this time? Cause my neck really hurts from that little one last night.

Of course I would be just fine if I had used my brain last night. But when someone challenges me...I just have to try and win. And last night, I at least tied with everyone. Someday I'll grow up past all this silly idea of challenging, but until then...

I slept at my sister's house last night. They have the best couch ever. Ok, second best cause P's mom has the best. Followed closely by my sister's. But Grover has the best loveseat (he insists that it's a couch, only smaller and I say it's a loveseat and should have no part of "best couch" talks). In any case, it was really comfortable, excepting the pillow. And I'm really glad I didn't have to drive home. It's windy as hell out there.

Stopping at starbucks this morning was wonderful tho. Mmmm, hot and yummy chai. Plus, because I had to wait awhile (it didn't seem like that long, because I was listening to A Perfect Circle after weeks of not being able to) I got a free drink ticket thing. Any size, anything I want. yay.

Right, well, I know reading about me getting coffee in the morning and where I slept last night is the most interesting thing but...I should really go. Work and all that.

HAHAHA what a joke. These last couple of days have been soo incredibly boring. I mean, I'm supposed to be working on this project, but I'm waiting on coworkers to get me information and I'd rather not do it at all, so I'm procrastinating. Yay run on sentence. I write like I talk...only I hope I don't sound as empty headed when I speak. Hmmm. Only I prolly sound even more empty headed when I talk because I don't write down all the words I use in speech: like, totally, seriously, .... ok that's all I can think of. And I do use those words when writing, just not as much as when I talk.

That's it. I quit. It's too early, I'm too not in my right mind and ... yeah.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

all i want is an ice cream cone 

hi. i'm feeling very non-caps today.

not much has happened. again. i had my guitar lesson and actually learned something. i'm kind of a bad student when i first start something. not really bad, just a joking, laughing, not taking anything seriously type student. so when i do start to take stuff a little more seriously, my teacher/instructor isn't expecting it. i've started taking this more seriously and asking questions and everything. i hope it helps.

i saw Boys Don't Cry last night. sad, sad movie. what else can i say?

i went to my sister and her boyfriend's place last night. they had a work party earlier that night and their place was the 'after party party'. that was one smokey room. i chilled out on the couch with my sister tho. after telling her i couldn't believe she was actually watching The Newlyweds, i was totally sucked into it. the force is not strong in me.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Wanna know what I'm sick of? Here I'll demonstrate:

[Friend who I don't talk to a lot]: So what's new?
Me: Umm. Nothing really. Still working and just kind of hanging out.
[Friend]: Oh yeah?
Me: Yeah, not too much going on here.

I've had this conversation so much lately...I'm just sick of it. I want there to be something new. I want to be interesting, which I am very far from being right now.

But what in the world can I do? Considering my friends take up most of my time (and I don't even get to spend quality time with a lot of them) and I'm thinking about getting a second job. I mean, I've done interesting things. I've been to mixology school (for all the good that did me), I was in Karate, I'm taking guitar lessons. But I'm still really boring. I lead a boring life.

Surely there is something more.

Monday, January 19, 2004

Episode 423 

Friday - P and I watched Gerry. Ummm... What can I say? Oh, my favorite walking scene was when they were in the desert.

We went to the bar. I saw some people I knew. Sorta knew. I went to high school with them, but they're a year or two older (go figure, since we're at a bar). It was fun, but it could have been better. It was a bit of a waste of a night really. P and I went home feeling a little bitter for various reasons.

Saturday - P had to work but got off early cause she couldn't talk. People we saw at the bar kept calling. I just wanted to sleep.

Crusty Monkey came over and we had the most fun. I've never laughed so hard in my life. I wish he came to town more often, it's a ton of fun when he does.

After the two of them left (P to the bar and Crusty to some friends' house) I called Grover. Even tho it was midnight, he drove over (45 mins) instead of meeting me so I could take a quick nap. I showed him some scenes from Gerry and then we went to look at some snow carvings.

It was cold. Like 7 degrees with a -15 wind chill. Yeah, I had a sweatshirt. Sometimes I just don't think. Oh well, cause there was a fire! So we warmed up around that.

