Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Good Jesus have I missed this here. Maybe I wouldn't be so fucked up in the head if I had been writing.

Thursday - I took a nap as soon as I got home until I woke up and went tanning. Then I hung out with my roommate. We were having a great time, she cooked me dinner and we watched Wisconsin Death Trip. But Stan came over and so I went to my room after the movie was done.

I like Stan. Really, he's a cool guy. But I didn't want him there that night. When P and I were hanging out she mentioned she missed hanging out with me, but then she has her boyfriend over anyway? Whatever.

Friday - I went to Madtown for work and hung out there most of the day. Then I met P, we went for dinner with my boss and supervisor and had a fun time. Grover met us there and off we went to play hack. Serious fun time had. We went to this 'park' down beneath a bridge that P used to live by. We used to walk down there in the dark and be really scared (cause it wasn't the safest place...) After, we went and saw Man on Fire. What a great freaking movie.

P had to go home and sleep, so Grover and I went to Per?kins. There were some cool people. MasterB and some other people I haven't mention but really need to.

Ok, there is Geoff. He runs the local card game drafts and whatnot. He's freaking hilarious, high energy and does a decent Arnold impression. Before this weekend, I didn't really talk much to him.

And then there is RedHot. She is KJ's roommate and a really cool chicka. She's mucho funno.

Anyway, they were there. So after MasterB left and stole all the energy with him, the four of us (Grover, Geoff, RedHot and myself) were trying to figure out something to do. Not much came to mind, except quarters. We figured 'what the hell, it's two in the morning what else is there to do?' and went to play quarters. Grover decided not to go (he doesn't drink).

Wow. I got drunk really fast. Did I mention that Geoff is really good at quarters? Oh yeah, he failed to mention that too. After awhile, the two of them started talking a bit about KJ. I wasn't following really well cause they discussed people and situations that I didn't know about (also I was drunk). RedHot also talked a bit about something she is going through. It was really strange, but kind of cool to talk to these people drunk...cause I don't know them, so I didn't really talk about myself much, but it's neat how new people don't know anything about you. If that makes any sense.

Ok, so it's seven in the morning, I've managed to sober up some. I don't know how the other two are doing. RedHot goes outside to smoke a cigarette. Geoff starts combing his fingers through my hair and rubbing my back some. I don't remember all that was said but it went along the lines of:

I asked him why?
He replied why what? Why am I doing this? Why are we sitting here? Why is the earth round?
I said Why anything?
He answered I don't know. Maybe it's your personality. Maybe it's the look behind your eyes. Maybe I'm drunk.

Well alright. But this is not something I can handle right now with no sleep, massive emotional stress from other things going on and still a bit buzzed. So I left.

When I got home P was getting ready for work. She had to leave so I didn't get to talk much. That's ok, I wasn't making much sense anyway. I was just so depressed.

Saturday - I slept until 3. P woke me up I think. KJ came over. We smoked. And watched Family Guy. And then we went and smoked again. Maybe not the brightest idea. We talked intensely. Serious things were said. Something major is going on with KJ and I wish I could help him, but I just don't know what's going on. All I know is he is an awesome kid and I really hope things work out.

Finally, I got all ready and we left. I needed to get out of the house in the worst way. We couldn't really decide what to do. He wanted to go to his friend's party and I wanted to go to Per?kins. (In hindsight, not the best idea). I kept getting text messages from people wanting to see me. But it kept making me feel really bad.

We smoked on the way to 'Kins (once again, not the brightest idea). We sat with MasterB, SuperStar, J, RedHot and Geoff. It was all fine and dandy until I saw E. (Remember that fucker? Well, go back a year around Valentine's Day especially if you care.) He pulled me aside. Here, let me describe this conversation to you:

E: *holding out his hand*
me: *not reaching out to take it*
E: It's a handshake, Kelly.
me: I know what it is E. *starting to shake because of the intense dislike and horribly strong bad feelings he brings up everytime I see him*
E: *long drawn out sigh* well, I understand that. I just wanted to .... blah blah blah blah...[basically he was blaming his problems on the accident and that he's going through a lot of emotional stuff because of that and he wants me to forgive him and be friends]... I just hope that you can find a place in you heart to leave open for the chance that we might have the friendship we once had.
me: I don't think I can do that.
E: [tearing up] Well, I can respect that. I guess I see you around.

I retreated back to my table and bummed a cigarette from Geoff. He noticed I was shaking but thankfully didn't make a big deal outta it. KJ asked if we could leave, but everyone we were by wanted to come up with ideas of things to do together. We ended up watching Family Guy at RedHot's and KJ's. I passed out on the couch between RedHot and Geoff.

Sunday - When I woke up, I was alone on the couch and J was on the floor. It was also 10 in the morning. I knew J would give me a ride home if I asked him, but I really didn't want to ask him. I feel bad everytime he does something for me. But I needed to be home, and KJ was talking with him roommate. I suspect it was over serious matters too.

I, myself, was thinking deeply about many things going on. I just wanted to be somewhere else.

I got home. P and Stan were showering, I didn't want to be there either, so I went to my parent's. My mom was there, she asked if I smoked cigarettes. I said no. yes. sorta, on occasion. She knew I wasn't in the greatest of moods and didn't say much (well, my mom is always talking so...nothing serious). She tried to make plans for the weekend, but I might have to be at work. Sucky. She went to to work and I read for a bit in the basement where it was dark and cold. Eventually I gave up on that, went hom and went to sleep. From 1 until 7:30. I kept trying to wake up, but I couldn't.

When I finally did get up, I just moved to the couch and watched 24 (a friend lent me the first season on dvd and it's pretty freaking cool so far). I realized after the first episode that I hadn't eaten anything since 7:00 the night before. I wasn't hungry tho. So popcorn. I couldn't eat it tho. Seriously, I felt (and feel) like crapola.

Grover called and came over. I took a shower and we went over to Tech's. He sparked one, I can't say no. We went to 'Kins. People were there, including RedHot, MasterB, Geoff and various other characters. Em and her boytoy showed up and we played hack. We went in and sat for awhile. And then Tech was all about a round two.

So Grover, Tech and myself went back to Tech's. While standing in his garage, I started to feel really bad. Like I was swaying. They didn't notice, but finally I'm like, I need to go guys. Walking out to the car, Grover asked me three times if I was ok because I couldn't walk straight. I said I was, but I was lying. I was far from ok. But I didn't want to worry him at all and felt like if I made it to the car it would be ok. It was ok for the most part. I still felt like I was going to pass out, but didn't. Grover stopped at MickyD's for me. So when I got home I ate a cheeseburger really, really slow.

Geoff sent me some text messages before I fell asleep. That was fun.

Monday - I went to Madtown for work. That was pretty cool. Geoff sent me text messages. He was having lunch with his son (the first I've heard about him) and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out that night. I told him I had to go shopping with Lion. He asked if that meant a rain check or "please don't ask me again". I told him rain check.

I went shopping with Lion and got a ton of shit. We also talked to the hottest amish guy. Jeeze, and he was so nice too! Surprise.

I tried to talk to P. But I just felt like she wasn't listening and didn't care. So I quit. I just wasn't feeling it.

I went over to Tech's. We smoked and talked and watched tv. I got to see one of the early Band of Brother's. That is such a cool show.

That's all really. I'm kind of sick of being not happy. People keep asking me if I'm ok. But I will be. I always am. Just give it time.

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