Friday, August 26, 2005

I've decided I need a camera. There are so many things I want pictures of, but don't have the equipment. I hate being poor.

Yesterday, my mother and I went to madison to exchange/return the ipod my parents had given me for my birthday. The fucker kept freezing up. So annoying. But apparently, it's a well known problem. So instead of giving us a new one, the Geek Squad sent it into apple to get all fixed up. Well, fine. I was thinking of returning it anyway, just so I could get a camera. How neat would that be?

However, silly people that we are waited too long. 32 days instead of the 30 they allow. Whatev.

I'm really looking forward to tonight. So many things going on! First, Kp and I are going to finish up season 3 of six feet under. Hopefully anyway. She has to go get furniture or something. She doesn't know when. If she's not home at 5 tho, I'm going to go home. Her house isn't in my town, and I know I'll be reluctant to head over to her town when I'm already home.

Second, Ben and I are going to have a pre-bar get-together at our apartment. We have a lot of alcohol. Come and drink some if you're in Wisco.

Third, well duh, we're going to the bar. Neither Ben or I work tomorrow, so we're free to get really hammered. All we have to do is find a driver... Hm. That may prove to be difficult.

Oh well. It's going to be a good weekend. Hope your's rocks too!

Friday, August 19, 2005

When I saw this, I laughed. You prolly will too. I'm so asking for it for Christmas.

When I was a kid, I wanted to commit suicide. I thought about it almost every day. But I never told anyone. I just wanted to do it and get it over with. I hated the thought of surviving and people saying "it was just for attention". Because it wasn't for attention. It was because I was truly unhappy and did not want to be around anymore.

For various reasons (but mostly because I chickened out every time and didn't want to half-ass it) I never even attempted. But there are times that I kind of wish I did. Not really go all out, but just enough to get attention so I might get help and be better adjusted today.

So is it strange that I wish I had tried to kill myself? Maybe. It's just that now, I feel I can't really ask for help because no one will take me seriously. I don't even take me seriously. What's the difference between moody and depressed? How often does it have to occur to become a problem? Am I really depressed, or just being dramatic? Everytime I'm depressed, I write. And a week or so later, when I go back and read what I've written, I feel really stupid. I want to shake myself for wasting my time on being moody about nothing.

Of course it felt major at the time. Everything feels major at the time. And then little things that don't really matter, but are now so important, pile up and I collapse. Instead of focusing on the problems, I focus on myself. And how I'm a complete failure.

Excerpt: "Will I be nothing in life? A body that was created and destroyed like so many others... I feel like I'm nowhere... What did I leave behind? Always in a rush to grow up. Is this really what I want?... I feel the urge to become an alcoholic."

Doesn't that just seem so freaking cliche? I hate the thought.

I just don't know. I never want to talk about things while I'm upset cause I feel like I break apart. Ben is getting better at handling me when I'm having a moment, which kind of scares me.
The whole thing kind of scares me.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Lately, I’ve been feeling really friendless. I mean, I really need to talk to someone. And while my sister and I have become a little closer recently (both of them, actually) I would really like someone who isn’t bound by blood around.

It’s what I thought would happen. I moved out of the same town as most of my friends, and haven’t heard much from them since. You wouldn’t think 18 miles would make such a difference.

I’m mostly upset about Kp. We’ve talkea couple of times, but mostly it’s been just to figure out what was stuck in the landlord’s ureatha. She came over twice to watch 6 feet. But I’ve lived there for a month. And that’s all that we’ve seen each other. I guess on Sunday we were supposed to hang out and do free thing together at local places… but I don’t remember talking about it since I moved out. I have a bad memory. For as much as she was on the phone when we lived together, she hasn’t called me a whole lot. Then or now. So I’m not really sure what’s going on there. And it makes me really sad. I left a voice mail on her phone the other day and I sent her a text message earlier today, but haven’t heard anything.