We went to Perkins and sat with J and D. J my ex. J the guy who I am just no longer comfortable being around cause I know he still "loves" me and I don't want that. Oh well. KJ was at another table hanging with some friends, but came to our table when that was finished. We went on a little drive (we left at 4:17 and got back at 4:25)and things were a lot more interesting when we got back.

Sunday - I slept. I shopped. I smoked.

After I got home from shopping with my mom, I was just going to shower and read. But my sister's boyfriend called when I got out of the shower and invited me over. I wouldn't have if he didn't say that JP was going to be there. JP is this guy he works with who is just so funny. It was from him that that "You KNOW It!" point came from. So I had to get cute and show up.

We watched football. I kept getting caught up in the dramatics of the game and not the game itself. The hope, the let down, the victory. I couldn't help it. I felt really girly after I realized that and tried to get back into the game, but couldn't. Oh well.

Bonus: My sister came home before I left and I got to hang out with her too! And Kasey called! So it wasn't a complete waste of a weekend.

And now for something completely different:
This week coming up is going to kill me. I have plans for every night. I can't wait until this weekend. Of course I said that last weekend too and nothing super special happened like it was supposed to. Oh well. I figured.

This upcoming weekend I'm really trying hard to get over to see Beppo in Packer Homeland. Of course with the weather and all that... I don't know how well it would really go. But on the way there, I said I would drop Lion off at his friend's house. His friend that is from December 2-4th. The one he hung out with while I hung out with Vin. So ... I'm a little nervous about this weekend in general.

Friday, January 16, 2004

If you'll notice, I've made a few minor changes. Not much really, but if something is screwed up, could ya let me know? Thanks.

By the way, I've never invited ya'll to check it out, but I have links over on the right there (obviously) and suggest each and every one. The blogs are interesting, the people are funny and are sure to entertain.

Stupid people do stupid things 

Smart people outsmart each other.

I hung out with my family last night. YAY! P and I headed over to my parents' after I got home. We had a long talk with my father about war, politics, religion, race...all the things I rarely talk about, but don't mind listening to.

Dinner was excellent. My sister, parents and I sat at the table together. It's a rare thing, and really meant a lot.

My sister and dad work together (my sister is a secretary and my dad fixes phone lines) and there was talk about me working at the same place with them. There were jokes and memories brought up, but my sister out of no where says "But you would have to pass the piss test first." I looked down and said nothing. My parents laughed and made jokes at my expense.

To the outsider, it would look like my parents were being really cool and understood and all that. They might be, they might not be. But I still can't help but not want to talk about this around them at all, and when people bring it up it pisses me off. I'm not comfortable with it, why are people making me do it? P and Lion and my sister especially do it all the time. Not cool.

We were supposed to watch Schindler's List, but it was already 8:00 by the time dinner and talking was over. So they put in Johnny English. I got bored and went downstairs to finish laundry and hang out with Lion. I had to talk to him and explain what I was pissy about. (Then I found out he splashed my brand new sweatshirt with bleach). Oh well.

I've decided another of my New Year's Resolutions should be: Try to not be such a henious bitch.

Thank you and good night.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

It hurts to type 

Last night was P's work party. I was invited to go along a really long time ago and I agreed. When my sister asked me last week if I wanted to go ice skating, I said yes. I double booked myself and I do it all the time. I suck.

So I went with P cause I told her first. And I have a tendency of not doing what I said I would with her. My bad. I'm working on it.

We got to the restaurant it was at and smoked really quick. Not smart. Wow. We went in there and just ... laughed. And laughed and laughed and laughed. I don't know how anyone couldn't know, but no one really cared cause there were a ton of people there.

The food was so awesome. We had to wait in line a long time, but it was worth it. Pizza and barbecue sandwiches. Yum.

We were there for quite a long time. I was falling asleep, so we left.

When I was getting into bed, my sister's boyfriend called and said he was right down the street so I invited him over to smoke. He accepted.

My stomach is killing me today. I can't laugh that much in one night. Thank heaven that I have to go to my parent's tonight. I'm saved!

