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Friday, April 02, 2004

*sigh* 

Living in the now doesn't work either. I spend too much time pretending that I'm not waiting for the phone to ring.

All last night was spent with my thoughts on my phone while pretending to not care. Of course, that didn't work too well when every time the thing rang I jumped to answer it. Even during A Walk to Remember which I was watching with my entire family.

About being with Drummer Boy...what I have got to lose? Well, I've thought about this. In fact, one of the reasons I jumped into this "relationship" is because I asked myself what it would hurt?

I could lose my trust in people. And it could hurt me.

I asked P to not have Stan over last night. I like the guy, he's cool shit. But I just wouldn't be able to sleep. Or think. Or be happy in any way, shape or form if I saw them together. Which sucks.

We talked about it last night, after I put my pothead resources to use scraping my pipe, tapping my oney box and pushing resin out the mini-pipe. The usual therapy. We were having an ok time talking about whatever. And then...

Me: I'm sorry I asked you to not have Stan over tonight.
P: Oh, it's ok. I know he's over here a lot lately.
Me: It's not that, I like him. He's a cool guy. But I couldn't handle seeing you guys together tonight.
P: Yeah...I've noticed you get ...
Me: It's not all bitterness and jealousy. Honestly, I only feel that towards you guys once in awhile. Mostly it's just regret and longing that I could have something like that. I hate it. I hate that I'm feeling like this. I hate getting sad. I don't want to be like this. I want to be able to listen to you talk about Stan or see you with Stan and not get sad. Cause I'm really happy for you. I'm just...[cue tears and mini-breakdown].

Thinking about it, relationships can totally fuck a person up. Thank you and good night.

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