Grover is a friend no matter what. I totally adore the kid and really appreciate his company. It’s strange that he has a job now. I feel a little more timid about calling because I don’t want to disturb him during work. Even tho his phone is most likely turned off or silent… still. He hasn’t yet been to the apartment, but because he thinks Ben doesn’t like him and Ben thinks Grover doesn’t like him, I’m not too surprised.

I’ve been trying to make friends in the town I live in now, but just feel completely ridiculous. I already know some people there, but to go from a person you say “hi” to when you see them, to bosom buddies? I hate trying to make friends.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Yesterday was somuchfun!

WJJO had their Band Camp on Willow Island. Good fun times had by most. Koko, Grover and I attended together and arrived a little later than planned. We got turned around while trying to get to a truck stop, so...yeah. Oh well, coffee!

When we finally did get there, Ra was already on stage and rockin. The lead singer has impressive control over his voice. There are some very egyption-y sounding songs. With a name like Ra? Go figure. I actually knew one of their songs, so yay.

During the song break, Grover and I headed to the front, as much to get in the shade as to get up close and personal with the bands.

Taproot came up next. I loved the guitar player. All the other band members were in black and angstful, but he was wearing a white collar shirt with a blue tie and a red sweatshirt over it. Dunno why cause it was really warm out yesterday, but it looked cool. Plus he came out waving and all cuteness. I just wanted to snuggle with him. Their show... not so much. I'm not a fan of their style of music: Fast verses that you can't understand, slow chorus that you can't understand. But they played some of their new stuff of their cd coming up and that sounded pretty decent indeed.

Up next? Only the best show at the freaking concert this year. DOPE! They rocked it. They were Grover's only reason for attending and I knew I liked them. But I just didn't realize all the songs they had. It was so so so so great. They played all the bestest songs (or at least that's what I gathered from Grover) but not too much off their new cd which was recently released. I don't care, I just dug it.

After Dope, Grover and I were beat. JCSuperstar and friend came over and took our spots while we went out to grab some water. But they ran out. They. Ran. Out. Of. Water. It was only 4:30 or something (time was fuzzy). So mountain dew it was. I was so hopped up on caffine yesterday. Caffine and sugar. It was awesome.

We though Chevelle was up next, but nope. It was Non-Point. So I dragged Grover back in there. We were in a really cool spot. People were rockin out, but we weren't too close to a cyclone. I was throughly enjoying myself. Until I got kicked in the face. Grover says I looked at him, grabbed his hand and booked it out of the stage area. It hurt. He got my eyebrow (literally 2 centimeters from my eyebrow ring!), cheekbone AND my nose. How uncool? So I'm sporting a black eye today. We were going to find a medic tent, but didn't. So I just went back in while Grover stayed out for autographs. I enjoyed the rest of Non-Point's show alone. Way fun.

When people started clearing out, there I see JCSuperstar and friend up on the rail. So I joined them. It was a good time. I was talking to these guys next to us and them. Everyone was friendly and it was nice. But they didn't rock out. And that sucks. See I like to dance. I like to shove (not too much, then that just sucks). I like to jump up and down. They liked to nod their heads.

So durring Chevelle, I was alone rocking out. And I didn't care. This girl eventually came by me and was moving around too so that was ok. But I didn't really enjoy their show. The lead almost got hit by a bottle or something, so he told everyone to stop and yelled at the crowd. It wouldn't have bothered me if he left it at "throw something at me again and we're walking off". But then he went on with "You don't understand how hard this is, why don't you come up here and try it." It annoyed me. And then their show kind of sucked. So whatever.

When they were gone, JCSuperstar lit up. I was already overheating, dying of thrist and had to pee wicked bad. Didn't stop me. Those fucking dudes doing the security sucked. They paid all their attention to the under 21 side of the show. So lame. Cause I was dying of thirst, like I said, and they were giving all their water to the other side of the show. Super lame.

