Thursday, September 26, 2002
So very very very very bored. Can't even put in words. I did my work. I did extra work. I've checked my email and read all the news and I just want to sleep. P just came into have a quick meeting with co-worker. She stopped into my office and we chatted for a few mins. Only it was a quiet discussion on what was going to happen tonight. Not like either of us has any clue now. The plan was to go over to M and J's and watch Moulin Rouge and maybe Newsies. I dunno if either of the guys remembered that was supposed to happen, but we did. And we're planning on going over there whether they like it or not. Afterwards, we have to go to Kitchen cause she has to meet KJ. How cute. I don't even know if J is going to be home tonight. I hope so.
Seriously, I hate sappy people. And I don't know. I've always hated expressing my feelings so obviously. I've never been able to put the first move on...never been able to put the second move on...barely able to do the third. I just don't like people knowing how much I care for them. Cause if they know they might be all freaked out about it and hurt me.
Which is what I do. Not intentionally, but I'm afraid of people loving me. J actually has already said the three little words over the phone and I didn't know what to do. I care for him a great deal, but love? I don't know if I can love. And I know how melodramatic that sounds and I would like to kick myself in the head but... I dunno. I can't understand why someone would love me, honestly love me. If I was a guy, I wouldn't date me.
Oh well, on to happier things. What's happier than that? Oh, about anything. Love is very depressing if you think about it.
So...so...yeah...ummm. It's 4:20. You know what that means. Yeah, I'm still at work. Just a quick 40 mins and I'm outta here. Going home! Sleep...for 20 mins or so. If that. It depends on if people start calling me. Damn people.
Do you know how long it has been since I've just had a day and did nothing? I don't know either. Months tho. I miss it. I remember just lounging on the couch or in bed, reading, watching tv, listening to music, eating lucky charms (the best food in the world), and just chillin out. Just a day where I can sit, wrapped up in a blanket and not have to worry about looking good or keeping up the chatter. A nice day off.
I haven't hung out with my parents in a long time either. I miss them. I see them, and mornings with my dad are the same. But we haven't done anything together in awhile. And even if we did, since all of us girls are grown or almost there, my parents have started enjoying each others company more I think. Where we could all go out and unintentionally exclude me when they are having a conversation. I'm happy they're happy but... I miss them :( And it won't be just them, I may want to go out with them, but my schedual is so full that I would be missing something to be with them and I would be thinkin about that and not enjoying myself.
*sigh*
I tried to be happy, but then it just got depressing again. Screw it. I'll just sit and look at my candle and wish.
Seriously, I hate sappy people. And I don't know. I've always hated expressing my feelings so obviously. I've never been able to put the first move on...never been able to put the second move on...barely able to do the third. I just don't like people knowing how much I care for them. Cause if they know they might be all freaked out about it and hurt me.
Which is what I do. Not intentionally, but I'm afraid of people loving me. J actually has already said the three little words over the phone and I didn't know what to do. I care for him a great deal, but love? I don't know if I can love. And I know how melodramatic that sounds and I would like to kick myself in the head but... I dunno. I can't understand why someone would love me, honestly love me. If I was a guy, I wouldn't date me.
Oh well, on to happier things. What's happier than that? Oh, about anything. Love is very depressing if you think about it.
So...so...yeah...ummm. It's 4:20. You know what that means. Yeah, I'm still at work. Just a quick 40 mins and I'm outta here. Going home! Sleep...for 20 mins or so. If that. It depends on if people start calling me. Damn people.
Do you know how long it has been since I've just had a day and did nothing? I don't know either. Months tho. I miss it. I remember just lounging on the couch or in bed, reading, watching tv, listening to music, eating lucky charms (the best food in the world), and just chillin out. Just a day where I can sit, wrapped up in a blanket and not have to worry about looking good or keeping up the chatter. A nice day off.
I haven't hung out with my parents in a long time either. I miss them. I see them, and mornings with my dad are the same. But we haven't done anything together in awhile. And even if we did, since all of us girls are grown or almost there, my parents have started enjoying each others company more I think. Where we could all go out and unintentionally exclude me when they are having a conversation. I'm happy they're happy but... I miss them :( And it won't be just them, I may want to go out with them, but my schedual is so full that I would be missing something to be with them and I would be thinkin about that and not enjoying myself.
*sigh*
I tried to be happy, but then it just got depressing again. Screw it. I'll just sit and look at my candle and wish.