In other news:

So...I'm broke. Bills are piling up, again, I'm having car issues and I don't get paid until next week. And then it won't be enough to cover everything. Sucky.

I didn't make New Year's Resolutions this year cause I believe improving myself should be an ongoing thing...but I've decided spending less money and practicing guitar are two things I really need to go. So that's going to be my motivation.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Time to catch up with the rest of the world... 

C came over last night. We had a drink and watched Amelie. It was cute. Long, but entertaining. I liked it, but I still like He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not more.

His roommate called again. Still a laugh to talk to.

KJ came over after C and P left. We were going to smoke a quick one and then watch Spun. Well, we ended up sitting in the Zen Room for a longr time than we had originally planned. Finally when we got out to the living room and watched the first ten minutes...wow. Even the menu was hard to handle (the movie is filmed like what it's like to be on crystal). But we watched twenty minutes before my sister called.

I'm really glad we went over to their house cause if I had to watch that entire movie right then...I would have just freaked out. I'm just not cut out to do hard-core drugs if just watching that movie (and some others, like Requiem for a Dream, Trainspotting...strangely enough I own them both) made me want to flip.

Now when I say freak out, I don't mean running around screaming my head off. I prolly wouldn't talk at all. It would all be internal and I would get paranoid as fuck. Not only paranoid, but depressed and way over emotional. It's amazing what substances can do to your mind.

KJ and I talked about this last night. He had been asking himself for months why he smokes and he figured it out. Smoking makes everything seem beautiful, more exciting. And he hates being bored. It's that simple. No matter what happens when you smoke, you really can't be bored. But then he went on about memories that he has that's never happened, just because he had the idea in his mind. I didn't really follow him there so...I might be making stuff up.

So I guess, this is my memory that never happened.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Roommate Night™ 

Last night was the most interesting night I’ve had in a long time.

P and I had made plans to watch a couple of movies and just chill. Lion called before I got home and wanted to go to the gym. I wanted to go, but not with him right then. P wasn’t there when I got home, so I did the dishes and cleaned out the fridge. When she did get home, she put a puzzle together while I finished up. I was uber excited about the video Shawn and I had made that weekend, so I showed her that while the pizza cooked.

Last night was all about multi-tasking.

We put in The Pianist and sat down with our pizza. And our souls suffered for it. That is a really sad and depressing movie. We stopped the movie a couple of times and had discussions. We even called my father, who knows way more about history than either of us, to ask him about what was going on in the movie (well, for additional information on what was going on in general during the war). My dad invited us over for a “dinner party date” that P and I decided he should have. We’re going to watch Schindler’s List and my parents are cooking us dinner.

We finished the movie and sat there talking for a long time. Procrastinating. We both had to take a shower, smoke and watch Tenecious D. P was still in her lifeguard suit and had a brilliant idea. She told me to put my suit on and we showered together while smoking a bowl. Completely innocent (excepting, of course, the marijuana). I have never laughed so hard in my life. I can’t even write about it without laughing. All the dumb “don’t drop the soap” jokes and God knows what else was said.

But the best part? We got some of it on video camera. Oh yeah baby.

After we got all dressed in our pjs, we put together a little skit that might turn into a longer documentary. Funny. Funny Stuff.

Eventually, we settled down and watched the movie. That just kind of blew my mind. The whole Rock Star Sperm and Kyle singing…wow. I didn’t have any idea how to react. These guys are so feckin funny.

So it was a really fun night. It was the first time I have shared a shower with someone in my quote-unquote adult life. I’m going to have to say it was memorable.

Monday, January 12, 2004

Oh yeah. Friday night I received an amusing phone call from his roommate. I love it when people drunk dial. I love drunk dialing. It should be a sport.

Good Morning Sunshine 

It was a Waste-of-Time-Weekend™; if I ever had one. I'm so incredibly sick of being propositioned for a three-way.

Friday - Shawn met me for lunch, Taco Bell baby! He also brought me a gift. A new cd.

He was waiting at my house when I was done with work. KJ showed up. We smoked outta my oney and met Grover at the movie theater. I really, really loved Big Fish. I'll say nothing about it, except if you're a crier, take tissue.

