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Friday, August 19, 2005

When I was a kid, I wanted to commit suicide. I thought about it almost every day. But I never told anyone. I just wanted to do it and get it over with. I hated the thought of surviving and people saying "it was just for attention". Because it wasn't for attention. It was because I was truly unhappy and did not want to be around anymore.

For various reasons (but mostly because I chickened out every time and didn't want to half-ass it) I never even attempted. But there are times that I kind of wish I did. Not really go all out, but just enough to get attention so I might get help and be better adjusted today.

So is it strange that I wish I had tried to kill myself? Maybe. It's just that now, I feel I can't really ask for help because no one will take me seriously. I don't even take me seriously. What's the difference between moody and depressed? How often does it have to occur to become a problem? Am I really depressed, or just being dramatic? Everytime I'm depressed, I write. And a week or so later, when I go back and read what I've written, I feel really stupid. I want to shake myself for wasting my time on being moody about nothing.

Of course it felt major at the time. Everything feels major at the time. And then little things that don't really matter, but are now so important, pile up and I collapse. Instead of focusing on the problems, I focus on myself. And how I'm a complete failure.

Excerpt: "Will I be nothing in life? A body that was created and destroyed like so many others... I feel like I'm nowhere... What did I leave behind? Always in a rush to grow up. Is this really what I want?... I feel the urge to become an alcoholic."

Doesn't that just seem so freaking cliche? I hate the thought.

I just don't know. I never want to talk about things while I'm upset cause I feel like I break apart. Ben is getting better at handling me when I'm having a moment, which kind of scares me.
The whole thing kind of scares me.

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