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There are few things on this earth I hate more than bugs. I don’t care if it’s a butterfly, I hate crawly things that much.

Last night when I got into bed, I felt something crawl on my arm. Naturally, I made Ben turn the light on and spent 5 minutes searching my bed. Nothin. So the light is turned off and almost immediately, something bites my foot. Really freaking out now, I pull my legs up and make a noise something close to a scream. Ben turns the light on again and kills the fucker trying to run across the carpet.

I asked him what it was and he told me I didn’t want to know. Well, no I really didn’t. But I had to. As soon as he told me, I started crying. I hate bugs. With a passion. And now my place of residence was invaded, if he was right.

I cried for awhile and couldn’t lie down again. I talked to Kp and told her to step up the apartment search. I felt itchy and really wanted to shower. I made Ben shake out all the pillows and blankets before I would get into bed again, still keeping all my attention on the fact that there could be bugs anywhere and everywhere.

Kp laughed at me for crying and Ben called me paranoid. They just didn’t understand how violated I felt.

I called the home owner up this morning and he ignored me. He said he needed to see one before he could do anything about it. What am I supposed to do? Leave out little snacky-poos and see if they come for tea? Unlikely.

I can’t wait to move.

This morning at work, I was washing my hands and while wiping my hands on the towel, noticed a black thing. I jumped back and tried to tell myself it was a piece of string. But no, it was big, black fucker. The things are stalking me now.

If I could live in a plastic bubble, I just might.

*He’s been known to be wrong before when it comes to bug identification.

So something funny happened the other day. At least I find it funny. You may view it as a long story for a stupid ending. But whatever. It's kind of like a review the day kind of thing before an almost-story.

The other day, Sunday, Tech invited me to go swimming. I was all about it. It was incredibly hot and humid and with nothing better to do than clean my room...yeah.

I grabbed Kp and had her go with. Tech and I smoked before we went and had a blast swimming. We played basketball, volleyball and just floated around. Good times. I think I went swimming a couple of times last year, but definately not enough. Tech offered an open invitation to go swimming whenever, that rocks!

I need a new swimming suit.

Afterwards, Kp and I went to see Benny-boo at work. He was just leaving for a tour, so we went with him. Yes, I have a tour guide boyfriend. It was great, he's a cutie and I like looking at him.

When he was done with the tour, Kp and I went with him back to the main building thingy... far, far from our vehicle. Starving, we walked to the neared pub which happened to be a total dump. We got a basket of fries (it was that or starve to death) and sat down to watch the end of School of Rock. Good movie. When that was done, so were the fries. On the way out the door (are you ready, this is the "funny" part), we saw a flyer for a local band that was playing there. Kp pointed it out to me and all I thought was pathetic. Ya know, lame ass local cover band. And then she pointed out a specific picture and I recognized Drummer Boy. We giggled and left.

It wasn't until the last couple of boyfriends that I've really taken joy in their misfortune. I used to be one of those walk-all-over-me kind of girls who-forgives-anyone-who-asks kind of attitude.

That has changed.

So ya know, good for him if he's happy with his band that plays lame ass cover songs. I know it's his dream to "make it big" someday.

But I'm ok with it if he fails. I may even giggle.

I've never felt such a mix of vanity and self-conciouseness in my life! Even while he was taking the photos I was mildly embarassed. Now that I've seen them... I kind of feel like disappearing. Not that they're bad, some of them are super awesome. I just don't know.

But if you wanna see them and judge me (you freaking judger!), here. They're in the feed the ego section.

So the other day, pictures were taken of me.

After our softball game on Tuesday (we lost, but I got a triple), Mrm called to see if I wanted to pose. I had to run home and shower, cause I was nasty, but was totally all about it.

It was all set up in Boarder’s basement. I know it sounds skeezy, but I’ve known Boarder for over three years through work and have hung out with him a few time. And I’ve known Mrm for over a year.

It was neat. We only took about 50 pictures because of the memory card (Mrm forgot all except the smallest one). There are a couple of pictures I like and one I really like. Mostly tho, it’s me with my eyes closed or with a dumb expression on my face. Mrm kept making me laugh and then take the picture. Of course it’s super easy to make me laugh/smile when I’m trying not to.

I had fun doing it and am looking forward to doing it again. Except…Ya know how when you first try something you’re usually nervous? Well, I don’t get nervous until I have to do it again. Ohhh example time!

When Ben first taught me to drive stick - didn’t have any problems the first time, almost killed it twice the second time and couldn’t even get on the street the third time.

But we’re taking more tonight. I dunno if we’re going to be outside or inside or where or what, but I’m looking forward to it.