Afterwards, Shawn fell asleep. When this kid falls asleep, it's next to impossible to wake him up. I understood cause he hadn't slept in a day but I was bored. It was only 9 on a Friday night. So into my pjs I went, made a cup of tea, Breakfast Club went into the dvd player and I was set. Until the door buzzed. Lion and his Jailbait (now only 2 days until he turns 17) friend stopped by. Just to say hi and see if we wanted to go to the bar, um no. They ended up hanging out for an hour and a half and hitting on me the entire time. Then Lion stayed the night! How can I tell him to leave when the only place he has left to go is my parents'. (I'll not be so nice in the future I've decided).

Then my sister's boyfriend called and I had to run over there. Shawn still wasn't moving, so I ran his errands for him. That jerk. I went to sleep when I got home, at 1:30 in the morning.

Saturday - Shawn and Lion came running in my room at 8:00 am. What the fuck? I was wide awake then. Wake and Bake. I took a shower and we went out for breakfast. Lion's treat. He wanted us to go to Monroe with him and his jailbait friend...um no.

Shawn and I did some running around. We got kicked out of Walmart. Whoops.

Then when we got home at 1:30, we put in a movie and passed out around 2. I woke up at 5:30. Shawn moved from my bed out to the couch, but he passed out again. So I called people. I talked to Scary Mary again. That was fun, we made plans to see each other at Perkin's that night. Tyler either called me or I called him, Lion and Jailbait met him somewhere and picked him up. YAY! So Tyler got to come visit me.

They all got to my house at 10:30 at night with lots of booze. Shawn decided to wake up, I said something to him to convey that I was angry and he sulked for a bit.

I swear, I turned my back for 5 minutes and Jailbait was drunk. Seriously drunk. Calling his gilfriend and telling her that he was going to sleep with Shawn/Tyler/Lion/Me drunk. I took the phone from him and explained to the poor girl (who is only 14 and hasn't had a drink in her life) that her boyfriend was drunk and about ready to pass out. She sounded on the edge of tears when she asked me to watch out for him.

I asked Lion where they were going to go that night and he just looked at me. What? He said they had no where else to go and please Kelly? That FUCKER! I can't believe (yes I totally can) that he would do that. I had places to go, people to see and I didn't want a stupid, drunk, horny, bi-curious 16 year old at my house with someone who I don't really trust anymore. But I let them stay and left anyway. Ty, Shawn and I went to Perkins.

I saw a lot of people I knew. They knew I was in a THC induced haze and had drank a couple. People were messing with my head and it got really old. Spike was there. He promised to call still, but I dunno.

We went back to my house, nothing had burned down, but Lion did kind of make a mess. Like usual. Ugh this kid can just anger me like no one I know.

We put on the Breakfast Club (again) and everyone passed out except for me. So I woke Shawn and Tyler up and we went into my room and passed out at 5:30am.

Sunday - Wake and Bake at 10:30. I kicked Lion and Jailbait out. They wanted to hang out but I wasn't about that. Still angry about the night before I guess. I don't like being used for a place to stay and get drunk.

Tyler, Shawn and I didn't do much Sunday. I was getting really sick of Shawn, cause all he was talking about was how he wanted to have an "orgy" and how much fun it would be. Thrown into conversation every once in awhile is ok, but not shutting up about it. I'll not go into too many details, but he was more than just talking. And I was annoyed.

Finally, at five, I said we had to be going. I had to drop Tyler off and get back early so I could sleep. Shawn left and Tyler and I were on our way.

We talked a lot. I mean, it's a hour and fourty five minute drive to his house. Mostly we made plans for this weekend. He's coming up and we're going to spend the night getting fucked up somehow. I have a lot of liquor and he's going to bring some goodies. It'll be an interesting time. We've made so many plans. We're going to make Spaghetti and garlic bread, go on a scavenger hunt and record the night with my video camera. It'll be fun.

I spent a lot of the time this weekend babysitting. I don't want to have to entertain someone continuously. I don't want to have to watch people at my house to make sure they aren't fucking something up. I don't want to have to deal with people I don't want to deal with. I just want some cool people I know I can trust. I wasn't feeling that this weekend. I need to be more firm on making people leave. This has been a problem for too long. And I really need to have a chat with Lion.