I didn't know if I was going to make it through the stage break, let alone Sevendust. It was ify. My goal was to make it through at least one song. And I did! It was one of the singles, so I knew it too. YAY! I had the guys I was talking to lift me on the railing and then the security guard dude finally paid attention and helped me out. They sucked.

While walking out, I walked right in front of the speakers. Stupid. It hurt. It hurt all night. So completely dazed, I went and got some water. Called Grover and found out he was kicking hack not too far away. Had someone hold my water and went to the nastiest most disgusting porta-potty I had ever been to. Never again.

Then I hacked. Or kind of hacked. I was still dancing and whatever. It was decent. Some guys there had some cool tricks. We stayed until we knew there wasn't going to be any fireworks. Of course that's when the show was finished, so we got stuck in traffic. It was still faster moving than country thunder.

It was an awesome time. I'm sorry if you missed it.

Friday, August 12, 2005

So my previous landlord called this morning. He just doesn't understand why, and he doesn't know if it was Kp or what, but who crawled through a window the other night. And why? Because none of your stuff is in there? And who is unlocking the doors at night after he and his wife lock them when finished painted. He just doesn't get what's going on and please call him.

FUCK HIM! As to my memory, we gave him our keys. And the windows??? He has a great point...none of our stuff is in there. So leave us the fuck alone. Stop bothering me while I'm at work. Stop leaving messages that imply how much you are going to screw us over when it comes to the security deposit. Just stop calling me and send me the fucking check, you lying pig.

There are few people I can't find a redeeming quality in. Congrat Phil, you fuck head, you totally just qualified for that list.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

If I ever get married, I'm going to cry through the whole thing. I know this and there is no way around it.

Last night I had a dinner with some coworkers. Because they were late coming back from golfing, I had a long island while waiting. Of course I hadn't yet eaten, because I was waiting for them.

The power went out in all of the restaurant except the bar. Which was actually pretty cool, cause everyone was sitting in a big circle around it.

I was a little tipsy when I had to head home. Thankfully I had an escort. Ben came by and took me home. On the way, he pulled over at the place where he first said he loved me and I said I loved him. He put Something Corporate on the radio and told me the last year and last month have been the best time in his life. We danced and made out a bit (ah, memories)...

Then he hit me up for money. Just kidding.

And if I cried because of that (and I did), I'm surely going to cry when I'm married.


The power went out in half of our apartment. Of course it was the half with the air conditioner. We ended up sleeping in the living room while listening through open windows to the electric company fix the problem. A very, very loud bang woke us up once. And diesel trucks woke me up a couple of times. I love them for coming to fix it in the middle of the night, but around 2 in the morning, I treasure sleep more than power.

It still wasn't fixed by the time I woke up so it was a shower in candle light this morning (the hot water heater was on the other side of the apartment). As I walked out the door, the power came on.

So what's up with the power going out?

Monday, August 08, 2005

Ugh. I really dislike my "ex-landlord" (as he describes himself...it's not like we had a relationship buddy).

So my previous landlord is a total asswipe. He acts like the evil landlord straight out of a book, making demands that are unreasonable and never discussed before and threatening us with holding the security deposit. Suddenly we're responsible for shampooing the entire apartment. What? When we moved in, the carpets were covered with bugs. But apparently he made it perfectly clear that we had to do that. And now the keys we returned to him are not the keys he gave to us at the beginning of the year. There should be a key for the deadbolt and we didn't give him one. Um, yeah... cause you didn't give us one? Logically, we're not going to produce one out of thin air. Oh wait, the newest thing missing are the closet doors on a room we barely went into!

What a piece of shit.


We almost won our softball game last week. It was so freaking close. Well, by the end of it, it wasn't. They chose to walk in their runs to win the game. Really lame.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

i was thinkin... and it's kind of strange. how some people feel guilty even when they were the victim. and how some people claim to the be victim to escape blame. that's not quite how i was thinkin it...but all i have is a visual of people pointing fingers.

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