Yesterday, my supervisor and I were doing a mailing. She wanted to see all the labels to make sure they went to the right address. Not a difficult task in and of itself. She starts to get a headache. And oh no, it might be a migraine. And she can’t get a migraine cause she has a pedicure that night. Feeling sorry for her, I did the rest of it by myself while she rested.

This morning I realized, I had to go to my second job last night. So I did all the work for her so she could get a pedicure while I had to continue working. How fucking stupid.

Here I sit getting really bitter about it. I've never had a pedicure, couldn't afford a pedicure (time or money) and my feet are so fucked up from working all the time, I wouldn't even enjoy a pedicure (not to mention I really hate feet).

But fuck that noise.

She came in this morning and thanked me because she didn't get a headache later that night after all. I just wanted to slap her.

It is one month until my birthday. My 21st birthday. Mine all mine.

Yesterday I had my physical therapy for my ankle. And it went well. She taught me exercises, which I've already forgotten. Thankfully I have a cheat sheet.

Tonight softball. We prolly don't have enough girls. Everytime I've said that so far, we've pulled through, but tonight... doesn't look likely. And we'd prolly win this game if we had the girls who aren't going to show up. Fuckin jerks.

I'm totally digging Team Sleep. If you like music, check them out.

I’m not really the girl in the relationship. I mean, I’m the girl, but I’m not the girl.

Ben can name when we first hung out, when we first held hands, our first real date, when we first kissed and so on. I’m lucky I can remember his name.

He said I love you first and remembers that date too.

He was the one who pushed for my trust. Who saw a wall and made it his goal to knock it down. He wanted us to be more intimate. More of each other, if that makes any sense.

And I totally play the guy’s part in this. I forget anniversaries and birthdays. I didn’t show up to his family’s Christmas party. I’m insensitive to his feelings at times and expect sex whenever I want it (and pout when if I don’t get it).

But he puts up with it all. More than that, he works hard on making sure I’m happy. He compliments me daily. He takes me to chick flicks. He rubs my back if I ask him to (even if I don't ask him!). He offers to go to the store if I’m craving a food that isn’t in the house. He’s trying to teach me how to not “live by the clock” and worry so much.

I’m completely in love with him.

It hurts to say good bye every time, even if it’s just for a couple of hours. I think about him all the time, wondering what he’s doing.

Soon I’ll not have to wonder as much, because we’ve decided to move in together. And I can’t be more excited.

After working 33 hours since 5 o'clock Friday night through last night at 9, I'm tired. I didn't get enough sleep and as a result, I'm super emotional.

It's been awhile since I've felt homesick, but if I had to describe how I felt, that would be it. I miss my family. I was emailing my sister about random junk like normal when I realized it. It sucks being independant. Cause I feel like I miss out on a lot. While I'm at work, my sister (who recently moved back into my parent's again) and my dad are fishing.

I haven't been fishing all year. There has been plans, but they got cancelled because my dad had something going on. I miss it. A lot. I only got to go once last year. And not at all the year before.

I know my sister is more into it than I am, and my dad get frusterated because I hate touching the fish, but I could still just go and read. It'd be nice if they went on a day I didn't work.

I miss my mom too. She sent me an email with parental advice and concern and my heart about broke. An excerpt:

"But for something totally different. Did you see the front page of the [town] paper a couple of weeks ago after the nice young man died? I got so mad and upset. Here is a nice kid that everybody is going to miss but the acticle glossed over the point that he was driving drunk. I told [sister] and I'm telling you and [other sister] will hear this too, I don't ever want to read anything like that about any of you. I don't like it that you guys get drunk or high but I know you do. Take care of yourself and your friends. I know I am babbling but reading about that kid really got me. I love you and I know you don't generally drive drunk but your 21 birthday is coming up and well, neeed I say more about it. "

I just wanna go home.

********************

Or even better, go fishing. The plan is leave at noon, stop at home to grab shorts and I'm off. See ya.

Did I miss something?

I'm currently listening to the new System cd. Suddenly, it occured to me that the songs are really repetitive. Most of the songs on the cd just have one or two verses and a chorus that reapeats about a million times. I mean, I love the music, I like the words, but they were way super easy to memorize (not to actually sing, however).

It's making me question the previous cds. I still love them all, but wha?

Favorite lyrics off the new one right now: You and me we'll all go down in history with a sad staute of liberty and a generation that didn't agree.

I've been revisiting some old cds I used to frequent in my younger ages. Today I'm totally diggin the soundtrack to William Shakespear's Romeo & Juliet, disk 2. It's a good listen. I asked for the movie for Christmast last year, but didn't get a damn thing from my list.

Last night Ben and I went to see Lords of Dogtown. Really decent. I may have shed a tear or two, but that's only cause I'm super extra girly when it comes to crying in movies. I would have liked it more if it had been more of documentary. This morning I looked it up and turns out Stacey made one.