In other news:

Listening to Rent is making me tear up. Still.

Friday, January 09, 2004


Until the day I die 

Last night, once again, when all I want to do is nothing...something or somethings come up. I had to take KJ over to my sister's so he could make a deal with her boyfriend. Of course he offered us smoke and how could we refuse? So when we got back to my house, Grover was putting a puzzle together and came close to ignoring us completely. After chatting with P a bit, Grover, KJ and I left for Madtown.

It was a long drive there. Grover is neurotic, I knew that already, but both KJ and I saw it a lot last night. Paranoia...and he was sober. I like Grover, just not when I'm high.

Anyway, we ate Noodles (I love Noodles) and went to Best Buy. I picked up Story of the year and Breakfast Club. I was hella excited. I almost got Season Two of Sailor Moon
, but decided that would not be a wise idea due to the fact that I'm poor (it's around $130). But the temptation was definately there. I think the next quarterly bonus we get, depending on the amount, I'm going to get either Escaflowne or Sailor Moon Season Two. Maybe Hellsing.

I know - anime - oh so interesting for those who don't watch it. But I adore it. I wish I could watch more, understand more and just "get it" in general. There is a shop in town that deals with all the RPG stuff. That scares me, but it also has a nice collection of anime. I went to school with one of the guys who owns it too (he is one of the nicest guys I know...plus he's cute, but that's another story). Maybe I'll get D to take me in there again. Seriously, it scares me.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Well... This is the first time I have ever hate my job so much I can't stand it. Pardon me if I get a little teary, but I'm so disappointed.

I purchased tickets to see Linkin Park January 30th in Madtown. Two, so I can find a friend who wants to go and they can buy the ticket from me. P said she wanted to go and we have both been really looking forward to it.

My boss came in here just a few minutes ago and pointed it out in the paper to me. When I smiled and said I was going, he said that no, I wasn't. Why? What gives him the right to tell me no? The fact that I have to be in another state that weekend because one of our stupid travel guides is going on press.

So now I have to find someone who will go to Linkin Park. with my ticket.

Sometimes I wonder 

Just what is going on? Honestly, what? What's the point of all this? I mean, why wake up tomorrow? I'm not depressed or anything, I just wonder...

Last night, I ate dinner with my parents, hung out with D and my god son, went to Madtown and spent money I didn't have (well, it was in my hand, does that count?) and smoked with the "gang". It was a busy night. Now I'm tired and a little grumpy.

But I did buy a really cute one-hitter and box, that cheers me up. It has a pretty peace sign on it. A peace sign that actually makes me think, "Hey, maybe world peace really is possible". And the oney is purple. Yay!

Tonight I'm hanging out with KJ. I haven't seen him in awhile and I miss him. Shhh, don't tell anyone. I mean, I'm sure it ok to be friends with your roommates ex, and I never had a problem with it before...but I don't want to anything that might cause issues. I don't think anything will tho.

I cannot explain how cool these people are. Seriously, I'm the most dramatic and emotionally retarded person I know I think. So although you may think I'm a regular, silly human, my friends are bomb diggity.

In other news:

Kasey mentioned staying either with my parents or myself this summer. I hope she's not being a tease.

I want Alice. But I want the new one coming out Jan 27th.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Yesterday is over 

Today I have to deal with how tomorrow might suck.

After a long, boring day at work I went home and cleaned my room. Mostly. I gave up and watched South Park after awhile.

And that my friend, is all I did last night. yay for me.

I was going to put a huge long story about this guy both me and my old best friend kind of like. . . but it doesn't matter. I'm not gonna play that game and have talked myself outta it. She can have him. Provided, of course, he wants her.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Go Justin 

Look at what he said.

Broke like a Joke 

I just overdrafted my checking account by $300. P's half of the rent, which won't get deposited until today. Fuck.

I hate money. Why can't it just go away?

Monday, January 05, 2004

Messed up 

Ummm. Somehow when I'm typing, the "happy" side of me comes out usually. I forget about how pissed off I was or it looses something in translation or I distance myself from it, I don't know. Something happens and I feel better. Let's hope that works, because things seemed really fucked up lately. And it's more than I can think about all at once.

So it was after bar time at Perkins on Friday night. I was sitting with Grover playing Speed and in walks a drunk Lion, P and some guy. They take over our table and we all play games. Lion brings up all sorts of strange topics. I stopped paying attention to him and all the sudden he says, "Oh yeah, he wants to come back to [my town] for a visit." He goes on for a bit about nothing and I ask him who he's talking about. "Vin."

(Let me stop for a moment and think and please note my stunned expression.)

Ok. What? Why? Why in the world would you bring this up? I'm not a fan of showing too much emotion in public. Especially if someone hurt me when I really shouldn't have let them. And why in front of people? I mean, I'm not hiding it, but I was trying to be discreet. So now I have to wonder and worry even about Vin. Again, when I really didn't want to in the first place.

I fucked up at work. It's kind of an important fuck up too. My boss hasn't even looked at me today. It wouldn't be so bad if I was here on Friday afternoon and could have answered their questions, but I went home because I was bored. Goody. I can't wait to hear the speeches they have prepared.

Changing subjects, I drove from my sister's house to my house yesterday, normally an hour and a half trip took three and a half hours. Mostly due to rubberneckers. I was going North/West on I90 and South/East I90 had two separate accidents. One a 15 car pileup and the other a 30 car pileup. Luckily, I got home ok and I really don't like driving in the snow alone.

Last night I was on the phone with Grover for 3 1/2 hours. Goodness knows why, but I learned a lot about him. I really love this boy...it sucks a lot that I'm not in love with him.

I don't think the "happy" typist came to visit today. Sorry.

Friday, January 02, 2004


I. am. so. tired. Oh my gosh, all I want to do is go back to sleep. Preferably in my bed, but I would totally curl up under my desk and snooze a bit if I had to.

By the way, Happy New Year. May it be wonderful.

I didn't have to work New Year's Eve day. Thank goodness, cause I went to the club on Tuesday night and danced my little booty off! I took Lion and D because I said I would. Even tho I really didn't want to at the time. Lion hit on the strangest people. Oh well, I got to see Clay and dance with him a lot. I love dancing with Clay, he's so much fun! And Aaron! I finally got his number!! Crusty Monkey came too because we convinced him to. So I got to dance with that hot boy. D wasn't feeling the dancing and wasn't feeling well. So I was going to leave early, but when I told Lion he walked away the second I was distracted. And I couldn't follow because he went to the bar. So I had to send a friend after him. Then he bought my friend a beer so that my friend would lie to me and tell me that he didn't find Lion at all. Of course my drunken friend told me this and I sent him back in there to kick Lion's ass for me, cause lying is just not cool. Finally, at the end of the night, I got him in the front. But then D and I walked out to the car and he didn't. I drove around to the front and he was wandering around.

When we got back into our town, we weren't tired yet. Off to Perkin's we went. A couple of friends were there. P's ex booty call, C-more (D's exgirlfriend, they're still sleeping together even tho C-more has a girlfriend she "loves"), the waitress that is our friend, some new guy and Spike, a guy that I see on occasion and .... well, he's cute. And he had a list of things he was looking for in a potential lady-friend. Everyone was comparing themselves, but the real competition was D and myself. I might, maybe, sorta have a little, small, not very intense crush on him. But D likes him too. And they've known each other longer...So I'm going to sit tight and see what happens.

We stayed at Perkin's until 6:45 in the morning. I went to bed and stayed in bed until P woke me up at 3 in the afternoon.

Shawn came down for New Year's Eve. We went to my sister's and smoked for a bit. Then we went to Lion's bar and drank. Then we went back to my sister's to smoke. A lot. We rang in the new year playing Twister and shooting streamer guns. Shawn and I went home at 2:30 and passed out.

Yesterday, we were going to do something. I was determined to do something. But we didn't really. We played xbox, watched the beginning to Dreamcatcher and sat around until we went over to my sister's again.

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